When I saw this ad, I thought, "Is that a boy with hips or a girl with an unfortunate facial structure?" My brain grabbed onto this awefully unimportant bit of visual info and would not let go. Is it a boy or a girl? Turns out, this picture was an ad selling those shorts. I know I'm no fashion guru, but how does one sell those shorts? Is it by getting taking a picture of the most androgynous person ever wearing them?
Apparently so. The better question might be Why would one sell those shorts? If they get sold, some poor fucktard wanders the world wearing them. Apparently androgyny sells really ugly shit.
"I’d rather shit in a bowl, sprinkle a bit of sugar on it, pour milk over it, and eat it.”
"We've bonded over composting."
"Oh my god. My butt's so cold it feels like I have to poop."
"Pinko commie redneck leechbutt twatwaffle! I almost peed."
"My corn's growing nicely, well actually not fast enough. The other day I had to pee really bad..." A scientist on her field work.
"Your see-through underwear is all impressive but mine's trash. You had to buy your see-through underwear. I earned mine."
"I surreptitiously studied these invalids, their twisted hands, their closed faces, these parcels of life hunched in upon themselves. One of them caught my eye, and I ventured a smile. He responded by sticking out his tongue."
"No one's really all that jolly at your happy hour."
Women are born again and again and again inoneanother anotheranotheranotherme the whore and the bore just the same and which ovary digs the graves while the other holds a sheet up hundreds of ripened eggs holding up the gravity of a laden pelvis singing "push"
Why are small towns afraid of terrorists that have never heard of them? Why are authors all suddenly writing without punctuationitsannoyinglikenotusingspacing Why don't professors prepare for their classes instead of relying on the shitty powerpoint slides provided by the publishers! And why can't I have a goddamned electric car!
So Rob and I went for beers with a few of his coworkers the other day. One of the women I'd heard a lot about but had never met. She's an immigrant who's been in the community for like 10 years (ages in our super transient population.) She's probably the single most widely respected person working for their organization. Anyway, two funny things happened. The first was that (as I'm ever so good at doing) I stuck my foot in my mouth. Good thing I have small feet. She was telling a story about interviewing someone and how she couldn't understand anything the woman was saying. She then mentioned, "you know, she hasn't been in the country for very long, and her English is really hard to understand." "Why didn't you just do the interview in Spanish?" I dumbly asked. "Because she was Russian." "Ooooh." I said as everyone laughed at me. "Yeah its ok, racist." She teased as I laughed at myself.
So a little later she told me this story about how she'd gotten an email earlier in the day. The email was less than friendly and said something about hearing XYZ through the grapevine. She had replied, "Well, I don't know where this grapevine is, but ..."
I'll preface this by saying I LOVE people watching.
We were at the airport in Denver and I saw this woman probably in her forties, wearing a semi trampy playboy bunny sweat suit. I tend to think no truly self-respecting woman wears that fucking bunny, but hey. Then she turned, and I saw the biggest "I'm a HO!!" stamp ever. The pants had "juicy" across the butt. You know you're a ho when...
I think it would be funny to make pants that had "scratch n sniff" on the butt and a rose. He he.
So the male equivalent? Tattoos. Men get the stomach arc tattoo and inevitably what they get imprinted in themselves is aweful. I love tattoos, but god think em through. I saw a guy at the pool with 314 across his. Gooooooooo area code! The worst thought about that is, that guy probably never leaves his area code.
I'd like to encourage my computer nerd friends to get http:// stomach arc tattoos... any takers?
I didn't think so.
The worst stomach arc tattoo ever though, is a guy who got "white trash" tattooed on his stomach. Wow, he should go out with the juicy playboy bunny lady, but only if they're sterilized first.
Friday, July 4th we flew to St. Louis. Our plane began its descent about 9:15, just after sundown, when everyone set off their fireworks. We saw pockets of fireworks all over the city. They poofed apart in little confetti bursts for forty minutes before we landed. No crowds, no traffic, just quiet firework bellies and a smooth, smooth landing. Wonderful.
With prices as cheap as they are here in the Lou, and all the beautiful scenery, its a little curious there aren't more hippies. I finally figured out why not. Its because its FUCKING HOT! I went running in Forest Park yesterday and was drenched. I mean slick arms and legs asweatyness. Then we went to the City Museum for the afternoon and I sweat my clothes all up again. And the thing is, there's nobody doesn't want a shower in conditions like that. That and rednecks might use them for target practice.
I am afraid of changing lightbulbs. I HATE feet. I hate condiments. Vinegar is disgusting. I check behind the shower curtain of people's houses because I'm the kind of person who would hide there to scare someone. When I was six I went to school with my coat and no shirt on. When I was 10 I didn't brush my hair for 4 months. My favorite errand is going to the library. I will pull things out of the trash to recycle them. I hate country music and jam bands. I have great aim when throwing things even though I can't play an upperbody sport to save my life. I like dark art. I trust scary looking people almost immediately.