Goodreads

Karin Mitchell's books on Goodreads
Between Families Between Families
reviews: 5
ratings: 8 (avg rating 4.75)

Friday, January 30, 2009

Friday Quotes!

"What blood type does a rastafarian have?"
"B positive."

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's the best they're going to feel."

"Voila! The Wunder Boner!"
"My wife would like that!"

"I couldn't tell if she was being ignorant or condescending. But I knew it was one of them"

"and the world will be made of unicorns and rainbows then."

"Karin fuck 25 things, it just deleted mine."
"What it did? Can't you fuck em back somehow?"

"I like to use the word 'weird' as a verb."
"I like to use the word 'fuck' as a verb."

"I want to be pregnant so I can blame all the dumb things I do on pregnant brain."
"You can't teach a pregnant dog new tricks!"

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Wednesdays' Weirdos: Stalkers

So I was going to a house yesterday as part of a child abuse investigation and we brought a cop with us. We were chatting about approaches with the county car next to his and both windows down when I saw this through his window:

stalker

Yes, it looks like a regular radar gun, but did you notice the brand name? How freaky is that? Aren't cops supposed to save us from stalkers? And the ATS, what do you think that stands for? A tad stupid Stalker? Someone picked that brand name. Making them, this week's weirdo: Stalker the brand name!

Friday, January 23, 2009

Friday Quotes!

“if they were abortion donuts, i don’t think i’d want one. i assume they’d be taking them out of the oven way too early.”

"Some things just go together perfectly, but no one would've believed it was true about cocaine and rhinos until you came along."

"They're fuckin badass skis. I kinda wanna hump 'em sometimes."
"Yeah? Me too."
"I'm not really sure which is stranger."

"Congratulations. your facebook is now a fucking cat calendar for grandmas everywhere."

"I don't want to go nowhere if its a buncha long haired hippie types sittin' around in their pajamas cryin'."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Lukewarm acceptance is much more bewildering that outright rejection." MLK Jr.

"Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions — that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America." Barack Hussein Obama 1st Inaugural Address

"Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions — who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage." Barack Hussein Obama 1st Inaugural Address

Friday, January 16, 2009

Friday Quotes

"When God gives you lemons, you find a new god."

"Well, the good news is that you did not curse out the valet... or any of my fancy pants friends... Oh wait... no, you did cuss out a dude who complimented my cute stylish boots. Just remembered that one"
"So I made it through, not cussing at the shaggy long haired dude who told me all about skiing the "black diamonds" and his dead wife, AND through the guy who wouldn't stop hitting on me even though I told him I was married, but I cussed out the guy who complimented your boots?"

"It's not a unicorn...it's a horse with a sword on its head that guards my hopes and dreams..."

"It was a dark and steamy night in Vegas. She had just started twittling her twattle when...."

"I just hang out with you guys cuz you're all smart and you're cheaper than college."

And men, this book not only offers many examples of how to improperly use "quotation marks", but it also provides a definitive list on when no REALLY means no:
1) "It's that time of the month."
2) "I have gas."
3) "The clinic results aren't back yet."
4) "I don't feel 'fresh' down there."
5) "I need the money up front."


"I went online to look at pictures of other dogs’ stomachs and it turns out that none of them have belly buttons which doesn’t make sense at all because almost all animals have umbilical cords so why is it that no animals have belly buttons except for dolphins and now that I think about it I’m not even sure that that thing on the top of a dolphin is even a belly button?"





"Waffle Crapper: A chick so hot that you wouldn't care if she walked up and crapped on your waffle. In fact, you'd probably welcome it."


"Tonight's the night we look at President Bush's relationship with the media. I wonder if tonight's the night they finally do it?"

"That was worse than gotcha journalism, that was askya journalism."


"Were you suggesting that Dean once had a fart in his butt that was breathed in by Holy Mary, thus giving her the power to heal?
We must know."


"I have this irritating feeling I'm going to be embarrassed for posting this clip tomorrow afternoon. Could be a fart bottled up, though."

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Dear Book Pimp

So I wrote this book and I think it's pretty decent. That's the feedback I'm getting anyway, which is bitchin' really since I have a degree in Education, NOT writing. Plus, this is my first try, so really I should be happy, right?

But, turns out writing the book is maybe the easy part. The publishing is another story. You have to find a Literary Agent. To do this, you have to write a 1-3 page letter to many literary agents to convince them to read a sample chapter. Send it with a Self addressed stamped envelope (SASE) and wait. there's more but I'm already experiencing a high level anxiety just writing about this part. In my letter, I'm supposed to explain who I am, what my book's about, why I'm qualified to write it, why its sicky illy good, who'll read it, and on and on. AHHHHHhhhhh!

This shit scares me.

Also, I'm supposed to be witty, clever, literary, and junk. Oh and explain a 300 page book in a sales pitch. I'm not a freakin' saleswoman. So here's my letter now:


Dear Book Pimp,

slickback

I prefer to call you a book pimp as it makes you sound stylish and powerful, which you likely are, at least with words. I like slang in case you can't tell. Also, I figure an agent who allows me to call them a Book Pimp won't mind if I say things like rockin' and fuck. I swear a lot. I prefer any social situation that allows me to do this. Just thought you should know up front. I do not have an association of Literary Agent with lady-slapping. I just like purple fur and think you should get some props for reading a lot of crappy writing.

My writing is not crappy. In fact, it's rockin'.

SPOILER ALERT* I don't know how to tell you about my book without spoiling some stuff so if you want to read it fresh, skip the next paragraph*

I wrote a manuscript and that's what folks who've read it have said. Its called Word Salad and its about a girl who grows up and all these fucked up things that happen to her. She's got a mom, but her mom's kinda coked out and leaves her with a dude who tries to rape her. She accidentally kills him with a swiss army knife. She was mostly just trying to stop him from raping her but any 12 yeard old who accidentally kills someone is going to be pretty messed up about it. The story follows her life until her mid thirties including a stint in a residential treatment center. I used to work in residential treatment as a teacher. (In case you're worried, I didn't use the word fuck there or any other cuss words, at least not in front of the kids.)

So I finished this writing project and told it to publish itself, but to this point it hasn't listened. Its just gotten passed around from friend to friend getting read. Which isn't so bad really, since I get to hear what people think about it who already like me. So my book's out there whoring itself, but what it really needs is a Book Pimp. This is where you come in. I'd like you to read a sample chapter or two and decide you'd like to represent it to publishers. I think the book could sell well since it represents a unique view point of a kid going through treatment and trying to come out the other side of treatment and become a "well-adjusted" adult. But just because she makes it out of treatment doesn't mean life stops handing her challenges. I think its a bit of a page turner, easy reading, but with some meaning too.

(Insert info on work life here along with how I'm good to work with because I take criticism so well as in I don't cry or throw things but keep my personal agony to myself and actually follow deadlines and stuff)

Then I'd leave my contact info and tell them to call me or else someone else might publish it and they'll be kicking themselves for not calling first.

Word em up!
Karin Louise
aka Swedish Skier

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Morning Swim

dip a toe in
my mind a dull, blank slate
shocked by the temperature
Buddha would be proud
me in the moment
I crawl from one end to the other
rays of sun cracking through
my mind, waking, darts around
a pinball hitting subjects
ding!
But Buddha can't frown
besides I just got high score.

After a time, my mind settles into a routine
one, two, three, four, five
Breathe
stroke, kick, glide, push, turn
Breathe
and a subject,
presents itself:
you.

I picture you grinning
underwater
watching bubbles bursting
at the surface
forming a layer
of hot air bullshit
between you
and the living world above you
The skin of ice expands
thickens
protects you
down to earth
genuine
Your hair sways
and
the low rumble of bubbles bursting
is the only sound

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Friday, January 9, 2009

An Anonymous Woman

Her nest sits empty
cracked eggs, blue and speckled
used for someone else's breakfast
not the babes they were meant to be
the kitchen's now too clean
you could eat off the floor
so no one does
the way they used to
no crayon marks alert
"off limits"
noises' echoes
long lost on a breeze
now
no cries
no protests
not a peep is heard.
The mother hen,
unemployed now,
is only an Anonymous Woman,
who has lost her downy jacket,
shivering.

Friday Quotes!

"Holy Mary giving Joseph a donkey show….what the fuck has happened to this blog?"

"She's crazier than a rat in a drain pipe."

"I just sold some used panties."
"Ew! Were they moist vagina panties? Or crisp molded ones? Heehee."

"You just got a lung full of Dean's butt. That was totally in Dean's butt and now its in your lungs."

"Gay kitties everywhere applaud you for your efforts. And yes, they are watching you on your balcony. The gay kitties, I mean. They're watching you."

"And what if they see something in my house that they like and come for it? Like my rare collection of dust bunnies or that weird doll I got for my birthday?"

"I don't believe in the moon. I think its the back of the sun."

"I paid you two thousand dollars and five hundred dollars as well."

"Has not hittin' a bitch been workin' for you? I mean, scientifically speaking, has not hittin' a bitch achieved the desired results?"

Me *pokes steak with fork* "Ah, you tender, sexy pience of meat!"
Rob "Thank you."
Me "I was talking to the ninja."
ninja in a cup
(Rob's growing a ninja in a mug in the kitchen. Its my own fault for putting it in his stocking.)

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Dare I ask?

Why yes, yes he did.
Muskrat sent me the following rules, which I will likely disregard

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Then, he sent me the following questions which I may or may not answer as I see fit to make up or avoid cuz its my blog and I'll lie if I want to. Its called "creative license," look it up.

1) Where do you find your Friday quotes? Real life, blogs, both?

In Sweden, live little men called Tomtes, (pronounced tom-tahs,) They have beets for ears and live exclusively by hunting mushrooms. They are fueled by a vicious hatred of being confused with yard gnomes and therefore travel all their days, murdering and beheading various lawn decorations. Plastic is a special hatred for them in case you're a freak with lawn animals. Be warned.

tomte

Anyway, each year they take a break from their pillaging of irresponsible Swedish lawns to celebrate the witticisms each has heard. Each Tomte writes his or her favorite quote from the year on a scrap of paper and offers it up to the Great Moose. Whatever the Great Moose doesn't eat, they let me take.

That, and my husband, friends, and I have some funny conversations that I occasionally write down. Oh and movies, blogs, books. Gina runs a mean Friday Quotes, and she has a neat little icon that explains where they come from. I do a little dance for the Tomtes every time I make her Friday Quotes.


2) Are you really Swedish? Can you ski? If "no" to either, what's your blog's name's origin then?

Are you freakin kidding me?
I have blonde braids that stick out of my red helmet and I can sing the entirety of "Du Gamla Du Fria" but you don't want me to do that because I'm really really tone deaf and you'll be sorry. (That's the theme song to Sweden, I mean national anthem.) Also, please see my Christmas Post where there's a picture of my sexy new skis, the Hellbents.... ahhhh. Still doubt my skiing Swedish badassedness??? I live in Frisco, CO. Come visit. Vi ses.

"Wrap your head with this material" is a line from an Erykah Badu song.


3) Describe your favorite Christmas letter (received) this year. Favorite ever?

Ummm. I've moved once or twice a year for more than 10 years. No one has my address. I got two Christmas letters. One had a picture. So I'll pick it. Thanks Karyl! Your girls are darling.

4) Some of your categories include "drinking," "social services," and "fuck you." Have you ever been intoxicated enough to earn a "Fuck you!" from a Social Services professional? Why or why not?

Mickey, my coworker, said "Fuck you!" to me today when I told the tech people that she took a crap on my laptop and that was why it was not working. I work for Social Services. I was drunk.
But not really.
I'd get fired.
And I like working there.
I haven't had a client say "fuck you" to me yet, though I plan on it. I did have an adult protection case (I normally do Child Protection) tell me to tell people to "Mind their own business" and "Go mop their floors!" Crazy, angry, old ladies are so cute.

5) Your 100th post had 101 items, which must mean you're a troublemaker. What's your most mischievous act?

I'm so flattered that you noticed, Muskrat! I'm not sure so I'll tell a couple of stories and let you decide.

One time I had this roommate who had a pink arm cast when I met him and insisted that men could and should wear pink. I disagree. Really. Unless you're gay or someone's paying you to wear it, please don't wear pink as a man. Thanks.
On April Fool's Day, I dressed his dog up in a jeweled tiarra and painted his toenails hot pink and put hot pink ribbons in his fur. I also put confetti in his snowboard boots and painted his car windows with hot pink waterpaint to say, "Pink: Its the new Black!"

I got a guy to do naked cartwheels and then sing "I'm a little teapot," while standing on his head with his knees on his elbows. There was no reward for this. It was neat.

My ex boyfriend kept stealing the covers. I went into his apartment one day and hid every item of bedding he owned in various cupboards and pantries throughout the place and left a ransom note from "The Blanket Monster."

blanket monster

It said in brief, that if he did NOT cease and desist stealing the covers, he would never see his sheets again. It included a mock police report.



I had a school prank war (when I was a teacher) that included such fun things as rearranging the keys on the keyboard, bungeeing doorknobs together, a dead mouse in some hand sanitizer, and something about a dead fish. Its a little fuzzy though. It may or may not have included me chasing the principal around with water balloons.



Want me to interview you? Provide an email address in the comments. If everyone who reads this blog asks, I'll write 20 interview questions! Whew! I think I can handle it.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Wednesdays' Weirdos: Christmeth Presents

My mom has this really weird friend who acts super tweaked out and really she probably is, but also she's just weird. This is the series of things she put together to give my mom for a 60th birthday present. Also, the dumb meth head was in front of the restaurant waving wildly when we arrived for my mom's SURPRISE 60th birthday party.

WOW cat card

Dumb bitch. So even if she weren't weird, I'd probably find a way to work her over on my blog. Since she's weird though, it works out nicely.

This is the hideous bag she gave my mom her birthday present in.

Rob keeps the cat in the bag even when crazy meth lady doesn't

Notice how stylishly he sports it with a kitten inside. Did I mention he knows how to keep the cat in the bag, even if the crazy meth lady doesn't?

Not one

Christmas and New Year's 2008 and 2009 024

Not two

Christmas and New Year's 2008 and 2009 022

But four

Christmas and New Year's 2008 and 2009 023

Calendars

in the Christmeth present bag

Don't forget the sea salt,

Christmas and New Year's 2008 and 2009 021

And my mom's house key back

Christmas and New Year's 2008 and 2009 020

Just cuz.

Making her this week's Wednesdays Weirdo: Christmeth Present Giver

Monday, January 5, 2009

Just another Christmas with the In-Laws

So at Christmas with my in-laws we played Dirty Santa/White Elephant/Screw Your Neighbor... wait, scratch that last one, that's a drinking game.

The present I ended up with, was a 3 foot tall, skinny, glass vase. I had no way to get it home, even if I'd wanted to. I didn't want to. Instead, I decided we should put beer in it. This seemed totally appropriate at the time.

I started us off.

Christmas and New Year's 2008 and 2009 014

Then Rob got into the game.

Christmas and New Year's 2008 and 2009 016

(Sorry for the blur. All technology hates me and I am incapable of buying a decent piece of anything but shit.)

Finally, my mother-in-law, Sheila, proved once again, how freakin' rockin' cool she is.

Christmas and New Year's 2008 and 2009 019

You didn't know it at the time, but this was your elementary school counselor. Or could've been, if you were lucky.

I love Christmas with the In-Laws

Friday, January 2, 2009

Friday Quotes! Best of 2008 Part II

“What’s the difference between Sarah Palin’s mouth and her twat?”
“Only 1/5 of what comes out of her twat is retarded.”

"THAT is not goddess nectar - that is PEE PEE"

"I love that you used the word Fiduciary."
"We're not going to use that word in this organization though right."
"We could have an accountant and call the person the fidouchebag."

"Actually, her mom’s in the hospital, and I just suck at getting children ready rapidly. In fact, I can nearly guarantee we’ll be late tomorrow. Perhaps you should be proactive and fill out the top part of tomorrow’s tardy slip for us."

"There is absolutely no middle ground in this state. You are either a rapture awaiting promise keeper or you drive a car that runs on gorp."

"Each month I somehow magically forget about PMS, that is until I find myself in a clown suit holding a machine gun in search of the town water tower."

"Do you mind if I show my slug mating video while we wait?"

"You're sour."
"You're sour."
"I'm not sour. I'm an edgy version of pleasant."

"Well, my relationship is kind of like cigarettes for you. It's not so good for you but you kind of need something to put in your mouth."

"Its like taking a shit Popsicle and covering it chocolate and saying its good."

Matt "What does a doggie say?"
Linnea "Woof"
Matt "What does a lion say?"
Linnea "Roar"
Matt "What does a gramma say?"
Linnea "Yes"
Matt "What does a Buddhist say?"
Linnea "Namaste"
Matt "What does a zombie say?"
Linnea "Brains"

"Stuntcock is balls deep in your earhole"

"When god was handing out butts, I stood in line twice!"

"Due to my own rules, my date must contain honky tonk and/or badonka donk."

"Fuck you! I don't mean you, I mean...
oh no, I fuck the same you that you're referring to."

"Excuse me, do you have time to help save the environment?"
"I'm sorry, I already saved the children this morning and then told the Democratic Party to go fuck themselves three blocks ago, so no, I don't have time to save the environment today. Maybe tomorrow, hippie."


"What are 'feces'?"
"Baby mice"
"Ew!!!"

"I’ve got a Johnny Cash song stuck in my head"
"Could be worse"
"Yeah, it could be stuck in my butt."
(doubled over laughing) "The first thing that popped in my head is, ‘and it burns burns burns… the ring of fire’"

“Never play gay chicken with a guy whose dad is gay.”

"Haikus can be fun,
but sometimes they don't make sense.
Refrigerator."

"Let's see how long before 50 cent uses a word with more than two syllables. Oh and Escalade and motherfucker don't count. Proper nouns if you will."



AND My Favorite Friday Quote of 2008
(from none other than my mama)


"And the dogs? How much do you feed them?"
"One pussy scoop."
Food Bowl