"WAR! If I'll squish crunchy beetles for a plant, just think what I'd do to protect YOU!!Don't mess with a MOM! "
"Why's the Avon lady walk funny?"
"Because her lipsticks!"
"I hate sitting in the middle of a row at the movies or a baseball game, because I never know how to pass people when I get up or go sit down. Is it more polite to put your butt in their faces, or your crotchal?"
"I suspect my father just dumped a bag a live ducklings on the living room floor for the grandkids to chase down. This is exactly what happened last time we were here."
"Doc: You need an ultrsound today."
"Pat: But we already know I'm a boy!"
"Just asked the stupidest question ever: What was the movie where John Malcovich played himself?"
"If I've learned anything from porn, its that everyone's face gets distorted when they have a dick in their mouth. No amount of eye make up can distract from it either. Suck on that gem."
"I first read etymologist as entomologists and thought they ARE weird for studying bugs. Then I thought about enterologist and THAT'S pretty weird too. And for some reason the intestine docs make me think of otolaryngologist and the ENT docs bring me to ontologist ('cause it's shorter and easier to spell) who could be puzzled by the whole damn circuitous route to actually *getting* that you were ranting about the spelling of words. How about winds day? I'll quit before I end up on your blog as a weirdo. :)"
"Guys whose personal ad might suggest women actually fantasize about encountering a pantsless man in penny loafers and a mid-century beekeeping helmet, masturbating furiously in a public park as partially chewed crackers spill from the open beaks of completely mortified ducks."
Audience participation quote:
"If I need an orgasm, I can ____________________"