Friday Quotes

"I gave Toddler a plastic drink sword and a paper drink umbrella the other day and he gave them back saying, "no thanks, I'm not a Chinese girl"
me: "what?"
Toddler: this is how Chinese ladies fight dragons (holding the umbrella above his head and making jabby motions with the sword) "


"I should have blown him kisses. There really aren't that many opportunities to blow Demian kisses."


"Hopefully I'll be back if the judge doesn't chew my ass too bad."
"top or bottom?"
"I'm hoping it'll be the whole thing so I can get disability. It doesn't sound quite as bad when you just got half your ass chewed."
"I don't think they make a donut for that."
"That's a funny mental image."
"Ha! Every effort you made would be halfassed!"
"Wow, that was Rob-level of bad joke. I love it!"

"You look like a parapalegic trying to do pushups."

"Interview today with a girl. On her application, question: What restaurant/office equipment are you able to operate? Answer: Sink. I want to hire her just to torment her. Leave the water running, grab her in a wild-eyed panic, saying "Only you can help!""