I've been thinking about how I feel about having told everyone I was pregnant. When I think about it, I get this guilty awful feeling in my stomach. Like I'm an idiot for telling people before it was time. Like I lied about being pregnant. Like I'm a naughty little girl who bragged about something she didn't deserve and so its promise was taken away as some sort of lesson.
But I didn't do anything wrong. I WAS pregnant. I took care of myself and it didn't work out. It happens to a lot of people. I mean A LOT of people. Who also didn't do anything wrong. And shouldn't have to feel like they did. It shouldn't have to be some dirty secret or a hidden guilt.
Rob and I have been trying to buy a house and have put in offers, gone under contract, and had at least a half dozen prospects go south. I didn't feel like a tattle tale when I talked about those things before they actually happened.
I don't feel the need to lie about interviewing for and beginning a new job until after my probationary period is over.
But somehow this antiquated fear and shame creeps in when its about having babies. Rob and I are thinking of trying again. I'm happy about it. I didn't do anything wrong. I don't need to expect it to be a miserable punishment of a secret. I don't need to feel guilty about anything. Hopefully now that I've written it, I can make it true.
Because I'm ready to be happily trying. I still may not tell people right away the 2nd time. But neither will I hide it to assuage some superstition. I'm going to take it one step at a time. And let it feel good.
I quit. Sort of.
2 days ago