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Thinking about trying again

I've been thinking about how I feel about having told everyone I was pregnant. When I think about it, I get this guilty awful feeling in my stomach. Like I'm an idiot for telling people before it was time. Like I lied about being pregnant. Like I'm a naughty little girl who bragged about something she didn't deserve and so its promise was taken away as some sort of lesson.

But I didn't do anything wrong. I WAS pregnant. I took care of myself and it didn't work out. It happens to a lot of people. I mean A LOT of people. Who also didn't do anything wrong. And shouldn't have to feel like they did. It shouldn't have to be some dirty secret or a hidden guilt.

Rob and I have been trying to buy a house and have put in offers, gone under contract, and had at least a half dozen prospects go south. I didn't feel like a tattle tale when I talked about those things before they actually happened.

I don't feel the need to lie about interviewing for and beginning a new job until after my probationary period is over.

But somehow this antiquated fear and shame creeps in when its about having babies. Rob and I are thinking of trying again. I'm happy about it. I didn't do anything wrong. I don't need to expect it to be a miserable punishment of a secret. I don't need to feel guilty about anything. Hopefully now that I've written it, I can make it true.

Because I'm ready to be happily trying. I still may not tell people right away the 2nd time. But neither will I hide it to assuage some superstition. I'm going to take it one step at a time. And let it feel good.
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Comments

  1. LoraJuly 30, 2009 at 7:12 AM

    I told people right away, and was glad I did when things went south in my 3rd month, right before the "acceptable" time of disclosure.

    I don't know what I would've done without the support those dicey couple of days.

    Support and love and all that squishy stuff is what we all need most through times like these. Both through trying, and that horrid first trimester, and for the rest of days. Motherhood is hard, from the very first time the idea crosses your mind.

    ReplyDelete
  2. meJuly 30, 2009 at 11:32 AM

    Read this.
    Re-read this.
    Read it again.
    I think you are smart and brave.
    And correct.
    Congrats for getting to this point.

    ReplyDelete
  3. JudithJuly 30, 2009 at 12:00 PM

    IMO it's good to share whenever YOU feel like it. Have fun trying! The rest of us will know when you're not drinking to excess and falling off bicycles. Or you can make up wild drinking stories and give us a hidden *wink*wink*.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ladybug CrossingJuly 31, 2009 at 8:14 PM

    You do what's best for you. Just know that we are here to support you in good times and bad.
    xo
    LBC

    ReplyDelete
  5. Ladybug CrossingJuly 31, 2009 at 8:14 PM

    You do what's best for you. Just know that we are here to support you in good times and bad.
    xo
    LBC

    ReplyDelete

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