Wrap your head with this material...

A woman came in to her child's school complaining that all the teachers were pronouncing her child's name wrong. The teachers and the principal passed the written name between them "Le-A." Each professional hunched over the name and attempted a pronunciation for the very large, frustrated mother. Exasperated, she yelled "THE DASH AIN'T SILENT! ITS LA DASH UH!" Making her this week's Wednesday's Weirdo: Le-A's Mama

I think the phrase "We're pregnant" is among the most ridiculous and irritating phrases. WE aren't anything. The man does not have to abstain from drinking, does not have to sleep 90 hours a week, does not purchase all new clothes that resemble tents, does not put cocoa butter anywhere on his body, nor does he GIVE BIRTH! Its simple grammar: I swim. He swims. We swim. I ski. He skis. We ski. I'm pregnant. He is pregnant. We're pregnant. Annoying. Yuppies. Yipeee! Wait a second... He cannot be pregnant. Therefore, WE cannot be pregnant. I am pregnant. I have the gas, the swelling breasts, the weight gain, the sleepiness, the expanding uterus and the impending birth. "We're pregnant" is some caring and sharing, touchy feelie bullshit. Its akin to "we're in a bad mood today aren't we?" Well fuck you, yes I am.

Rob and I went to dinner last night to celebrate my being a baby house (that's what he now calls me.) On the way home we were talking and realized that its been more than a year since my last seizure. This is the longest I've ever gone. When I was first diagnosed the doctors said that if I made it a year, they would talk about taking me off medications and that I might no longer have seizures since the type of epilepsy iss one where I am supposed to grow out of it. My fingers are crossed.

A number of months ago, I bought a frozen apple pie for Rob. I don't bake, I don't like hot fruit, but I love my husband. And he loves pie. So I bought a simple toss in the oven Sara Lee pie for him. One evening I come into the kitchen and notice has started baking it. I turn the light on and peek when I realize that he has taken the pie OUT of the tin to bake it! "Rob! You're not supposed to take it out of the tin to bake it!" "Huh?" "Why would you take it OUT of the tin to bake? You've MADE a pie before from scratch!" *shrugs* He is completely NOT embarrassed and utterly self-assured that his pie will turn out beautifully. I'm now laughing hysterically as he tries to put the partially baked pie BACK into the tin to finish baking. "Shut up. It'll work." He tells me as he finesses is back into the tin and shuts the oven door. It totally reminds me of that wives tale about the newly wed woman who literally greas

Teacher- "Today we're learning about the midwest. Anna is from Iiiiooowwaaa." Students- "oooh, iowa!" "Chubby Hubbies" "Yeah, its Ben and Jerry, not Gwen and Jerry!" "The vagina is not the most nutritious part of the pig" In Self-Defense class taught by police sergeants "Its a good idea to use distraction techniques against attackers." "You mean literally like yell "OH SHIT, A BEAR"?" "Yeah that'd work. Or "Look, POLICE!"" "I'd run if there was a bear." (under breath) "I'd run if there were police." "Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall." "I'm tempted to spend my last afternoon at work making a bullet-proof vest out of paperclips but they'd probably call that "stealing"."

Not sure why but I have this paranoia that we'll have twins. Last night I dreamed that we had a boy and a girl. I was teaching both kids to ski when the boy started whining, "But mo-om, I don't want to ski. Sports are for gi-rls." He whined. "I wanna play music like dad." It could happen too.

So yeah, we're expecting a Silly Skier Squirt in December. So far there isn't much to report. Honestly pregnancy feels kinda like you have to poop. Also, I hear this means I get to begin referring to my vagina as "The Jaws of Life." Hehe. More to come.