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Karin Mitchell's books on Goodreads
Between Families Between Families
reviews: 5
ratings: 8 (avg rating 4.75)

Saturday, December 26, 2009

A Public Service Announcement from Smokey the Bear

I'm reposting this because Lora at Fever wrote about smelly lotions a while back in a post, and then a day later my boss gave us all decorative money clips (because social workers have lots of money) and honeydewmellonball and sugarplum fairy handsoap (because all that money we have is dirty.)

THEN, at a Sustainability Task Force meeting (which is where a bunch of us from different departments all over the county government get together to try and get us to a zero waste organization,) we got off on a side conversation about feeding wildlife. I was so stunned. I mean, who doesn't know not to feed wildlife? Apparently, one woman showed up to do a home inspection, only to find bag upon bag of dog food in the garage. She asked the homeowners about their dogs, to which they looked confused and then explained that they leave the food out for the foxes and coyotes. Don't worry, I'm sure the bears know its not for them. Jesus, idiots. There were tons of stories like this.

So without further ado, A Public Service Announcement from Smokey the Bear.

smokey the bear

Stop Wearing Shit that makes you smell like food.

Seriously. Its fall. I'm hungry. I'm trying to store up for hibernating so please, stop wearing that ridiculous mixture of mountain boison berry soap and java pumpkin seed lotion.

You think I don't eat you because you have semi automatic weapons and big trucks, but that's not it. I feel sorry for you. For you and all your stupid weird-patterned-hair brethren. Seriously, what's with that tuft of hair on the back of your head? And the occasionally spotty patches elsewhere? No other animal looks so pathetic.

I watch you on the bike path with your dog Sparky. "No Sparky, get down. Don't stick your nose in that poor gentleman's crotch. No!" Don't you get it you dumb bald animals? Sparky is trying desperately to figure out where you DON'T smell like food. He sniffing around going, "Where's the animal? Why does this bald thing smell like a roast? What the fuck?"

Sparky will eat you if he can't figure out that you're NOT a roast duck or a berry desert. And he's excited about this. That's why he's wagging his tail. Sparky's not real bright. That's why an animal stupid enough to need fire advice from a fucking bear who sleeps several months of the year, is able to own him.

So stop washing and conditioning your pathetic patch of hair with Olive Oil and Soy

for blog 040

and washing your hands with black raspberry vanilla

for blog 049

And putting lemon parsley lotion on afterwards

for blog 046

Remember only you can keep me from hitting you over the head before making you my dinner.

smokey only you


Unless you want me to think you're marinating on your way to being burried for a luau. Because, if it smells like dinner, and runs like prey, it must be...that I'm gonna eat you.

Then I'm going to bed for a few months.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Friday Quotes!

"beer-and-a-pot-pie cha-cha-cha!"
"College, are you there? Its me, Karin."

"if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are."

"I have a crush on Swedish Skier's brain."

"Hullo, I glanced at your post and needed to share with you something that you will find engrossing."

"Don't give my dog drugs. I mean it!"

"I'm trading A-basin in my crotch for Beaver Creek."

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Wednesday Weirdos: The Grimmkeeper

Ever met someone who manages a cheap motel? I did.

At a party no less. He runs the cheapest, creepiest place in town. He's nice enough, gives out vouchers to help stranded people and victims of domestic violence. But the place is infamous.
And he was exactly what I would have pictured.

As in... missing teeth.
As in... corners you to tell stories about the dead people he's found in hotel rooms.
As in... corners you and does not stop talking to you for 45 solid minutes about said dead people.
As in... not even all the way in the door to the party, corners you and does not stop talking to you for 45 solid minutes about dead people.

It was awkward. And uncomfortable. But worse yet, I was invovled in a finding-a-dead-guy-situation and I totally wanted to tell people about it.

But I won't. Except, now I've put it out there so I have to.

The story is really just sad. I got a referral about a man who had been neglecting himself and was dying after years and years of abusing alcohol. I was unable to go out and check on him, so I sent police. Who found him. Dead.

That's all I know. But it was upsetting. And I wasn't even there. Thank god. But it was still upsetting anyway.

So yeah, I get why the guy told us about the dead people he'd found in hotel rooms. But he was still missing teeth and telling strangers about dead people while sitting on a staircase. So, I'm making him a weirdo anyway.

The Grimmkeeper.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Friday Quotes

"I gave Toddler a plastic drink sword and a paper drink umbrella the other day and he gave them back saying, "no thanks, I'm not a Chinese girl"
me: "what?"
Toddler: this is how Chinese ladies fight dragons (holding the umbrella above his head and making jabby motions with the sword) "


"I should have blown him kisses. There really aren't that many opportunities to blow Demian kisses."


"Hopefully I'll be back if the judge doesn't chew my ass too bad."
"top or bottom?"
"I'm hoping it'll be the whole thing so I can get disability. It doesn't sound quite as bad when you just got half your ass chewed."
"I don't think they make a donut for that."
"That's a funny mental image."
"Ha! Every effort you made would be halfassed!"
"Wow, that was Rob-level of bad joke. I love it!"

"You look like a parapalegic trying to do pushups."

"Interview today with a girl. On her application, question: What restaurant/office equipment are you able to operate? Answer: Sink. I want to hire her just to torment her. Leave the water running, grab her in a wild-eyed panic, saying "Only you can help!""

Friday, December 11, 2009

Friday Quotes!

"You are sexting a monkey and getting turned on."

"The fairyest of drag queens and 3 year olds have the same taste in music."

"Michelle's brow furrow turned into a brow spasm at age 13."

"You spit something up on my boob and made me pick it off and put it in my drink."

"The fruit is getting good and sucked."

"If you ever want to fuck again, I'm gonna buy you an iPhone cuz there's an app for that."

"Karin is a whore. Yeah, your wife is a whore and it is quite a video."

"He got nomigranite"

".... inappropriate"
"Innapropriate comments? That's what little girls are made of."
"Girls are made of Adderall."

"We thought WE were having a normal conversation. We were just talking about animal sex."

"I've been hit with 14 hoola hoops and slapped in the face with hippie smell and I don't even know."

"I'm just glad you don't have a fucking rainbow, you bilingual elf."

"It has been brought to my attention that I may owe you an apology. Something about a slipping incident, then holding you down with my foot, and a camera. Yup, consider me sorry."

"Windy.The manger across the street blew over: Joseph rolled down a hill, Mary is trapped under a bench, and I think Jesus is in a tree. "

"I know you told me something you wanted for Christmas but now I can't remember what it was."
"Gray socks."
"No wonder I couldn't remember. That's the boringest shit I've ever heard."

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

My Bitchy Pelvis

My pelvis is instable. Doesn't that make it sound like it has a mood disorder? Like I might hip check you one day and hump you the next? That's not what it means. I'm having problems with my SI joint. Thank god. Because I thought it was going to be a disc thing. And my brother had a disc thing that resulted in 3 surgeries and a significant hospital stay. I'll take my bitchy girdle (pelvic girdle that is.)

So yesterday I started physical therapy. I told the PT about how if I do a Kegel, I can pop my lower back. Fucked up right? Sounds like I have an unstable and tempestuous pelvis. Like it can roar. She actually said its not all that uncommon. So there's apparently a bunch of roaring, snapping, moody lady hips out there. Be aware.

So later in the appointment she's going over the exercises she wants me to do to help keep my hips aligned (one hip was an inch and a half higher than the other until she yanked it into place.) She's explaining how I need to tighten my lower abs, and "lock your key hole."

"Where exactly is my keyhole?" I say, with a furrowed brow.

Which sends her into fits of giggles.

She composes herself and says "Kegel. Kegel. You know where you can pop your back."

"I'm so calling it my keyhole from now on."

Which gets me thinking of all the things I like to call it. Vagina sounds so clinical and like its no fun at all. It sounds like a medicine or a punishment. Now funpouch, that's a name a girl can get behind. Or in front of or whatever. I'm a fan of nanny and yoni and javina and party pita now I have KEYHOLE! What do you call it?

In other vaj-sounding news, I have a friend who invented the insult "clam pouch." It sounds AWEFUL, right? But her contention is that it doesn't mean anything? Eh, maybe. But it definetely brings to mind the not-so-fresh-party-pita. Her work has banned her from saying the word.

clam

I told some other friends about this, who don't know her. And it kept us entertained all night. The apex of it all was when Molly got up to go to the bathroom and said all nonchalantlike "I have to go empty my clam pouch." And when she returned, she was welcomed back by 8 people making a certain two handed gesture that looked much like a clam.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Friday Quotes!

"It's a good thing I love Roxie so much, since she dropped butter in my purse."



"My current proof against intelligent design: A pig's clitoris is INSIDE her vagina. If there was an intelligent design ALL females would be designed this way."

"Watching news about Tiger Woods and my kid asked "Is that Obama's brother?""

"Ever notice that dudes always call it a "penis cake." They never say "cock cake." Which is too bad cuz its fun to say."


"My list isn’t long, but I have a lot to be thankful for and topping that list is: I GOT A MOTHERFUCKING KIDNEY! Sorry, I’m a selfish bitch and living makes me happier than anything/anyone else. "

"I'm going to empty my clam pouch."

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Wednesday Weirdos: WWWTMAJD

wednesdsay weirdo
On Wednesdays I (sometimes) post an example of a strange person, or group of people that I've encountered, been told about, or read about. Guest submissions are welcome and can be sent to swedishskier@gmail.com

Code for What Would White Trash Mexican American Jesus Do?

Becuase in St. Louis last week, I was driving behind this guy who had a truck that looked a little like this:

old pickup

But with an eagle, flag combo decal on the back window

eagle flag combo

And stickers and sayings all over the place about Jesus. There was the fish, and angel figurines were built into the wooden truck bed, and there were stickers of White-Jesus's face, and I could. Not. Look. Away.