Wrap your head with this material...

This was in my fortune cookie last night: "You will win success in whatever you adopt." At first I thought it translated to: "Online translators give poor, literal translations." But now I know my destiny is to adopt a gorilla named Humphrey and that one day I will teach Humphrey to play "Man, Gun, Gorilla" (like rock paper scissors but physical. You stand back to back, count to three and turn around holding up your arms for gorilla, making a gun for duh, gun, and standing with your arms down for man. Gorilla kills man, man holds the gun, gun shoots the gorilla.) And I will win at this game because Humphrey will have to be the gorilla every time. Booo, ah ah ah!!!! Do not be confused, Humphrey, by the gorilla holding the gun. It is a ruse, like paper beating rock (which has always been illogical and stupid, unlike Man, Gun, Gorilla.) Sorry about your name, Humphrey. I tried to name you Hosiah, but Rob didn't like it. Blame him.

So I mentioned in this post that we got a dog. So I figure now I'll update you on his life. Cuz I'm sure you have nothing better to do that read about my dog. Firstly, he's named after Noam Chomsky but with a more dog-appropriate spelling. I talked Rob into getting a dog the same way I talked him into getting a cat: I cried and told him he could name it. Actually, this time I went one step further and agreed to buy a house to put it in. That's him. Wouldn't you cry too? Check him out here: He looks so astute, doesn't he? Well, don't be deceived. Wait till you hear this. This weekend I was in the backyard painting boards for shelving in the living room. Exciting, I know. I let ChompSki hang out in the back yard with me. Our yard is not fenced. We'd like to fence it, but we're sorta out of money from buying the damned house in the first place. So far, it hasn't mattered. So far, the dog (who spent the last who-knows-how-long living in...

You ever realize you just have a different perspective than other people? I was talking to Rob last night about my annoyance with my foot. (I just had a minor foot surgery that has made walking a right pain in the ass.) We'd been running errands in order to attempt to put up shelving in our living room and Target had been particularly grueling. Target is huge, especially so when you limp. I was passed on the way out by an ancient, white-haired woman with a cane. I'm not even making this up. She was all bent over and under 5 feet and everything. AND PASSED ME! Sometimes I cheer myself up mid-bitch. So as I was complaining, I started problem solving. "I think it'd be easier to bike than walk right now. I bet I could do it. Ooooh, maybe I could get a little tricycle and carry it around at work and everywhere and wouldn't that be fun?!" My husband just gave me a look and made some comment about how only I would think of using a tricycle for transportati...

I think I've hit my sexual peak. Know how I know? Cuz while watching Eddie Murphy's Delirious for the first time in like 20 years, I practically licked the screen. What the hell? In case you've forgotten Delirious, its standup with Eddie Murphy from 1983 . This is what he's wearing Tight. Red. Leather. Gross, right? I thought so too. At a minimum, its tacky and silly and should NOT make any straight woman my age think of sex. Then he turned around and I totally wanted to maow on his butt. Did I mention he's 22 in this video? Not only am I gross, but I'm also a perv aparently. And that's how you know: Sexual Peak. Welcome to 30. P.S. You should netflix it if you haven't seen Delirious in a while, cuz its funny. Really, really.

"Maddie just said "fuck." I asked her what it meant, and she said, "Fuck is when you hurt yourself, but you're okay!" "I have a friend who was born with an old school IUD sticking out of her head. I kid you not." "J completed the quiz " Which movie romance do you fit into? " with the result Jack + Ennix ." "Seriously??? Everyone else ends up as hot teenage vampires and I end up two gay cowboys??? I blame this on Texas!" "I'd rather be a treehugger than a mean mugger" "I always want a pile of cake. Although anything that sounded healthy... I left that off the plate. Tres Leches (three milks??) - waste of time (although, I tried it later and it was pretty good)." "Its like having a surprise party but forgetting to invite the people." "I'd like a cuckoo clock over my desk with a button I could push to make...

Each Wednesday I post an example of a strange person, or group of people that I've encountered, been told about, or read about. Guest submissions are welcome and can be sent to swedishskier@gmail.com There was a woman in the airport that had the most ridiculous outfit I've ever seen. She was built like Humpty Dumpty and had a sequined orange tent on with leggings and spray painted cinemon red hair. She was middle aged and I looked on anxiously awaiting her turning around. I expected full clown makeup because I was genuinely convinced she must've been a clown. But then she had a sullen annoyed face on with NO make up and that fucking crazy outfit. Unfortunately, my camera is still packed somewhere from moving so I got no picture. Its actually tragic. Cuz I wanted you all to see it.

"For those of you who got ripped a new one when your giant babies tore themselves out of your vaginas, you had it way worse and I respect that. I'm sorry your ladies got shredded like that. I hope you didn't end up with permanently blown out Frankencrotches." "I can spell haz anyway I want, you hear? I haz a master's degree!" "What’s your space suit for?" "Protecting me from space, Daddy!" "Ah, yes. That’s why I have a pressurized loin cloth." "Daddy, I don’t want to go to space for lunch any more." "ever get a sleep hangover? like you slept so much you need to sleep it off? That's what afternoons are like with the hum of air conditioning and dull monitors." "hey at least it does not involve vomit" "Oh my god, gross. Thanks for the reminder. Really, thanks Donlon. Hey, wanna play cornhole? I promise I'll even let you have a couple points." "Why do regulars at the 'brar...

Each Wednesday I post an example of a strange person, or group of people that I've encountered, been told about, or read about. Guest submissions are welcome and can be sent to swedishskier@gmail.com For those of you who don't know already, I work for Social Services mostly in child protection. As in any place, drugs are a huge issue for our work. And so we're constantly having clients do UAs to determine if they're using or not. They're typically placed on a color line and call a phone number daily to see if their color is up and if it is, they go piss in a cup. Its a little weird in generally, pissing in a cup, for any reason. But its especially weird to begin to associate non-yellow colors with pissing and furthermore with drug testing. But whatever, that's how the system works. Weirder still is the ways drug addicts come up with to get around these tests. I'm not talking potheads with their "cleanses." That shit's for amateurs with relative...

"I saw a squirrel running down the stairs with a cheeseburger. I thought of you." "Zombies are the bacon of pop culture. Whatever you put them in becomes better." "Sgt. L receives a call about a naked guy walking into a restaurant and putting ice in his butt." "article on the back of the Summit Daily today- 500 lbs man hid a 9mm in his flab. He made it through city and county jail searches without it being found. Since I had to experience that image just before lunch, I though you should have to too." "Fatty's be packin." "Your panties are like a unicorn to me. Put that in Friday Quotes." "Karin eating kitten heads. Does anyone even read this/check this site anymore? " "Do kitten heads have a lot of protein? lmao Im sure your mom's proud" "Sometimes its about the flavor, Nik" Poudre River(pronounced Pooter) Quotes "You can't complain about spending a hot day in a big wet spot on...

Each Wednesday I post an example of a strange person, or group of people that I've encountered, been told about, or read about. Guest submissions are welcome and can be sent to swedishskier@gmail.com One morning while camping over my birthday weekend I awoke to strange noises. "BANG! Clang, clang, clang!" as what sounded like aluminum bowls fell to the ground. Awake, cold, and with sore hips, I attempted to roll over and ignore it. Grunt, grunt, grunt, CLANG! *Timeout* You remember when you were a kid trying to go to sleep hearing your parents have a conversation outside your door. There was ONE volume of voice tone that made it impossible not to listen? It was just quiet enough that you had to stay quiet. And this made you stay quiet and listen no matter how boring the story of what mom was bringing to Sunday's church buffet was. Remember that? It was like that. *Time in* So I'm listening to this and the train of shit that I don't want to think abou...

So I tell stories in real life about my travels a lot cuz crazy shit happens to me when I travel. The trip with the most crazy shit to time spent ratio was to Chile in 2005. Like most of my big journeys, I went to Chile by myself. I was there for 2 months. People are always shocked at how much I travel by myself. Or that anyone would travel alone. Especially for extended periods of time. Especially to places where I don't speak the language. Especially being a cute blond. Especially when you're the person whose been known to travel without plans, reservations, a map, or knowing the language. But for me its the best way to go. You're the most open to meeting new people so you meet lots. You get plenty of alone thinking and writing time. You get to internalize your experience better. You get to do whatever YOU want. And mainly, the craziest and weirdest shit happens this way. My first two weeks in Chile were to be spent at a resort called Portillo. My profile ...

"What's up with the gallon bottle of chocolate syrup." "I mean fucking business, Dean." "Straight skis! Its so much better than gaper." "I love it that when I drunk-dial my parents, they don't know the difference." "Dude, you put your ovaries on TWITTER!?! Ah, if Heather's ovaries could tweet, they'd say "Get some!" Mine too really." "If you fuck a baby up, there's no amount of salt and butter that will fix it." "Anything having to do with using the corpse as a ventriloquist's dummy." "Is your daughter easier to get into than community college?" "moving on up, to the east side (karin...this is constantly in my head thanks to your cell phone ring)" On the sign out board at work: "Having a breakdown. Will be in Friday by noon after I clean up all the drool and foam."

So this is a little weak but I find leaving self-important messages annoying. I've called a number of people lately that have just bizarre things for their voicemail messages. Things like "3. 2. 1.. ACTION!!!" or go on and on about how the person probably won't call you back. "Leaving a message may or may not have any effect and cause me to actually call you back." or refer to themselves in the third person "You've reached the Prince of Darkness...." I might have to start leaving cryptic messages like this one Judith mentioned: "Hi, it's me again. I have nothing to say to you. I think I have...a wrong number, but if I just hung up you might see my number on your ID and call me and then I'd forget that I called you and not answer the phone because I wouldn't recognize the number. And then you might try me again and I would call you back wondering why you called me several times. So I hope you have a good day whoever you a...

You ever fuck up while driving and wish you had a "sorry dude" horn. I know what it would sound like. It'd say "wah, wah, waaaaaaaaaah" And if you crashed it would do the 'wah, wah, waaaaaaaaaah" thing and then say "Game Over" across your dash board. I had a lot of time to think today. We hiked up a mountain only to get slightly ditched by our homies who had to go to work and two of us took turns carrying a Husky over our shoulders down the mountain. I'd have stolen that horn out of someone's car if they'd had it. Cuz it really kinda summed up the day. Did I mention the dog was wet? And dirty? And that a beer exploded in my backpack so I had beer dripping down my back? On the plus side, the hike looked like this: Ahhhh, sunshine. This is Teshen, the sweet tired dog. We caught a ride back pretty easily with a series of nice folks. Oh, and I got to glissade (its like how you barefoot waterski, only its sliding down a pitch...

"I wonder what a cactus fruit popsicle tastes like. And if there will be a cure for AIDS in my lifetime." "I also have concrete proof that the bermuda triangle is a parallelogram." "the circus? Really? I much prefer you as a social worker who falls off her bike when drunk. Now that's a show!" "We drank a lot of beers and played on the Wii Fit board." "You got Wiinebriated?" "Yeah! And if I get really good at it I'm gonna call myself a Wiinebriadore!" "I think that Carrot Top and Fergie are seeing the same facial rejuvenatory specialist. It's hard to tell the two of them apart sometimes lately. And Joan Rivers and Steven Tyler look like twin lizards. Twizards." "This is the kinda jukebox you can ride." "Just cuz I got a peace sign on my shirt don't mean I won't go to war." Birthday Quotes "happy birthday! Take it easy drinking and Wiiing. Or biking. ps I fell off my barsto...

I've been thinking about how I feel about having told everyone I was pregnant. When I think about it, I get this guilty awful feeling in my stomach. Like I'm an idiot for telling people before it was time. Like I lied about being pregnant. Like I'm a naughty little girl who bragged about something she didn't deserve and so its promise was taken away as some sort of lesson. But I didn't do anything wrong. I WAS pregnant. I took care of myself and it didn't work out. It happens to a lot of people. I mean A LOT of people. Who also didn't do anything wrong. And shouldn't have to feel like they did. It shouldn't have to be some dirty secret or a hidden guilt. Rob and I have been trying to buy a house and have put in offers, gone under contract, and had at least a half dozen prospects go south. I didn't feel like a tattle tale when I talked about those things before they actually happened. I don't feel the need to lie about interviewin...

I'm at a Children's Advocacy Center waiting to meet with a guy. We're sitting at this table and I'm doing a crossword when I overhear this man telling a story. A natural eavesdropper, I practiced my talent. So this guy, right? He hears all about how you can pick up prostitutes on Craigslist, right? Rather than just thinking "That's crazy," like the rest of us, and moving on, he's thinking "that's great." So he decides to look into it. He picks out this one chic on there. He checks day after day, week after week for months! To make sure this broad's legit, right? He's pretty convinced she's the real deal so he contacts her and sets up her services, if you will. He shows up and instead of getting laid, two guys show up, beat the shit outa him and rob him. The story doesn't end there, though. This guy! This guy gets in his car, drives all the way across the city and calls the cops. Yeah, I know you're thinkin...

I was at a meeting on Thursday where 3 awesome things happened. 1. There’s this dude on the committee who I always listen to and can’t put together what its reminding me of. Finally figured out he sounds EXACTLY like John Wayne. Its really, really funny when he starts a sentence with “Well.” Especially when what he says after the "well" is very unwaynelike. 2. A couple of guys from Buildings and Grounds saw us meeting and knew who every member of the group was. (We were sitting outside.) So he turned the ONE sprinkler on that he knew would hit us. 3. I found out that if you put a dead horse in the landfill compost, in 30 days all that’s left is its femur. In 60 days its gone. In other news it’s the last day of my 20s today. 20s, You’ve been fucking awesome. Thanks for all the crazy stories and important lessons.. You can keep your heinous hangovers. Thanx, Swedish Skier

"Well, what fresh hell is this now?" "Feeding infants vitamins is like buying pee. They might as well just pee money." "Watch out. You're going to raise this kid to be some gangsta rapper who's going to rap about peeing money on girls." "My four year old has a special name for her “private area” and somehow she decided it was called a “Tootie”. Being an avid watcher of Facts of Life, this disturbs me." "On a scale of 1 to 10, that sucks." "when I was little, I thought that mermaid vaginas were in their belly button." "Great. Hope you're happy. You're kids will be living in beds of yogurt cups." Audience Participation Quote "That's the most ridiculous voicemail message I've ever heard. She said _________________. Who leaves that?"

Rob and I have been in rare form this evening. He went out and took the top off the '89 4Runner so we could take it 4 wheeling on our camping trip this weekend. I've knocked him over twice on the bed. I forgot how much fun that silly habit is. Makes me giggle every time. He's found a new favorite way to amuse himself. He's been singing " I'm on a boat " while karate chopping himself in the throat in order to sound like T Pain. Never thought I'd be married to T Pain. Or cheated on with a mermaid? Where's her vagina exactly? Oh and Rob also told me that the cat's his soul mate when I asked him for ideas for another way to say "kindred spirits." He's got flippy floppies for our trip though. Thank goodness. Oh and I'm not 30 yet, but I will be soon. I'll post pics too.