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Karin Mitchell's books on Goodreads
Between Families Between Families
reviews: 5
ratings: 8 (avg rating 4.75)

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Annual Kwanza Day Celebration Letter

I think as far as Christmas traditions go, the most worthless and annoying is Christmas cards. There are many reasons for this.

1. Sending cards in the midst of the holidays, which is an already busy, over-stressed bullshit time of year, is an organizational, planning nightmare. The picture, the letter writing, the addressing, stamping, trip to post office... blech.

2. The pissing contest nature of such letters. "After a rigorous selection process Stan is now the head of brain surgery at the hospital. Our daughter, Seraph enrolled at Harvard this fall, you pesky worker-bees and now you have to read about it. Ha! In ya face!" If you write a braggart letter like this, just so you know, your readers want to ass fuck you with a thorny splinter.

3. Multicultural and other considerations. "I need to send a letter to Aunt Jude, but didn't her last letter say her husband died? Ok, so need to remember to take him off the list. Wait, or was that her father that died. I don't want to leave the husband's name off if he's still alive but, but... Oh and Mira got offended last year because she's a Judist Priest Johova and doesn't want to receive love any time of the year, well at least not outwardly so I have to send a 'thinking of you' card." No one can keep up.

In honor of these reasons, I propose a solution. We cooperatively write a Holiday Letter. I'll start it and ask for feed back add ins etc. I will post the final copy on the blog.

The Faux Family:
An Annual Kwanza Day Celebration Letter

Dear Friends and Foes,

So its that time of year again and we thought for the first time this year, we'd send an update letter.

Harry is doing well now that he's out of the institution. He's reintegrating into society pretty nicely. He refuses to wear his underwear, UNDER his clothes but has stopped spraying bug spray by the cologne counters in department stores to "keep the fairies away." We're working on getting him a job folding towels for a local cleaner.

Our oldest daughter Sarah is 17 now. We finally got her on birth control after the Emo Pregnancy Scare of 2008. We told her the piercings would have to come out if she was to give birth so she agreed to the pill.

My debt continues to spiral out of control. After my failed business attempts of...

... TO BE CONTINUED...

So please, post ideas or email them to me at swedishskier@gmail.com

3 comments:

Kelly said...

Yeah, I know what ya mean about xmas cards and those phoney baloney "we're doing better than you" xmas letters. It's all a bunch of shit and waste of money. We stopped sending cards last year. Now we just email people a short greeting and leave it at that. If they don't like it, well...Tis the Season to Go Fuck Yo-Self. And go bah humbugger the neighbor's dog. Or something.

Majase Cyc said...

LOL! Funny as hell. This is an awesome idea, so here's my money-shot at a piece of it:

*My debt continues to spiral out of control. After my failed business attempts of...*

...collecting pubic hairs from winos, other measures have to be taken. Now granted, the market for these critter-infested items may be slim at the moment.

But with the economy going down faster than Courtney Love on Ecstasy and Spanish Fly at a rap concert, we predicted such treasure troves of smelly curly Q's to sell like ape shit on eBay. Everybody likes something different that their neighbor doesn't have yet, Right? Wrong.

OK, so we miscalculated that fad. But, no worries! Sarah has just informed us the Pimp & Ho parties regularly thrown at our house when we're out of town brings in easy money. Not to mention more drugs left laying around than you can shake a dead beaver at.

Thus are new business venture: selling drugs (mixed with all the unsold wino pubes) to the local politicians that hang out in the bathrooms of the neighborhood Park. Once that's in place we'll...

Kelly said...

I'm there, dude.