This was too long to be a status update or a tweet so I had to make it a blog post
So, Rob's holding the dog's head in his hands and calling him names like "Retardopolis" and "Captain Nutsack" which is mean cuz he just got neutered. In my best imitation ChompSki voice I say "Rob, you're my world."
"Oh my god, I don't want to be anybody's world." "Not even mine?" I ask in a sickeningly sweet voice, batting my lashes.
He rolls his eyes and gets comfy and lays his head on my lap.
I, of course, am not done with this so I start singing the theme from The Little Mermaid in my best retardopolis voice.
Whisper "Wish I could be..." I stand and open my arms wide "PART OF THAT WORLD!!!!"
Rob shakes his head, gets up, and starts making breakfast. I follow him because I'm a pest like that, and see that he put oil in the pan with the sausage. Puzzled, I say, "Um you don't need oil. Sausage makes its own oil."
"Youmake your own oil."
Which sends me into giggles and all I can think is "LUBE!" So then I started saying it over and over and laughing hysterically. I can tell by everything about him that he finds this word gross. Cuz the word "LUBE" is gross. Don't worry, it doesn't stop me.
So then a few minutes later we're eating said sausage and sure enough its made its own oil ALL over his lips. I hold back my laugh but its silently creeping out in the form of my shoulders shaking and air escaping and I'm gesturing at him to wipe his lips.
"What?" He asks, coily, knowing I might lose my shit any minute.
Finally I loose it and practically pee myself pointing and saying, "Lube! Lube!!! ahahahaha LUBE! Lube. Lubelubelube lube! LUBE!!! I Llllube you, honey! YOU'RE MY WORLD!!!"
I am afraid of changing lightbulbs. I HATE feet. I hate condiments. Vinegar is disgusting. I check behind the shower curtain of people's houses because I'm the kind of person who would hide there to scare someone. When I was six I went to school with my coat and no shirt on. When I was 10 I didn't brush my hair for 4 months. My favorite errand is going to the library. I will pull things out of the trash to recycle them. I hate country music and jam bands. I have great aim when throwing things even though I can't play an upperbody sport to save my life. I like dark art. I trust scary looking people almost immediately.