Goodreads

Karin Mitchell's books on Goodreads
Between Families Between Families
reviews: 5
ratings: 8 (avg rating 4.75)

Friday, July 31, 2009

Friday Quotes!

"I wonder what a cactus fruit popsicle tastes like. And if there will be a cure for AIDS in my lifetime."

"I also have concrete proof that the bermuda triangle is a parallelogram."

"the circus? Really? I much prefer you as a social worker who falls off her bike when drunk. Now that's a show!"

"We drank a lot of beers and played on the Wii Fit board."
"You got Wiinebriated?"
"Yeah! And if I get really good at it I'm gonna call myself a Wiinebriadore!"

"I think that Carrot Top and Fergie are seeing the same facial rejuvenatory specialist. It's hard to tell the two of them apart sometimes lately. And Joan Rivers and Steven Tyler look like twin lizards. Twizards."

"This is the kinda jukebox you can ride."

"Just cuz I got a peace sign on my shirt don't mean I won't go to war."

Birthday Quotes
"happy birthday! Take it easy drinking and Wiiing. Or biking. ps I fell off my barstool & thought of you yesterday."
"Happy birthday! Or the week! have fun, take a first aid kit with u! =)"
"You gonna sock some armless chick because shes got no balance? What do you think this is your birthday?"

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Thinking about trying again

I've been thinking about how I feel about having told everyone I was pregnant. When I think about it, I get this guilty awful feeling in my stomach. Like I'm an idiot for telling people before it was time. Like I lied about being pregnant. Like I'm a naughty little girl who bragged about something she didn't deserve and so its promise was taken away as some sort of lesson.

But I didn't do anything wrong. I WAS pregnant. I took care of myself and it didn't work out. It happens to a lot of people. I mean A LOT of people. Who also didn't do anything wrong. And shouldn't have to feel like they did. It shouldn't have to be some dirty secret or a hidden guilt.

Rob and I have been trying to buy a house and have put in offers, gone under contract, and had at least a half dozen prospects go south. I didn't feel like a tattle tale when I talked about those things before they actually happened.

I don't feel the need to lie about interviewing for and beginning a new job until after my probationary period is over.

But somehow this antiquated fear and shame creeps in when its about having babies. Rob and I are thinking of trying again. I'm happy about it. I didn't do anything wrong. I don't need to expect it to be a miserable punishment of a secret. I don't need to feel guilty about anything. Hopefully now that I've written it, I can make it true.

Because I'm ready to be happily trying. I still may not tell people right away the 2nd time. But neither will I hide it to assuage some superstition. I'm going to take it one step at a time. And let it feel good.

Wednesdays Weirdos: Anil Reddy

I'm at a Children's Advocacy Center waiting to meet with a guy. We're sitting at this table and I'm doing a crossword when I overhear this man telling a story. A natural eavesdropper, I practiced my talent.

So this guy, right? He hears all about how you can pick up prostitutes on Craigslist, right? Rather than just thinking "That's crazy," like the rest of us, and moving on, he's thinking "that's great." So he decides to look into it. He picks out this one chic on there. He checks day after day, week after week for months! To make sure this broad's legit, right?

He's pretty convinced she's the real deal so he contacts her and sets up her services, if you will.

He shows up and instead of getting laid, two guys show up, beat the shit outa him and rob him.

The story doesn't end there, though. This guy! This guy gets in his car, drives all the way across the city and calls the cops.

Yeah, I know you're thinking what an idiot, you tried to get a prostitute and you're calling the cops now. Buddy, let it go. You got off light. Not this guy, though.

He calls the cops. The cops show up and he tells them the story. The cops are like, Buddy- you were gonna spend the money anyway. But this guy keeps talking.

So it turns out the girl had already turned a few customers that day and was tired or whatever and just didn't feel like working this guy. So she had her buddies show up to tell him no business today.

Yeah, I know its fucked up. But that's not the fucked up part. The dude's name is Anal Ready. A-N-I-L R-E-D-D-Y! No wonder he was going to a prostitute.


At this point, my coworker and I are laughing so hard, I'm SURE he's going to hear us and stop telling the story- knowing that strangers are in the CHILDREN'S ADVOCACY CENTER while he's talking about prostitution. But he doesn't. I missed anything else he said about it.

What I'll say. You can't have a name like Anil Reddy and go to jail. Don't drop the soap, Anil!

Monday, July 27, 2009

A Horse Corpse in Compost

I was at a meeting on Thursday where 3 awesome things happened.

1. There’s this dude on the committee who I always listen to and can’t put together what its reminding me of. Finally figured out he sounds EXACTLY like John Wayne. Its really, really funny when he starts a sentence with “Well.” Especially when what he says after the "well" is very unwaynelike.

2. A couple of guys from Buildings and Grounds saw us meeting and knew who every member of the group was. (We were sitting outside.) So he turned the ONE sprinkler on that he knew would hit us.

3. I found out that if you put a dead horse in the landfill compost, in 30 days all that’s left is its femur. In 60 days its gone.

In other news it’s the last day of my 20s today.
20s,
You’ve been fucking awesome. Thanks for all the crazy stories and important lessons.. You can keep your heinous hangovers.
Thanx,
Swedish Skier

Friday, July 24, 2009

Friday Quotes

"Well, what fresh hell is this now?"

"Feeding infants vitamins is like buying pee. They might as well just pee money."
"Watch out. You're going to raise this kid to be some gangsta rapper who's going to rap about peeing money on girls."

"My four year old has a special name for her “private area” and somehow she decided it was called a “Tootie”. Being an avid watcher of Facts of Life, this disturbs me."

"On a scale of 1 to 10, that sucks."

"when I was little, I thought that mermaid vaginas were in their belly button."

"Great. Hope you're happy. You're kids will be living in beds of yogurt cups."


Audience Participation Quote

"That's the most ridiculous voicemail message I've ever heard. She said _________________. Who leaves that?"

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Married to the B version of T pain

Rob and I have been in rare form this evening. He went out and took the top off the '89 4Runner so we could take it 4 wheeling on our camping trip this weekend. I've knocked him over twice on the bed. I forgot how much fun that silly habit is. Makes me giggle every time. He's found a new favorite way to amuse himself. He's been singing "I'm on a boat" while karate chopping himself in the throat in order to sound like T Pain.

Never thought I'd be married to T Pain.
Or cheated on with a mermaid? Where's her vagina exactly?
Oh and Rob also told me that the cat's his soul mate when I asked him for ideas for another way to say "kindred spirits."

He's got flippy floppies for our trip though. Thank goodness.

Oh and I'm not 30 yet, but I will be soon. I'll post pics too.

Team Poetry

So I wrote this poem and emailed a version of it to Gina, Judith, and Lora
to play Team Poetry. The deal is:
One person sends out an offering of a poem. Everyone gets to love it, snip a piece here, take a tangental line there, edit away and post their own version. We all link up and post same day and time. I can't wait to check out everyone else's. I call mine


Scattered

Mother used to worry my sister's yellow satin ribbon between her thumb and forefinger
the pretty ribbons we'd worn that day
I always imagine the accident
its as real as a memory
as if I hadn't gotten in trouble
as if I hadn't been in time-out crying over lost ice cream
as if I were there with her
hovering above
the blue-gray paint and glass shards
met in such haste
and her yellow ribbon butterflies from the window
lingering in the air
for ages in the wake of
screeching steel
it floats down like a feather
in silence
she IS me
parallel
she makes all the right choices where mine were wrong
she works hard and becomes a dancer
or a scientist
as if she'd lived through the train

Years later
when I'd think about her
I had this absent minded habit
of picking up stray scissors
and matching them with scraps of paper
snip, snip, snip
and there'd be triangles of junk mail and bills scattered beneath me
geometrical shapes like the bits of safety glass
in her hair
the habbit died
or so I thought
my ex husband used to get so angry
when ancient thoughts surfaced
then were sliced away
But dead things are funny
reminders come when you least expect
and you look down between knobby knees and gym shorts
to see old habbits returned
now I'm the one scattered.
scattered me
pictures, movie stubs, birth certificates
mine and hers
mixed into the orange shag carpet
scraps on the counters
and even the bathroom sink
I should be mad
How long was my mind missing?
but I'm just enjoying
my bare feet walking on memories
squishing my toes through a 4th of July in 85
when the carpet was just as ugly
but all lit up
like his mom on her 50th birthday
bitch of a lush- that woman
Wouldn't it be grand
to just walk away?
take the snippets from between my toes
like thongs you leave behind on a beach

Friday, July 17, 2009

Friday Quotes!

"I'm no good at self control. If I want food, or sex, or alcohol there has to be a really good reason why I can't have those things. Or I'm having those things!"

"You cannot go from a tired, sad, introverted woman to a NUDIST! Who knew sunning her tits would make her happy!!?!"

"You two girls probly shouldn't hang out unsupervised anymore."

"Love you Karin... even though you should of stuffed a sock in my mouth to make me stop talking."

"That blue water really cleans my hands, but it sure tastes like shit!"

"I want to run for office. I wish I could."
"You'd be good at it."
"I cant because I work for the county. We're not allowed."
"I thought you were gonna say it was because of the felonies."

"fell off my bike and scraped most of the flesh off of the heals of my palms. can still type but holding a bar of soap is another story. Thank goodness for Rob"
"Fell off your bike and no bones broken...sounds like a win to me."
"Well done, friend. Try not to accidentally flay yourself anymore, I like you and I despise most people."
""fell" off your bike huh? I think it was more like Rob gave you the old "human 4-wheeler". I think you know me well enough to understand what this may be.
P.S. High five Rob for me."

Coworker: Do you smell paint?
GRRB: No.
Coworker: Why do I smell paint?
GRRB: Maybe you have a brain tumor.
Coworker: GINA!

"Ever tried lemon on your pimples? I tried it on a whim and I think it works. In other news, fuck you whomever said zits were for teens only"
"read 'Ever tried lemon on your nipples?tried it on a whim & think it works In other news, fuck U whomever said zits were for teens only.' and thought, what does lemon on your nipples do? Sounds exciting. Maybe I should put my glasses on."
"Could you please email this poem? Thanks in advance, citrus nipples."

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Wednesday's Weirdo: Our Parents

Last night I had a long talk with an old friend. Apparently her parents or more specifically her mother has gone through drastic changes recently. Her mother has struggled with health problems more than half this girl's life: weight & diabetes, both unregulated.

So I guess recently her mom went into the hospital and long story short, they discovered she did not have diabetes and was improperly medicated. As in she'd been taking Lithium for like 10 years too long and didn't have any issues which would require Lithium.

So her mom got properly medicated and since has gotten out of the recliner and started taking care of herself and doing all kinds of things. Her mom now shops at Old Navy where she can wear a size 8 and goes to baseball games regularly and on and on. Her mom has DRASTICALLY changed and for the better.

Now this is all well and wonderful even. But its weird for my friend. Cuz see for like half this girl's life, her mom has been an unhappy, unhealthy person. And my friend's been coming to grips with it/gotten used to it. And its weird when someone just up and changes.

ESPECIALLY YOUR PARENTS.

Parents,
You are never supposed to change. You do not turn 60. You don't suddenly change your lives and move to Italy or join a commune. You stay the same as you were when we were teenagers. Other people's parents' lives change. Not yours. You are still the first one to rise in my house and always read the paper in the morning and list the contents of the refrigerator to me and do all the parenty things you've always done.
thanx,
your grown children

I also experienced a drastic change in my parents recently. My parents split before I was in high school and had a tough time getting along. They didn't willfully put me in the middle of their divorce or do anything terrible to each other. But it was generally a guarantee Mom + Dad = Horribly Tense Room that No One Wants to Be In.

This has been going on more than half of my life. When all of a sudden, they rediscover and revive their friendship.

Um scuze me? You're not friends and see above letter to parents.

Making you this week's Wednesday's Weirdo: Our Parents

Ok fine, you can change for the better, just don't expect me to like it. Or at least accept that I'll be weirded out by any changes you make for a while.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Wrapped up in Iron

Remember the iron mask
stupid movie
didn't touch what I'm thinking
wrapping myself up in rock
first a layer of schist
its sparkle and lightness a sequined dress
after all its a ball I'm going to
have sliding down chutes in
the White River
national forest all around
the schist is pretty
and light
but I'd need a jacket of
iron to protect me
as I bounced my way down
the other rocks and fallen trees
get jealous all trapped in their spots
they throw a spiky elbow
up at passing fish
flay them right open
nourish the stream
so I'd need a helmet
but for my whole body
to ride all the way down
I'd get stuck swirling in a pool
blocked in by a branch and some flow
the sun would glint through the aspens
and off of my pink quartzite ruffles
I'd take in all the lessons the water
rushsssshhhhhhed
at me
all speaking at once, announcing the truths
eventually the water would find its way
through me
pulsing its advice to my core
I'd get splashed out
tossed aside
where my knowledge would sit
glittering its ideas to the earth
water's been everywhere you know
I think as I hike along a path
I love to think of hidden underground streams
that could be flowing yards beneath me
through a labyrinth of pathways
long ago forgot

Friday, July 10, 2009

Friday Quotes!

"You may be unusually energetic today because your key planet Venus received an unexpected wake-up call from electrifying Uranus."

"Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you've never met--all of a sudden you take pride in accomplishments you had no part in whatsoever... " -Doug Stanhope

"Drink that, DENVER!"

Quiz Results: You are 48% mean
"Is the junk yard dog losing her bite?"
"Weak!"
"F you Karin--your pretty face is going to HELL!"
"Yeah it is, I might have had to spit on a homeless person but I got 67%"

At the fireworks-
"Where would patriotism be without the Chinese?"

"The phrase 'I'm not racist but...' should just be replaced with 'I'm racist AND...'"

"12 million homeowners and investors will be "underwater"--owing more than their property is worth."
"I prefer up-side-down. Makes people sound like they've gone face first into the chimney."
"yes, haha! It's like Santa says your turn wiseass..."
"An underwater house should be more fun. There should be fish, mermaids & a castle. "
"I'd way rather an underwater house with mermaids and starfish than santa laughing at my ass hangin out the chimney. Now I can't wait for my house to go underwater!"

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

"Good Game!"

Rob has a habbit of sticking out his hand, palm up, all stealthy like right before I sit on the couch. He gits the best guilty grin about it, so pleased with himself. So yesterday, I grabbed his hand, sat on it on the couch, then got up and smacked myself on the butt (with his hand,) and said "Good Game!" before walking out of the house.

I told this story to a friend after an impromptu volleyball game and he told me he once applauded dramatically after his girlfriend completed a blowjob successfully. When I asked how that went over He said, "It was well received."

Wednesdays' Weirdo: 4th of July Trainwreck

I was just going to post this story but then I needed a Weirdo this week, so I decided to make this it.

There's this chiropractor girl we know and I've always found her a bit annoying but the 4th of July she was just an epic fail of a person.

She arrived wearing this ridiculous 80's outfit. Now, I'm not much for fashion or giving a shit about what people wear, but she clearly went to great length on this look so I'm going to judge it now.

She was wearing purple tight jeans, an 80's striped belly shirt, and a head band ala Willie Nelson although on her it looked more Robert Plant somehow. She was also wearing a fanny pack, which I'll give her she had a very practical explanation for so I'll leave that alone. Except, no I won't because it was white leather.

fannypack

Frost that look with some feather jewelry and tooth bling and you've got a LOOK.

Which brings me to the beginning of the failure. This twat went up to my friends' little girl, Tempest, who is FIVE, and tried to sell her a feather necklace for $20. This ended in Tempest crying about not having $20 for the pretty necklace.

To complete the outfit, she brought an accessory dog who I'll tell you: sucks. This dog was completely untrained and energetic. He wandered the party, kept tracking mud into the house, jumping up on people's chairs and trying to sit behind them, creeping into the kids' strollers, trying to steal food off the grill. At one point it raised a leg, and no shit, peed on our friend Paulie.

Continuing on the theme of suck- This 4th of July Trainwreck asks me if Rob and I have had a boy or a girl. To my credit, I did not punch her in the face or make any mention of how math clearly isn't her strong suit since I'd only be 5 months pregnant at this point.

We headed out to watch fireworks and this girl's dog of course has eaten through his leash so rather than leave it in a car or gas chamber, she brings it and of course proceeds to NOT watch it at all. The dog is all over the place, and I feel bad for it because mostly the dog is scared of the fireworks and just trying to crawl under your skin to feel safe from the fireworks. But he lifted his leg and PEED on a dude, so I'm not about to comfort him.

Finally, the fireworks over, the dog knocks over Tempest as her dad's helping her pee and change into her pajamas. Now, my friend Demian doesn't like dogs to begin with, but the dog has just jumped all over his two year old, and knocked over his urinating 5 year old.

The crowd suddenly quiets as Demian speaks up.

"Natalie, your dog sucks! Seriously, first it peed on Paulie, its interfering with Tempest peeing, he just jumped in the stroller with Mattias..." He takes a deep breath and concludes deadpan, "You should prolly just put him down. Really though, you might just want to start over."

Topping off this weeks' Wednesdays' Weirdo, 4th of July Trainwreck, with a nice addition a Say-it-like-it-is Hero!

I'm feeling a little bit bad about this post so for the record the real reason I don't like this girl is that I think she's a shitty friend to our friend Dean and she's kind of a mooch. She wants everyone to hook her up with free riding gear and lift tickets and places to stay but she can't give a 5 year old a feather necklace she made herself.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Friday Quotes!

"WAR! If I'll squish crunchy beetles for a plant, just think what I'd do to protect YOU!!Don't mess with a MOM! "

"Why's the Avon lady walk funny?"
"Because her lipsticks!"

"I hate sitting in the middle of a row at the movies or a baseball game, because I never know how to pass people when I get up or go sit down. Is it more polite to put your butt in their faces, or your crotchal?"

"I suspect my father just dumped a bag a live ducklings on the living room floor for the grandkids to chase down. This is exactly what happened last time we were here."

"Doc: You need an ultrsound today."
"Pat: But we already know I'm a boy!"

"Just asked the stupidest question ever: What was the movie where John Malcovich played himself?"

"If I've learned anything from porn, its that everyone's face gets distorted when they have a dick in their mouth. No amount of eye make up can distract from it either. Suck on that gem."

"I first read etymologist as entomologists and thought they ARE weird for studying bugs. Then I thought about enterologist and THAT'S pretty weird too. And for some reason the intestine docs make me think of otolaryngologist and the ENT docs bring me to ontologist ('cause it's shorter and easier to spell) who could be puzzled by the whole damn circuitous route to actually *getting* that you were ranting about the spelling of words. How about winds day? I'll quit before I end up on your blog as a weirdo. :)"

"Guys whose personal ad might suggest women actually fantasize about encountering a pantsless man in penny loafers and a mid-century beekeeping helmet, masturbating furiously in a public park as partially chewed crackers spill from the open beaks of completely mortified ducks."


Audience participation quote:

"If I need an orgasm, I can ____________________"

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Wednesdays' Weirdos: Etymologists

Wed-nes-day. What a stupid word. And Colonial. Also stupid.

Who decided to give in to these stupid spellings?
Blah, blah, blah French people. Blah, blah, blah people in the dark ages writing with charcoal in the dust with their little finger nubbins. Blah, blah, blah. Muthaspellas! This week's Wednesday's Weirdo: Etymologists.

Its Whensday and Kernal. And I might have to even change it to Whensdays' Weirdos.

Take that, you stupid word freaks.