Wrap your head with this material...

I don't do resolutions. I think they're stupid. And clearly they don't work. I think everything's stupid sometimes. Its one of my less attractive personality traits- a tendency to get all look-down-my-nosey. Its lame. But I'm just so cool. Or snotty. Or something. Anyway, I figure if you need to change something about your life, you need to change it now. I mean now. Or tomorrow when you've got a plan for how to do it. But a magic analog change of the year, flippy number, brand newness... not going to do it. Change come because you work for it, becuase you're ready for it, because it needs to. My brother makes minutia resolutions. Like that he'll randomly turn on his turn signal more often, or use words that start with q more often, or something equal inane. I love them. One year, he reset his trip-tick in the car every time someone did something utterly stupid. I don't think he ever got above 3 miles. But I'm on the cusp of some

"At Walgreens, asked whatever the best cold medicine was to make meth with. Not sure why they had to involve the police." "Today, in order to fight child abuse, I'm eating pringles and drinking diet cherry dr. pepper in my jammies-I figure its at least as effective as changing my profile picture to a cartoon- if not more so..." "Dear Mom, You are one of my biggest inspirations in life. You picked yourself up so many times when life threw you down. Even though you gave Harley, the dog, away and spend way too much time at church, I love you much and will see you soon. Happy Birthday! Love, your daughter, mike." "Tonight, I learned how to remove pine tree sap from hair. After more than an hour I THINK I might be sap-free, and I smell like a peanut butter/olive oil/soap dish. New perfume? Not quite. Needless to say, no cookie baking happened and the Christmas tree and I are not speaking right now." "There's no 'i' in 

he constructed his personality in a junk yard just took things other people discarded and wore them around his neck noose tight fight with all your might to carve out what's yours a hubcap doesn't have to be what it appears I'd use yours to make a mean grilled cheese

Jeesh, haven't seen you guys in a while. What's it been, like a month? You'd think I'd been doing something important. Like being a mom. Really, I've been sewing a stalking. Holy distracted-and-horrible! I meant, STOCKING! From scratch. Every stitch, every sequin. Look who's crafty now, bitcheS! Sorry for calling you bitches. Around holidays and other some such marked events, I always think back. Sometimes I can't remember what I was doing the previous year. Or I think back and think, "meh" But last year, I found out I was pregnant on New Year's Eve. On account of the whole drink/not drink decision thing. So I was all happy, and nervous, and scared, and nervous and happy and scared. And nervous. And happy. Because I was just happy the first time I was pregnant, but that didn't turn out so good. And what's lame is that after you have a miscarriage, all you want in the world, I mean ALL you want in the world, is to be pregnant again. A

Ever notice how midgets on TV are only in entertainment. They're actors or porn stars or wrestlers. No midgets are just boring accountants or childcare providers or bank tellers. So I started thinking, "What job lends itself well to being a midget?" And the answer I came up with is, tailor for hemming and midwife for baby catching. In both cases the height thing would be a real advantage. In other news, did you know you could spell tepees "tipis." I want to pronounce that tea piss. Which I think makes a good urban dictionary word for the dribble of pee men don't bother to wipe off the end of their wangs when they pee. Or a midget dingle. Happy Hump Day, ya'll!

Got 2 messages from a client on my voicemail today. One said he thought I was back from "maturity leave." The other said he was glad I was back from "maternity labor." I love my job. Sometimes anyway. (but not as much as I love my kid. Its hard to be back at work. The silver lining is funny messages.)

"Our new nephew is pretty cool. Just for clarification, would you like to be the creepy uncle or the drunk uncle?" "Let's alternate for a while and see how we feel. You go creepy, I'll stay drunk, and we can have a little sit down and compare notes annually and then decide. I just don't feel comfortable comitting to one or the other just yet." Mom: "Oh hey! That's Tony Hawk on Yo Gabba Gabba" Kid: "You mean that old man trying to skateboard?" "I feel so dirty. Are all my teeth still there? Am I carrying a puppy mill puppy? Do my jeans have pockets? Are my roots showing? Going to WalMart is so scary! I need a shower!" "ah, December 1st. The day I spend all day debating which feels tighter- my budget or my waistband. No one likes a chubby poor chick. No one." "Thanksgiving. Not a good day to be my pants." "Eat that turkey bitch" - Ike Turner, Thanksgiving 1965