Wrap your head with this material...

STOP FUCKING SPAMMING ME! Ok, I'm sorry. I know spammers don't know how to read. I know that CAPTCHA is close to being as annoying as spam. But I'm enabling it again on comments for at least a brief time in order to stop reading Chinese characters in my inbox and then trying to find it in the actual post and delete. Grrrrrr. In other news, I just finished reading the book Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex and have to tell you: fascinating. There's info on a study of spinal cord injured patients and their orgasms... yeah, they can have orgasms. There's also a study of rats wearing polyester pants to see what it does to their sex experience (wear cotton- just friendly advice.) Every page has something that makes my eyes pop. So yeah, sorry again about the comments change. Please comment anyway. Or don't. Whatever. I appreciate readers either way.

Last night my yoga class was done entirely blindfolded. Which would've been a lot cooler if I hadn't been surrounded by dudes, one of whom had super stinky feet. Guess what sense of mine is heightened when I'm blindfolded. Which is also why when we did the "wind eliminator" posture pictured above, I felt justified lettin it all go and hoping his was heightened as well.

I was just going to post this story but then I needed a Weirdo this week, so I decided to make this it. There's this chiropractor girl we know and I've always found her a bit annoying but the 4th of July she was just an epic fail of a person. She arrived wearing this ridiculous 80's outfit. Now, I'm not much for fashion or giving a shit about what people wear, but she clearly went to great length on this look so I'm going to judge it now. She was wearing purple tight jeans, an 80's striped belly shirt, and a head band ala Willie Nelson although on her it looked more Robert Plant somehow. She was also wearing a fanny pack, which I'll give her she had a very practical explanation for so I'll leave that alone. Except, no I won't because it was white leather. Frost that look with some feather jewelry and tooth bling and you've got a LOOK. Which brings me to the beginning of the failure. This twat went up to my friends' little girl, Tempest...

I think the phrase "We're pregnant" is among the most ridiculous and irritating phrases. WE aren't anything. The man does not have to abstain from drinking, does not have to sleep 90 hours a week, does not purchase all new clothes that resemble tents, does not put cocoa butter anywhere on his body, nor does he GIVE BIRTH! Its simple grammar: I swim. He swims. We swim. I ski. He skis. We ski. I'm pregnant. He is pregnant. We're pregnant. Annoying. Yuppies. Yipeee! Wait a second... He cannot be pregnant. Therefore, WE cannot be pregnant. I am pregnant. I have the gas, the swelling breasts, the weight gain, the sleepiness, the expanding uterus and the impending birth. "We're pregnant" is some caring and sharing, touchy feelie bullshit. Its akin to "we're in a bad mood today aren't we?" Well fuck you, yes I am.

Why yes, yes he did. Muskrat sent me the following rules, which I will likely disregard 1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me." 2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions. 3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions. 4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post. 5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions. Then, he sent me the following questions which I may or may not answer as I see fit to make up or avoid cuz its my blog and I'll lie if I want to. Its called "creative license," look it up. 1) Where do you find your Friday quotes? Real life, blogs, both? In Sweden, live little men called Tomtes, (pronounced tom-tahs,) They have beets for ears and live exclusively by hunting mushrooms. They are fueled by a vicious hatred of being confused with yard gnomes and therefore travel all their days, murdering and behead...

Women's Restrooms nearly always have these signs. Which immediately make me want to dump tampons, applicators, coffee mugs, matchbox cars, rubber tree leaves, plastic tree ornaments, lawn decorations, EVERYTHING I can find into the fucking toilet and flush. Something about the ignorance of these signs brings out the oppositional asshole in me. Seriously, you need to put a SIGN up to tell someone not to put a DIAPER in the toilet? If you need a fucking sign for that, do you know how to read?

Fuck the real world. I smite you. Fuck the cat walking on the center of my boob in the middle of the night. Fuck political ads and their bullshit dramatic, breathy voices. Fuck pro and anti ballot initiative ads that have NO actual useful information in them. Stop wasting money you fucks! Fuck gray afternoons that result in NO snow for my ski season. That's right I just called it MY ski season. Fuck not being able to check my email at work Fuck drug testing Fuck drug addicts Fuck the lumping of all drugs, all drug users, and all drug addicts into one horrible scary evil category. Fuck periods. Fuck parents that hit their kids. Fuck even harder, the fact that some of them don't hit them hard enough to allow us to help. What kinda fucked up...grrrr Fuck turn signals, just cuz. Fuck Sarah Palin, in a very uncomfortable place. Fuck Main Street Dickslap Wallstreet Fuck socialism for the rich and capitalism for everyone else. Fuck anyone who thought privatizing social security wa...