Sometimes I feel awkward. Like, middle school awkward. The kind where you just know people can see it. You bought the slightly off version of what's cool and your underwear's sticking out, or you stared too long until it became weird, or said something that made the world come to a screeching halt and now the whole world knows how odd you are. How ill-suited for normal company.
It doesn't happen a lot anymore. I live in a place that I'm perfectly suited for and that's partly why. I'm also good-looking and a lot of leeway comes with looks and age. But when my friends from home hang out, the middle schooler peaks out of me. Facebook is the worst for this. I should really abstain more.
When I lived in St. Louis, I was never part of any group. I had friends who were drug dealers, and friends from the honor's society. I had friends who were in college, and friends who were in drama at my school. I sprawled and felt awkward in most of those settings. I liked learning about different people and I always had a few folks in any given group that I felt a connection with. So I lingered on the outskirts of lots of groups.
I was never happy living there. Circumstances were never right, I never felt like I fit. Eventually, I gave up and left. I moved to Colorado and I've been happy ever since. And even though, I'm the one who did the leaving. Still, sometimes when the core of one of those groups has gotten together and had a good time, I feel like a loser who got stuffed in a locker and forgotten about. That's the thing. Of course they forget about me. I haven't lived anywhere near them in 9 years. But on certain vulnerable days, I feel sad and left out when my friends who are still friends and see each other often, stay friends and see each other often.
Oh, and I've been applying for jobs. Which involves a lot of rejection in the current employment climate. It's not exactly uplifting. While thinking, or obsession as the case may be, about what to say on a cover letter for example, I compulsively check email or FB or whatever. Which also means, I start to get a little wacky and free with the commenting. Then I found a job I thought sounded really interesting. So I contacted the only person I know who works for that organization. Wouldn't you know it, on FB. And then I realized he'd be my boss. Which is probably super uncomfortable and stupid but whatever.
Also, all this writing has had me on the computer a lot. Tomorrow, I'm taking a break to go to Denver and attend an information session on attending grad school. I'm seriously considering getting a Master's in creative writing. Is that the dumbest thing you've ever heard or what? What the hell does anyone do with a Master's in Creative Writing?
I just wanted to stare at the sun. Is that so wrong?
10 hours ago