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With apple! Checkout Engrish.com Funny shit

When I saw this ad, I thought, "Is that a boy with hips or a girl with an unfortunate facial structure?" My brain grabbed onto this awefully unimportant bit of visual info and would not let go. Is it a boy or a girl? Turns out, this picture was an ad selling those shorts. I know I'm no fashion guru, but how does one sell those shorts? Is it by getting taking a picture of the most androgynous person ever wearing them? Apparently so. The better question might be Why would one sell those shorts? If they get sold, some poor fucktard wanders the world wearing them. Apparently androgyny sells really ugly shit.

I saw this on someone else's blog and just had to check. I pretty well assumed I'd score late elementary school but... Tada! TV Reviews Who knew someone who likes dick and fart jokes so much could write like college peoples?

"I’d rather shit in a bowl, sprinkle a bit of sugar on it, pour milk over it, and eat it.” "We've bonded over composting." "Oh my god. My butt's so cold it feels like I have to poop." "Pinko commie redneck leechbutt twatwaffle! I almost peed." "My corn's growing nicely, well actually not fast enough. The other day I had to pee really bad..." A scientist on her field work. " Your see-through underwear is all impressive but mine's trash. You had to buy your see-through underwear. I earned mine." "I surreptitiously studied these invalids, their twisted hands, their closed faces, these parcels of life hunched in upon themselves. One of them caught my eye, and I ventured a smile. He responded by sticking out his tongue." "No one's really all that jolly at your happy hour."

Women are born again and again and again inoneanother anotheranotheranotherme the whore and the bore just the same and which ovary digs the graves while the other holds a sheet up hundreds of ripened eggs holding up the gravity of a laden pelvis singing "push"

Why are small towns afraid of terrorists that have never heard of them? Why are authors all suddenly writing without punctuationitsannoyinglikenotusingspacing Why don't professors prepare for their classes instead of relying on the shitty powerpoint slides provided by the publishers! And why can't I have a goddamned electric car!

"besides, we need to celebrate. 'David' is a Girl Scout and I can think of nothing more fitting." Employee about their jerkboss's last day "Religious views: at a fork in the road, I go left..." "Do you mind if I show my slug mating video while we wait?" "Mom, why are the bears in armor fighting?" " I don't know why, but that's not very nice. Jews don't do this, we solve our problems by talking." Brunette (looking at her crotch) : Helllllllooooooo!? Blonde : Are you talking to your vagina? Brunette : No, my chlamydia. Blonde : I think you're talking to your vagina. "And the dogs? How much do you feed them?" "One pussy scoop."

So Rob and I went for beers with a few of his coworkers the other day. One of the women I'd heard a lot about but had never met. She's an immigrant who's been in the community for like 10 years (ages in our super transient population.) She's probably the single most widely respected person working for their organization. Anyway, two funny things happened. The first was that (as I'm ever so good at doing) I stuck my foot in my mouth. Good thing I have small feet. She was telling a story about interviewing someone and how she couldn't understand anything the woman was saying. She then mentioned, "you know, she hasn't been in the country for very long, and her English is really hard to understand." "Why didn't you just do the interview in Spanish?" I dumbly asked. "Because she was Russian." "Ooooh." I said as everyone laughed at me. "Yeah its ok, racist." She teased as I laughed at myself. So a litt...

I'll preface this by saying I LOVE people watching. We were at the airport in Denver and I saw this woman probably in her forties, wearing a semi trampy playboy bunny sweat suit. I tend to think no truly self-respecting woman wears that fucking bunny, but hey. Then she turned, and I saw the biggest "I'm a HO!!" stamp ever. The pants had "juicy" across the butt. You know you're a ho when... I think it would be funny to make pants that had "scratch n sniff" on the butt and a rose. He he. So the male equivalent? Tattoos. Men get the stomach arc tattoo and inevitably what they get imprinted in themselves is aweful. I love tattoos, but god think em through. I saw a guy at the pool with 314 across his. Gooooooooo area code! The worst thought about that is, that guy probably never leaves his area code. I'd like to encourage my computer nerd friends to get http:// stomach arc tattoos... any takers? I didn't think so. The worst stomac...

Friday, July 4th we flew to St. Louis. Our plane began its descent about 9:15, just after sundown, when everyone set off their fireworks. We saw pockets of fireworks all over the city. They poofed apart in little confetti bursts for forty minutes before we landed. No crowds, no traffic, just quiet firework bellies and a smooth, smooth landing. Wonderful.

I never knew that Jesus was a spy until I saw this. I wonder if Jesus got any ninja training?

With prices as cheap as they are here in the Lou, and all the beautiful scenery, its a little curious there aren't more hippies. I finally figured out why not. Its because its FUCKING HOT! I went running in Forest Park yesterday and was drenched. I mean slick arms and legs asweatyness. Then we went to the City Museum for the afternoon and I sweat my clothes all up again. And the thing is, there's nobody doesn't want a shower in conditions like that. That and rednecks might use them for target practice.

"The key to having good balance is believing you had good balance. Ok, I just made that up. But if Kungfu Panda can do it..." -yoga instructor "I'm morman." "No way! Utah's my favorite place to have sex!" "Do you know what biased means?" "It means you like both boys and girls." Teacher "The vagina has many purposes" Male student "Amen to that!" "Menarche sounds badass, like a medieval knight or something." "Its sounds like some ceremony for royalty." "I think you sat there and wore a green shirt on purpose. You're like one of those bitches from The Hills who just know the paparazzi are watching." "All $400 does is remind you of how fucked you are. You'd be better off if your congressman just came and pissed on your foot." "I love making my adolescent males cry." -a therapist "That'd piss me off. I'd shit a kitten."

A group of friends who were really into road biking road their bikes from Breckenridge 9.5 miles to Frisco then another 7 to Copper Mountain. It was one of the guy's birthdays so they hung out at Copper and drank some beers, then some more beers, and.. you see where this is going. The only problem was that the Summit Stage (our free bus) doesn't take people with their bikes at night; the bike rack interferes with their visibility. So the guys decided to ride their bikes home. So on their merry ride home, (did I mention all 16.5 miles is down hill,) they rushed against the wind in the dark. The front runner, stretched ahead pedalling when WHAM!! He was knocked out. When he came to moments later, he stared at none other than, get this: a bear. The bear was not alarmed, merely annoyed and he dundered off into the woods before any of the drunken slackers arrived to witness him. The guy's friends, of course, did not believe he'd hit a bear. They just figured he was...

OneNewsNow.com, a biased news site funded by the AFA, or American Family Association, a far right-wing (and James Dobson-friendly) organization whose own web site decries the "homosexual agenda." As some discovered over the weekend and this morning, the OneNewsNow.com site has a filter set up on its news results that automatically changes the word "gay" to "homosexual." I think it's an odd substitution, but I'm sure they've done some kind of research that shows that "gay" has a more positive connotation than the more literal "homosexual." How did this attempt at framing backfire on OneNewsNow.com and the AFA? The answer comes from track-and-field. From the Boston Globe : When Tyson Gay crossed the finish line in the men's 100 meters yesterday, the crowd at Hayward Field gasped. The clock displayed 9.68 seconds. Everyone at the US Olympic track and field trials knew what that meant. Gay ran the fastest 100 ever ...

"Oh yeah. I've heard about you. You sweat all over the place at night." "Yeah, I sweat the bed." "You're sour." " You're sour." "I'm not sour. I'm an edgy version of pleasant." "I never knew how stinky labor was until I was holding a leg peering down, it's an overwhelming smell of menses." Student "If you swam in lake Dillon when you came out your testicles would be this big and inside you." Professor "Great. We're talking about my testicles in class." " So, how is your relationship?" " Well, my relationship is kind of like cigarettes for you. It's not so good for you but you kind of need something to put in your mouth." "First he will call, because that mean he is ready to show up, so if you need him at that moment he is going to your address, or the address you said if not, he is going to show up at the time you want" "Ok" "S...

There are so many annoying pet names, Sugar lump, snugglepuss, snaggly poo, and oh yes, the old “my little cumquat.” Have you ever had a cumquat? If not, try one and rethink that ole nickname. Cumquats are like the quickest burst of flavor, its so intense its like an activity of sourness in your mouth. The only thing better than trying these crazy fuckin things is watching someone else try one. Bring on the sour faces! The sensation is addictive, especially if you like sour things like sour patch kids, sour skittles. They’ve got nothing on cumquats with their punch packing insides and the sweet peel. When you eat a cumquat you anticipate the tartness like a jack in the box about to burst. The tension is building building and then wham! Scares the fuck outa you. What a fuckin sadistic toy that is. It goes, “I’m scared, I’m scared, but the pleasant song, I must hear the end of pop goes the weasel but oh shit its going to pop out eeek, I can feel the tension in the...

Everytime I see a guy with a beard like this Or really most any bushy beard, I picture kittens hanging from it. It makes me giggle. If I knew photoshop, I'd put kittens in every beard.

So yesterday I felt like those little seeds on dandilions had attached themselves and were scraping their initials in red lines along the insides of my eyeballs. Thus, I did not want to wear contacts to soccer. So I wore my glasses and discovered, the hard way, why it is people don't wear glasses to play soccer. Within about 30 seconds I took a ball to the face and my glasses snapped in two. Lame. When I broke the two bones in my arm into four bones in my arm, with the ulna looking like it might come out and say hello any minute, I did not shed even a single tear. I just looked around, pointed at my crooked spot and said, "can someone take me to the hospital?" When I fractured my skull, to my best recollection, (which if I'm honest is none since I had a pretty significant concussion,) I did not cry. This winter when I jumped off a rock and landed with my binding missing raping me by about a quarter of an inch giving me a goose egg on my nanny, not a yelp, altho...

"mm ankles... belly, ahh that neck. Its Mormon porn!" "How many peeps in a posse, how much booty before baby got back, do you have to be all that to get all up in that... even with the gift of tongues I'm having trouble learning to speak hip-hop." "Its like taking a shit Popsicle and covering it chocolate and saying its good." "So you want me to beat the chicken while you go play soccer?" "A couple jailed on suspicion of having a same-sex wedding was freed Monday after a doctor determined that the groom is a hermaphrodite." Male cashier : "WI"? Which state is "WI"? Female cashier : West Indies? Male cashier : Okay. That makes sense. "A nest of vipers," "A pox on your family" "No, there's a next of vipers over here. Really." "Oh, I thought you were taunting me. Sorry, a pox off of your family."