"Well, what fresh hell is this now?"
"Feeding infants vitamins is like buying pee. They might as well just pee money."
"Watch out. You're going to raise this kid to be some gangsta rapper who's going to rap about peeing money on girls."
"My four year old has a special name for her “private area” and somehow she decided it was called a “Tootie”. Being an avid watcher of Facts of Life, this disturbs me."
"On a scale of 1 to 10, that sucks."
"when I was little, I thought that mermaid vaginas were in their belly button."
"Great. Hope you're happy. You're kids will be living in beds of yogurt cups."
Audience Participation Quote
"That's the most ridiculous voicemail message I've ever heard. She said _________________. Who leaves that?"