Wrap your head with this material...

Someone was selling a Love Sac on Craigslist.  Just makes me laugh.  Love sac, yeah, yea.  I'm heading down, the atlanta highway... lookin for a love getaway!  Headed for lu-uv getaway!  Well the Love Sac is a little ole place where... I almost emailed to ask if it was hairy.  Huh, huh.  I put my hairy Love Sac on Craigslist.

The true winners today are the velociraptors. Maybe that's what happened to the dinosaurs: there was a velocirapture. It'd be sweet if there was a gangstarapture. That'd be a good party tonight. Way better than the saranrapture. Quick, somebody make a joke about Christmaswrapture. Clerk: Would you like that gift wraptured? I don't give a crapture. Its got to be at least 50% off gift wrapture paper today. Wish I were a director so I could say "That's a wrapture!" ... and scene.

I was having this beautiful moment with Magnus last night. I was rocking him to sleep, humming in his ear, and periodically kissing the fuzzy hairs that rub my chin when he relaxes against my chest. It was one of those moments that made me go "this is why people do this. its all worth it." The stitches, the new stitches, the stretch marks, the crying, the never sleeping all night again...all worth it. Then I realized what I was humming was this: Even when life is beautifully touching, its funny too. P.S. I love being a mommy and humming and talking gibberish and making faces and singing off key and dancing it out in the living room. Its rad. Hope you're rad today too.

I think my kid has already learned to objectify women's boobs. Seriously. I bent over to put the pacifier back in his mouth for the thousandth time and I saw that look in his eyes. Ladies, you knwo the one. I'm pretty sure he looked straight at the boobs and his eyes glazed over and it was like seeing the future. In grosser baby news, I picked his nose this morning and holy shit! It was the biggest booger. Like, grown person sized. He must've been constructing that thing since birth. He seemed none too pleased that I removed his masterpiece either. And this is confirmation that I have become a mom. I pick noses. Other people's. And blog about it. Wow. What is this blog coming to?

Know that scene where the Grinch's heart grows 3 times its size? That's what my belly did this month. Its obscene. My mom took one look at me and said she wasn't this big when she had my brother. Which is frightening since I'm not due until 9/9. Come to think of it, the grinch has a decidedly round belly. Wonder if that's what made his heart grow? Having to pump a shit-ton of blood to something taking over his abdomen. Oh well, at least I'm enjoying mine. Mine moves. My dad felt it today. Happy Father's Day!

Last night my husband decided it would be funny to call me a snuggle whore. I was all, "Did you just call me a whore?" And he was like "A snuggle whore." "So, you're seriously calling your 6 month pregnant wife a whore?" Then he looked even more pleased with himself and has now decided to call me a "pregnant, snuggle whore." Speaking of whores, when I was a kid they were everywhere. Gypsy whores specifically. I don't know where my mother and grandmother's obsession with gypsy whores came from, but it was the reason to tone down your fashion a lot. As in, you can't wear dangly earrings (my favorite to this day) because those are for Gypsy whores. As in, little girls shouldn't have red nailish polish because they'll look like Gypsy whores. As in, red and pink or red and purple don't match and if you wear that outfit you'll look like a gypsy whore. As in, Gypsy whore bath, which is where you take a bird bath in the s...

I was in a meeting this morning and got sidetracked and told the director of Social Services that I'm creeped out by body builders. (sorry if you're a body builder, but you're orange and greasy and I just don't get it.) Then I side tracked myself further by saying that I'm creeped out, BUT I would really like to do a pull up on one of their arms. You know while they've got it all flexed in the air? My coworker pointed out that it would be slippery because of all the baby oil and I told her "That's part of the challenge, Wendy." I'm totally getting promoted. Except now when I searched for pictures of bodybuilders to add some sparkle to this lurvely post, I picked this picture. Which totally made me remember that there are black bodybuilders too who could not possibly be made orange and now I'm racist. Shit. I'm sorry to black bodybuilders everywhere. You are not as creepy as white bodybuilders which is still probably racist but ...

I'm reading all these books on pregnancy and babies and I have to say the writing is just awful. Half of them spend so much time telling you what they're going to tell you and why they're going to tell you that I'm ready to shake them by the throat and say "Spit that shit out, already!!!" So my skimming skills are in use to say the least. This morning I read a couple hundred pages (see skimming) of a book on the Bradley method, a natural childbirth method. I might add, that I have not found the Bradley method yet. So far its just info on getting pregnant and the structure of the body. Which is where I get into the terms they use. They call it the "vaginal barrel." They have a diagram of 2 different "vaginal barrels." One is engorged (excited about welcoming a certain type of guest.) The other is regular styles. I think the engorged one should be referred to as a "vaginal barrel of monkeys." It also mentions that if there...

I'm reposting this because Lora at Fever wrote about smelly lotions a while back in a post, and then a day later my boss gave us all decorative money clips (because social workers have lots of money) and honeydewmellonball and sugarplum fairy handsoap (because all that money we have is dirty.) THEN, at a Sustainability Task Force meeting (which is where a bunch of us from different departments all over the county government get together to try and get us to a zero waste organization,) we got off on a side conversation about feeding wildlife. I was so stunned. I mean, who doesn't know not to feed wildlife? Apparently, one woman showed up to do a home inspection, only to find bag upon bag of dog food in the garage. She asked the homeowners about their dogs, to which they looked confused and then explained that they leave the food out for the foxes and coyotes. Don't worry, I'm sure the bears know its not for them. Jesus, idiots. There were tons of stories like this. So w...

My pelvis is instable. Doesn't that make it sound like it has a mood disorder? Like I might hip check you one day and hump you the next? That's not what it means. I'm having problems with my SI joint. Thank god. Because I thought it was going to be a disc thing. And my brother had a disc thing that resulted in 3 surgeries and a significant hospital stay. I'll take my bitchy girdle (pelvic girdle that is.) So yesterday I started physical therapy. I told the PT about how if I do a Kegel, I can pop my lower back. Fucked up right? Sounds like I have an unstable and tempestuous pelvis. Like it can roar. She actually said its not all that uncommon. So there's apparently a bunch of roaring, snapping, moody lady hips out there. Be aware. So later in the appointment she's going over the exercises she wants me to do to help keep my hips aligned (one hip was an inch and a half higher than the other until she yanked it into place.) She's explaining how I need to tighten...

So I was talking to my father-in-law the other morning over breakfast about the insane level of rednecks living in his area. Aside from a love of burning things in his yard, he's very NOT rednecky. Anyway, we were talking about the "these colors DO NOT RUN!" and "Palin" and other eagle/flag related stickers that are more prevalent than liquor stores in the ghetto when he told me about the newest in Redneck Halloween trends. Pumpkin throwing. You can just throw regular, or shot put style or OR you can use the catapult. Yup, I said catapult. First reaction: AWESOME. I want to do this. How fun would it be to catapult a pumpkin and watch it smash against a target or a building or a truck with a fucking Palin/Eagle decal on the back window! Second reaction: There are people starving in the world and we THROW. OUR. FOOD. In your face, starving children! *hang head* That said, I'd want a slingshot. But not like this guy. He seems like if he lets go, he'll be e...

So at the bar the other night in St. Louis (I'm visiting my wonderful old friends and family,) we're talking. PPP is talking about how much she loves some new $750,000 microscope and says she loves it more than her daughter and while she starts to explain why I pop her on the top of the head. It makes a really loud noise. And the guy who owns the bar and is PPP's friend's jaw drops. (He's never met me before and I like to make an *impression*) I apologize to a laughing PPP, and he says "No I think that's exactly the strength of hit that comment warranted." "Yeah, I know just how hard you're supposed to hit. I work for Social Services." Like I said, I like to make and *impression*

This was in my fortune cookie last night: "You will win success in whatever you adopt." At first I thought it translated to: "Online translators give poor, literal translations." But now I know my destiny is to adopt a gorilla named Humphrey and that one day I will teach Humphrey to play "Man, Gun, Gorilla" (like rock paper scissors but physical. You stand back to back, count to three and turn around holding up your arms for gorilla, making a gun for duh, gun, and standing with your arms down for man. Gorilla kills man, man holds the gun, gun shoots the gorilla.) And I will win at this game because Humphrey will have to be the gorilla every time. Booo, ah ah ah!!!! Do not be confused, Humphrey, by the gorilla holding the gun. It is a ruse, like paper beating rock (which has always been illogical and stupid, unlike Man, Gun, Gorilla.) Sorry about your name, Humphrey. I tried to name you Hosiah, but Rob didn't like it. Blame him.

You ever realize you just have a different perspective than other people? I was talking to Rob last night about my annoyance with my foot. (I just had a minor foot surgery that has made walking a right pain in the ass.) We'd been running errands in order to attempt to put up shelving in our living room and Target had been particularly grueling. Target is huge, especially so when you limp. I was passed on the way out by an ancient, white-haired woman with a cane. I'm not even making this up. She was all bent over and under 5 feet and everything. AND PASSED ME! Sometimes I cheer myself up mid-bitch. So as I was complaining, I started problem solving. "I think it'd be easier to bike than walk right now. I bet I could do it. Ooooh, maybe I could get a little tricycle and carry it around at work and everywhere and wouldn't that be fun?!" My husband just gave me a look and made some comment about how only I would think of using a tricycle for transportati...

I think I've hit my sexual peak. Know how I know? Cuz while watching Eddie Murphy's Delirious for the first time in like 20 years, I practically licked the screen. What the hell? In case you've forgotten Delirious, its standup with Eddie Murphy from 1983 . This is what he's wearing Tight. Red. Leather. Gross, right? I thought so too. At a minimum, its tacky and silly and should NOT make any straight woman my age think of sex. Then he turned around and I totally wanted to maow on his butt. Did I mention he's 22 in this video? Not only am I gross, but I'm also a perv aparently. And that's how you know: Sexual Peak. Welcome to 30. P.S. You should netflix it if you haven't seen Delirious in a while, cuz its funny. Really, really.

You ever fuck up while driving and wish you had a "sorry dude" horn. I know what it would sound like. It'd say "wah, wah, waaaaaaaaaah" And if you crashed it would do the 'wah, wah, waaaaaaaaaah" thing and then say "Game Over" across your dash board. I had a lot of time to think today. We hiked up a mountain only to get slightly ditched by our homies who had to go to work and two of us took turns carrying a Husky over our shoulders down the mountain. I'd have stolen that horn out of someone's car if they'd had it. Cuz it really kinda summed up the day. Did I mention the dog was wet? And dirty? And that a beer exploded in my backpack so I had beer dripping down my back? On the plus side, the hike looked like this: Ahhhh, sunshine. This is Teshen, the sweet tired dog. We caught a ride back pretty easily with a series of nice folks. Oh, and I got to glissade (its like how you barefoot waterski, only its sliding down a pitch...

Rob and I have been in rare form this evening. He went out and took the top off the '89 4Runner so we could take it 4 wheeling on our camping trip this weekend. I've knocked him over twice on the bed. I forgot how much fun that silly habit is. Makes me giggle every time. He's found a new favorite way to amuse himself. He's been singing " I'm on a boat " while karate chopping himself in the throat in order to sound like T Pain. Never thought I'd be married to T Pain. Or cheated on with a mermaid? Where's her vagina exactly? Oh and Rob also told me that the cat's his soul mate when I asked him for ideas for another way to say "kindred spirits." He's got flippy floppies for our trip though. Thank goodness. Oh and I'm not 30 yet, but I will be soon. I'll post pics too.

Rob has a habbit of sticking out his hand, palm up, all stealthy like right before I sit on the couch. He gits the best guilty grin about it, so pleased with himself. So yesterday, I grabbed his hand, sat on it on the couch, then got up and smacked myself on the butt (with his hand,) and said "Good Game!" before walking out of the house. I told this story to a friend after an impromptu volleyball game and he told me he once applauded dramatically after his girlfriend completed a blowjob successfully. When I asked how that went over He said, "It was well received."

Karin and Rob were got worried and decided to call in a professional. Or the closest thing they knew to a professional which was Rob's brother, Tom, wait-listed police academy comedian. He was convinced that these were what initially had scared me off: Escalante is afraid of NO Chi chis! Attached or on de counters! For some reason this led Tom to a diner. No joke. Where he though this might have scared me: But it only scared Karin's appetite Tom decided to run some interviews: He asked Mr. Twain a great many serious questions. And got a great many answers. Some were secrets for Tom Some were secrets for Mark With these leads, Tom lead the crew to the culprit. Sergei, AKA Arnold the Armored Armadillo. He had found me at my lowest point and had used my vices to keep me captive. But no fear, Tom, the comedian awaiting training, stood strong. Confident in his weapon. Not his crotch, perv, the slingshot. Si, I know Tom was not well matched for the evils of Russian gun fight...

If yous been wondering, I am hiding. Shhhh.... Rob and Karin took me to Utah and as I got closer to my home, I became very homesick. I missed my wives and my prophet. But then those bendejos turned north and I never got to visit my families. I sought comfort in food But that got me in trouble. Banished, I turned away from the path of righteousness and meat. I drank and sponsored others' as well. The path became unclear and before I knew it, I saw death in every corner. But especially in the upper right hand corner. I found out what it felt like to be upside down in your mortgage... I did things I'm not proud of That was when I decided it was time to go into hiding. To search out the path of righteousness and meat again. To be continued...