“Only 1/5 of what comes out of her twat is retarded.”
"THAT is not goddess nectar - that is PEE PEE"
"I love that you used the word Fiduciary."
"We're not going to use that word in this organization though right."
"We could have an accountant and call the person the fidouchebag."
"Actually, her mom’s in the hospital, and I just suck at getting children ready rapidly. In fact, I can nearly guarantee we’ll be late tomorrow. Perhaps you should be proactive and fill out the top part of tomorrow’s tardy slip for us."
"There is absolutely no middle ground in this state. You are either a rapture awaiting promise keeper or you drive a car that runs on gorp."
"Each month I somehow magically forget about PMS, that is until I find myself in a clown suit holding a machine gun in search of the town water tower."
"Do you mind if I show my slug mating video while we wait?"
"I'm not sour. I'm an edgy version of pleasant."
"Well, my relationship is kind of like cigarettes for you. It's not so good for you but you kind of need something to put in your mouth."
"Its like taking a shit Popsicle and covering it chocolate and saying its good."
Matt "What does a doggie say?"
Matt "What does a lion say?"
Matt "What does a gramma say?"
Matt "What does a Buddhist say?"
Matt "What does a zombie say?"
"Stuntcock is balls deep in your earhole"
"When god was handing out butts, I stood in line twice!"
"Due to my own rules, my date must contain honky tonk and/or badonka donk."
"Fuck you! I don't mean you, I mean...
oh no, I fuck the same you that you're referring to."
"Excuse me, do you have time to help save the environment?"
"I'm sorry, I already saved the children this morning and then told the Democratic Party to go fuck themselves three blocks ago, so no, I don't have time to save the environment today. Maybe tomorrow, hippie."
"What are 'feces'?"
"I’ve got a Johnny Cash song stuck in my head"
"Could be worse"
"Yeah, it could be stuck in my butt."
(doubled over laughing) "The first thing that popped in my head is, ‘and it burns burns burns… the ring of fire’"
“Never play gay chicken with a guy whose dad is gay.”
"Haikus can be fun,
but sometimes they don't make sense.
"Let's see how long before 50 cent uses a word with more than two syllables. Oh and Escalade and motherfucker don't count. Proper nouns if you will."
AND My Favorite Friday Quote of 2008
(from none other than my mama)
"And the dogs? How much do you feed them?""One pussy scoop."