Goodreads

Karin Mitchell's books on Goodreads
Between Families Between Families
reviews: 5
ratings: 8 (avg rating 4.75)

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Where'd the monkeys in my hair go?

I promise I will post Wednesdays' Weirdos again next week, but the pictures for this week got trapped on my camera with a dead battery. Sorry. I suck.

Instead I'll tell you a drinking story.

We were in St. Louis visiting for the holidays and a rare opportunity to get annihilated with my girlfriends presented itself.

I started out with two beers while I was waiting for the girls with Rob's friends. Then, when we got to the fancy-pants bar I switched to whiskey on the rocks.

I'm at sea level so I think I can drink like a champ. Hmmm.

After about three of these and I-don't-remember-how-many shots, I switched back to beer. Damn, I'm bright.

At some point in the evening I realize that we're in a bar that used to be my favorite bar in the whole world. It was called Tangerine then. They had Go Go dancers on the bar and let you climb on it and had hand shaped chairs so your butt got held. They had trucker night where you got your drinks in mugs. They had a night where you could play horseshoes with toilet seats in the street tournament style. They gave you martinis with plastic monkeys in the drinks. It was a delightful place to spend my teens.

I realize this and immediately begin telling a guy on crutches how sad it is that you can't climb on the bar anymore.

He does not feel sorry for me. I notice why and convince him that I will teach him to ski.

Then I decide I must tell everyone in the bar, including people I went to high school with but who never spoke to me then, (they were smart and have gotten too nice in their old age,) all about the wonders that used to be Tangerine.

I think I'm saying, "This used to be my favorite bar. They had Go Go dancers on the bar and let you on it. They had trucker night where you got your drinks in mugs. They had a night where you could play horseshoes with toilet seats in the street tournament style. They gave you martinis with plastic monkeys in the drinks."

What I really said was, "they won't letmeonthebar. ash-0les. Could climb? Where monkeys? My hair had monkeys. You're so nice. I always think younice. I setyou up. Single? horshoes and toilet seats. Skiing's my favorite."

I got a friend request from one of them. I can't believe it. He really is a nice guy and always was, I was just really shy in high school. Weird, I know.

At some point, we left. I remember no valet, but apparently there was one. I could've exposed myself, or punched him in the nose, or promised him my first born and I'd have no idea.

I had established the goal before the whiskey, much like the cart before the horse thingy, never a good idea. I'd decided we should go to Uncle Bill's for breakfast by 4 or so a.m.

I'm spoiled by no smoking anywhere in doors in Colorado and this is a midwest breakfast place that's open 24/7 so its ventilated with extra smoke just to help keep nicotine levels high for folks. I wanted to vomit the whole time. It was rough.

So at some point I established an excuse to go to the car. Don't worry, I did not drive.

My excuse, which turned out to be true, was that I couldn't figure out what I'd done with my phone. Let me be more specific, my work phone. Realizing this would be bad, I went to check if it might be in the car.

I get to the parking lot. I look around. I realize I do not remember arriving. I realize I don't know what the car looks like. I am determined not to go back inside yet. Somehow there's some weird sense of pride in there.

Sooooo, I begin peering into windows, car after car, hoping the inside of one will look familiar.

Eventually one does.

I have keys in my hands.

I look at the keys.

I look at the door.

There is no slot for the key in the door that I see. There is no remote on the keys that I can operate. I pout and eye the ground thinking it looks like a good place to take a nap. But the car would be better.

I look at the keys.

I look at the car.

I think for a while.

No idea.

I walk back into Uncle Bills, set the keys in front of Christine, and say "I can't do it," and put my head down on the table.

Sometime later she takes pity on me and brings me to where Rob's staying and I pass out on the couch holding his hand.

I can't believe these people still talk to me.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Airport Impulses

Most of my airport impulses are mildly violent. Things like tipping over peoples' baggage while they're standing too close to me, or nudging them into the railing of the moving sidewalk as they speed along, or wanting to whack the flight attendant with my purse when she tells me it isn't far enough under the seat in front of me.

But sometimes I have silly impulses too.

I was in the bathroom and overheard this woman talking with her family. A younger relative was asking why she wasn't going to the bathroom.

"I have to stand here with our suitcases. You go ahead." came her response.

My Impulse

caped villain

*swinging door open in one swoop and covering my face with a cape*
"I'll watch your luggage!"
Booo-ah-ah-ah

Thank goodness for impulse control. For those who didn't realize I have any, I do. Ha.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Friday Quotes! Best of 2008 Part I

"When I got my DUI, there was a guy in my trunk. And my license was in the trunk too."

"Okay, so I got the pregnancy test and the vodka. We'll see which one wins."

"You want some of my snowcone?... its ridin' dirty..."

"I am French. I drink peeeeeee. I eat babies."

“You mean I just put my mouth on your cockpump?”

“You got egg nog on my nutmeg. I’m not sure what it means, but I want it to mean something. It should mean something dirty.”

"I wish it were a lamp that would glow electric sex in my front window, so that the crackwhore who walks around our neighborhood with her little 12-year-old kid who insists he’s collecting money for the “school basketball team” would see something besides the other end of my double barreled shotgun when she comes a knockin’ at 11pm tonight."


"You know what? Sometimes you've got to catch a few venereal diseases to find true love. "

(tosses pistachio into tumbler of whiskey) "Ha! I might get whiskey dick, but now you've got whiskey nut!"

"You and your sad broccoli can kiss my ass."

"Is it enough?"
"It'll have to be enough."
"I don't need your disaster movie ultimatums."

"How much sex do you have to have to have a queefing problem?"

"I love that you used the word Fiduciary."
"We're not going to use that word in this organization though right."
"We could have an accountant and call the person the fidouchebag."

"I don't want to hear about anything that makes me think about men's assholes. Especially anything that makes me think about them flapping in the wind. Seriously, if they're making that whheeeewwwwwww noise, yech."

"Just cuz you can do the robot to it, does not make it a good song."

"I've been arrested tons of times and I've never had a bad experience."

"You know who is a real maverick? A cat who can flush a toilet. That's loaded w/ maverickness."

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Shhhhh

I can't sleep
My mind won't
Sshhhhhh...
It flits
from problem to solution
thoughts' corpses pile up
ideas dismissed
and dead
to-do lists and inspirations alike
layered,
litter
the same
p
i
l
e
.
Some flicker so shortly
they're hardly formed
before miscarried away.
The best poems' lines
d r i f t by
in invisible ink.
They float off to dreams
to die,
beautiful thoughts stolen away.
The night nabs it all
Takes my broken to-do list
and why do I not shake its hand?
when I wake to a blank day,
why am I not grateful
when the clock crows
"Merry Christmas"
and the phone rings
says "I fixed your list!
It just needed some fleshing out
and more time."

Instead, I
stuff the pillow over my head
and look for the snooze button.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Happy Skiing

Yeah Presents!!!

Merry Playing

for blog 132

Why yes, yes I am a fantastic wife.


Feliz Navidad

for blog 115


AND HAPPY SKIING!!

for blog 136
(Aren't those the baddest ass, most sexiest skis you've ever SEEN!!!!)

Look how bad they want to be on my feet.

for blog 141

Yes, I am a snowtard.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Why I shouldn't go to state-run trainings

I'm just getting back from Adult Protection Services training. I do not have the attention span to sit still for more than about 8 minutes, unless I am reading a novel, playing the piano (wait that's not still,) or writing (also not sitting still.) Ok, so I can read, but that's it.

Instead I made pipe cleaner imaginary animals with the lady sitting next to me and thought of names for them.

This is Bjorn.

for blog 122

This is Romulus, his trusty steed.

for blog 123

Sadly, Bjorn's head was too big and heavy for him to ride Romulus.

So we made him Steve.

for blog 126

Steve is strong for his frame and has wings.



I tuned back in for a minute while we were discussion what to do with Mr. Smith. Mr. Smith is losing his appetite and is also losing weight as a result. His wife passed away 5 years ago and his social life has suffered. We were to come up with services.

"Our group wanted to get him meals on wheels."
"Maybe you could get him one meal a day at the senior center."
"But what if he doesn't want to go?"
Me- "I heard Ms. Johnson's a floozy."

What? It might get him there.

Note on the counter

There was a wind storm that knocked a 40 foot tree into our deck, taking down parts of the deck and gutters. It also took out the tomato plant we'd nursed through many summer frostings, carefully bringing it in at night, damnit. But that's beside the point. To do the work on our place, this guy, Rusty, borrowed our key.

Then he lost it.

He was sure he'd put it back, but hadn't. Then a couple of weeks after talking with our neighbor Tom about it, this note appeared on our counter along with our key.

Note from Rusty
(Here you go Rob, (and Mrs. Rob) It's just your key, but it looks like a present.)

It felt a little like a present too. It was way more exciting that just picking up our key from under the mat.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Poo Particles

When I was around 6, my cousin told me that whenever you smell something, it's tiny particles of that thing floating into your nostrils. So when you smell poop, or even farts, its actually poo particles floating into your nose.

I was pooping on the toilet at the time.

First I plugged my nose.
But then I was breathing through my mouth.
Ahhhh!!!! Shit in my mouth!!!!
I closed my mouth.
I tried to hold my breath.
Turning blue, I lifted my nightgown to cover my mouth and nose and breath.
I panted a little.


Then she said the particles are so small they can get through your nightgown.

So then for about 10 years I tried to hold my breath every time while going for a world's record in fastest crapper so it wouldn't get in my nose or my mouth.

Heaven forbid, she bring up this minutia while we're baking brownies. Twat.

Vibrant Yellow Ruffles

Fermented fallacies in vibrant yellows
a girl in pretty ruffles
barely chirps

a songbird caught in mechanical cogs
turns to squawking, words lost

songs/languages,
dyed and tinted
Verbs full of hues
a deaf ear rues

A linguist's careful calculations
pour volcanic lava explanations
geologist's calcitration

And somehow the seeds all die
and the notes have spoken
"Resurrect the warbler"
but the song's a lie.

Friday Quotes

"If I ran Disney World I’d make all the restaurants fill their hamburgers with glitter so later you’d actually poop glitter and it would be a magical surprise."

"You look funny with a beard cuz you're a lady."
"Maybe I could work for the circus. Or better yet, I could be Mrs. Santa's bearded sister."

"The next morning I groaned, “I feel like I stuffed a trash can up my vagina.""

"As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission."

"Maybe god put all the feces in their house."

"Vision! What do you know about my vision? My vision would turn you upside down, tear assunder your illusions and send the sanctuary of your own vision crashing down around you. Now ask yourself, do you really want that?"

"But it was Boooorrriiinng. You just blah blah, gay sex, blah blah congress. You know you gotta be, you know, interesting."

"I'm comin' for that ass, santa!"
..."Santa says the f-word!"

"So our first fight was because you thought I was a mean buttfucker?"

"I don't know anything about your father, or about psychics."
"Its like science, you don't have to understand it, you just have to believe it."

Linnea Quote (2 yr old niece)
"There's something in your ear. I think its a school bus."

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Wednesdays' Weirdos: Excessive Lawn Ornament Landscaper

When I was in Denver last for training I went for a run and past by a house that defies description. There were so many lawn ornaments that I had to stop and stare. I came up with a whole elaborate scheme to go back and take multiple pictures.

"I'm an exchange student and I've never seen decorations in the garden before. Where did you buy these?"

click, click

nativity

Unfortunately, I got too busy to make it back. I can tell you there was a large glowing nativity scene, a deer, and lining the driveway were hens, ducks, and other plastic lawn birds. There was little space on the lawn between over-sized, crappy figurines to allow anything to grow, making them this week's Wednsdays' Weirdo: Excessive Lawn Ornament Landscaper.

lawn decorations

Sadly, no water features.

Yet.


Know a weirdo near you story. Please share. Guest postings welcome. Email me at swedishskier@gmail.com

Friday, December 12, 2008

Friday Quotes!

Friday Quotes!The best I've heard, seen, read, uttered, or overheard.
"My brother peed in my mother's fireplace. The electric one."

"Oil? What kind of oil? Cockoil? I think we might have some cockoil in the house"

"You know what? When I went to put my ski boots on this morning I found condoms in there. I thought it was snow."

"Its like I hold all the cold deep in the tissues of my butt and only let it out if I absolutely have to."

"people get their panties in a bunch because you may have possibly called God an imaginary friend for adults under you breath at their baby’s Christening."

On church sign: "Staying in bed shouting, 'oh god' does not constitute going to church."

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Mufflers on my Drum Heads

Last night as we were getting ready for bed, Rob came in beating his chest. He was clearly feeling very manly.

"Listen to this. No listen to this." bangs on chest, "They're like drum heads."

Drums

I stick out my chin, try to make my neck disappear, and beat on my chest too.

"You're drum heads have mufflers on them."

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Annual Kwanza Day Celebration Letter

I think as far as Christmas traditions go, the most worthless and annoying is Christmas cards. There are many reasons for this.

1. Sending cards in the midst of the holidays, which is an already busy, over-stressed bullshit time of year, is an organizational, planning nightmare. The picture, the letter writing, the addressing, stamping, trip to post office... blech.

2. The pissing contest nature of such letters. "After a rigorous selection process Stan is now the head of brain surgery at the hospital. Our daughter, Seraph enrolled at Harvard this fall, you pesky worker-bees and now you have to read about it. Ha! In ya face!" If you write a braggart letter like this, just so you know, your readers want to ass fuck you with a thorny splinter.

3. Multicultural and other considerations. "I need to send a letter to Aunt Jude, but didn't her last letter say her husband died? Ok, so need to remember to take him off the list. Wait, or was that her father that died. I don't want to leave the husband's name off if he's still alive but, but... Oh and Mira got offended last year because she's a Judist Priest Johova and doesn't want to receive love any time of the year, well at least not outwardly so I have to send a 'thinking of you' card." No one can keep up.

In honor of these reasons, I propose a solution. We cooperatively write a Holiday Letter. I'll start it and ask for feed back add ins etc. I will post the final copy on the blog.

The Faux Family:
An Annual Kwanza Day Celebration Letter

Dear Friends and Foes,

So its that time of year again and we thought for the first time this year, we'd send an update letter.

Harry is doing well now that he's out of the institution. He's reintegrating into society pretty nicely. He refuses to wear his underwear, UNDER his clothes but has stopped spraying bug spray by the cologne counters in department stores to "keep the fairies away." We're working on getting him a job folding towels for a local cleaner.

Our oldest daughter Sarah is 17 now. We finally got her on birth control after the Emo Pregnancy Scare of 2008. We told her the piercings would have to come out if she was to give birth so she agreed to the pill.

My debt continues to spiral out of control. After my failed business attempts of...

... TO BE CONTINUED...

So please, post ideas or email them to me at swedishskier@gmail.com

The Week in Review

On Wednesday morning I went running. I was running in a new place which always makes my awareness a bit heightened: cars, strange folks, trouble to make. By 7:00, the number of warming up, running cars had quadrupled and I could hardly control the urge to move the cars. Not steal, just change their spots.

Here's my vision: The whole of suburbia stepping out in their pea coats and briefcases to meet their commute, only wait a second...
"I could have sworn I started the car in the driveway. I'm going crazy. Well that's odd. Cuz now its at the end of the driveway. Why would I park at the end of the driveway? I must be going crazy."
"Good morning Dr. Klein!"
Dr. Klein is scratching her head looking at her Accord parked in front of Mr. Miller's.

It'd be like that annoying "little boxes" intro to Weeds, only askew and confused. Ha! I'd love it.
I'd just felt my impulse control wane and was peering into a Sentra, thinking of pulling it forward a half a car length when the driver laid on the horn. Scared the shit out of me. It put my impulse control back in check though.


Friday night I got drunk at happy hour with a former coworker and so showed up to my sister-in-law's 40th birthday party wasted. Strong start.

No one paid much attention though and we were off making chit chat. I was swapping stories with a friend of my sister-in-law's about trying to get a cab in Denver. (I have a nasty habit of getting "done" with an evening of drinking. And when I'm "done" I just leave. I don't say goodbye or remember to tell the people I came with or anything, I just leave.)

One night I'd gotten to my "done" point and called a cab only to have a pair of making-out lesbians steal it from me. The cab pulls up, I'm waving at it, they're waving at it, and they get in before me. Instead of a normal reaction of disappointment, (remember I'm at my "done" point,) I open the door and pull one of their shoulders back to stop the kissing and ask where they live and if I can share the cab. They did not react well. At this point in the story I'm loud and emphatic when I say, "I was pissed, my cab got stolen by lesbians. Twatlickers."

On this line, in walks my sister-in-law's sister: a lesbian.

Awesome.

I like this woman. I could give two shits about lesbians one way or another, I mean unless their stealing my cab. But I like this woman. And now I sound like a raving homophobe. Awesome.

I top the whole night off by getting back to the Meghannest's house and decided to jump on beds to figure out where to sleep. I head for Sam's room in the basement. Yes, I was stupid enough to jump on a bed in the basement. I whack my head on the ceiling and decide this is NOT where I will sleep. Head back upstairs and awake with a bump and a hangover and not sure which to credit with my headache.

It was a long, shameful walk back to my brother's to pick up the car.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Wednesdays' Weirdos: MixMaster!

Ever been in a hotel and thought, "Where the fuck did they get this crap?" when you looked at the art.
Yeah, I thought so.
I wonder if that's the big perk that comes with being a hotel exec. You get to pick shitty art. Or maybe you end up boning a hot artist under the premise of using his/her art in your hotel. Who knows?
Regardless, that brings us to this week's Wednesday's Weirdos. The Hotel Art Buyer, Photographer, and Framer who collaborated on this project found in a Wolf Creek vacation condo-- The MixMaster!

mix master

Mmmmm raw egg and Top Ramen... whisk me away!

Monday, December 1, 2008

Random Lists

Things that make me happy
Speed Metal eating all my purple Skittles. (What can I say, I'm a grapist.)
New Skis in general but right now the new K2 Hellbents... sexy, sexy bitches
Kelly calling me a "snowtard"
Kurt using my book on his facebook update

Things that suck
Going to Denver for training when there's snow here
Packing
Flies
Cavities

Things that strangely make me think of sex
Sexual Harassment training
Shaun of the Dead
Detachable shower heads (ok that's not really strange)
Steve Martin

Things that make me never want to have sex again
Two girls, one cup (if you have to ask... just trust me and don't)
Jack Black without a shirt on
Danny DeVito
Vaginal Contraceptive Film *shudder*

Friday, November 28, 2008

Friday Quotes!

"Jesus, are you trying to fuck her or set her on fire?"

"Sometimes they take too much batting practice and they leave their leg in the net."

(whispering) "I don't want a Mormon to cut my hair."

"I hate those metal core dudes with their eye liner and shaggy hair and tight jeans doing stupid kung fu kicks in the pit."

"What do you get when you cross Sir Elton John with a saber toothed tiger?"
"I don't know, but you better keep it away from my ass."

"small kids who swear are my kryptonite"

"Why is it coming up with pictures of women when I put in 'chest hair' and 'gold chains'?"

"There's a lot of assclownery afoot."
"They have a great brunch over at the AssClownery."

Linnea Quote

*singing* "Idea... I have an idea. I have an idea."
"What's your idea?"
"I'm singing until it comes."

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Guest Posting! Wednesdays' Weirdos: Sleazy Mexican Cowboy

This guest posting brought to you by my brother, SpeedMetal.

It's Sunday morning. Several years ago. I'm in the grocery store. It's early. So early you shouldn't be doing anything at all let alone shopping for foodstuffs.
Then, I see him.

It feels like a dream. I rub my eyes and he's still there. Hollywood screenwriters don't have the imagination to create the character standing before me. He's about 5'4". A white ten gallon hat sits atop a head of greased ringlets of shoulder length black hair.
jumpingbean
His porn-stache framed mouth nervously flicks a toothpick back and forth as he scans his surroundings.

Is he in a singles bar or the checkout line I wonder?

Then I take note of the rest of his outfit. I'm not sure what's more blinding, the cheap gold chains or the mostly unbuttoned shimmering gold satin shirt he's wearing.

moustache

Either way it compliments his skin tight red Wrangler jeans like you wouldn't believe. This monstrosity of an outfit was topped (or bottomed) off with, you guessed it, snakeskin cowboy boots. It was so surreal I took the best mental picture I could and swore to never forget him...

The Sleezy Mexican Cowboy.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

A Slight Tendency for the Oppositional

do not flush

Women's Restrooms nearly always have these signs. Which immediately make me want to dump tampons, applicators, coffee mugs, matchbox cars, rubber tree leaves, plastic tree ornaments, lawn decorations, EVERYTHING I can find into the fucking toilet and flush.

Something about the ignorance of these signs brings out the oppositional asshole in me. Seriously, you need to put a SIGN up to tell someone not to put a DIAPER in the toilet? If you need a fucking sign for that, do you know how to read?

Friday, November 21, 2008

Friday Quotes

Friday Quotes: The Game.

Guess who said each quote. You can post your answers in the comments. The person with the most correct answers gets.... the joy of being right. What? I don't paid for this blog, so you'll have to find self satisfaction wherever you can.

There will be awards for most correct, funniest guess, and dirtiest lie.

1. "I'd really like to see Michael Jackson leap from the 10 meter platform, and get judged on how well he grabs his crotch before he hits the water at 25 mph, and breaks 14 bones in his pretend face."

2. "More on this turmoil as I make it up."

3. "My favorite part of the henna experience is how your hair smells like, to use a British term, 'fag ends' for a week. Fag ends and teabags."

4. Status update-"...thinks some women have accessory babies just so they can be MILFs."

5. “After Daddy kissed Snow White on the cheek, she awoke from the evil Queen’s spell, completed her education, and began her medical practice with the celibate man she met as a resident. And they lived happily ever after, just down the path from Prince Daddy. The End.”

6. "My nipples are like the sensational confetti of my body!"

7. "What the fuck, Karin? I spent the last 15 minutes fuckin with everyone's plants."

8. Correction/Addition to last week
"Somebody should name a brewery after the dam. It could be The Dam Brewery. And they could make a bunch of Dam Beer."
"Then you could get a dam job there."
"Ha, if someone blew it up, it'd be a dam shame."

9. "It smells like grampa took a dump in this elevator. No one should be in here for 35 to 45 minutes."

10. "And what was your point?"
"I'm a woman. I don't have to have a purpose to speak."

11. "He's outa here and that's fine with me."
"Wait, aren't your ovaries all aflutter? You wanna make babies, why is that good?"
(As waiter gives us our food.)

12. "Will you look up a word for me? Its p-a-n-a-c-e-a."
"That's the landmass with *gestures fingers intertwining to show altogether*... wait, that's pangea." *hangs head* "Yes, I will."

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Fun with Foreign Languages

I love foreign language. Its a fun game for my brain. Thing is when I play games, I play for fun. So here's some fun that's happened whilst I've studied and made an ass out of myself in several languages.

1. Today in Spanish we sang and translated the lyrics to La Cucaracha
La cucaracha, la cucaracha
Ya no puede caminar
Porque no tiene, porque le falta
Marihuana que fumar.

Translation:
The cockroach, the cockroach
Can't walk anymore
Because it doesn't have, because it's lacking
Marijuana to smoke

Ss-s-Spare-a-juana?

2. In Chile when I first began studying Spanish, we were given a worksheet for homework. Each number gave a noun and a verb. Your job was to take them and make a sentence. Number 19 said, colon, descubrir. Meaning, Columbus, discover.
Having never heard Christopher Columbus referred to by his ACTUal name, I looked up the uncapitalized colon. It said colon.

My response to the question:
Si tu buscas el colon, una doctora descubre el bajo de estomago.
Translation:
If you look for the colon, a doctor discovers it below the stomach.

Of course I was called on to read my response to Number 19. It was met by many confused looks and my beat red face.

3. In high school German class, we were often assigned to work in groups and write dialogs that we then performed in front of the class. On this particular occasion, we were to write a dialog about school supplies and the beginning of school. My group wrote a rivoting dialog where the main character's life hung in the balance. What could save this dashing gentleman you might ask? An eraser. The word for this was Radiergummi. We, for some reason, thought for certain we'd heard a shortened version as the correct translation: Gummi.

Our performance began. The class sat on the edge of their seats. When we gave the final line "Hier ist eine Gummi!" Our teacher turned a wine color and glared at us.

Us-"What?"
Frau Wolf "You know!"
Us- looking around "Huh?"

Gummi is slang for condom. Like Rubber.
Our hero had his solution, but explaining ourselves was more complicated.

Have foreign language fau paux to share? Please comment!

Friday Quotes: Last week's answers

1. "She's so dumb she thinks 'soy milk' is Spanish for 'I am milk'."
Jon Stewart

2. "Yeah... I didn't sit next to him on spaghetti day."
Meghann's friend

3. “Its just like when you don’t think about something, you know, and then you think about something.”
Random chick in DU's bathroom

4. "What, you're my fucking mom? What, you shat me out of your womb?"
Billy Bob Thorton in Bad Santa

5. “I just had all of this emotion, and it burst forth from my face.”
Heather

6. “Chances are if you're reading it and you think its Heath, its probably Heath.”
Karin

7. “He drinks whiskey, or Izze, or liquored up Izze.”
Brianne

8. "You’re such a special flavor of dork."
Karin

9. "Cheers to boozie Izze"
Brianne

10. "Booty fuck Wildernest?"
Heather

11. "I'm planning on throwing myself a surprise 30th birthday party, and when everyone arrives, I'll say 'surprise!' Oooh, maybe I could tell them where we're going as part of the surprise."
The Meghannest

12. "Do you have a fake Facebook account?"
"Yeah, its hangin' out with my fake gmail account I use to check my fake google calendar. Do you want to be my friend on my fake Facebook account?"
Bri and Karin

13. "Getting tattoos makes me horny."
"And that's how you make Brianne leave."
Heather and Karin

14. In Parking Lot at Keystone
A "Spare-a-juana?" (to passersby)
B "Nah man, good luck with that."
A "S-s-Spare-a-juana?"
C "Yeah man, I might have some spare-a-juana."
D "There's a pocketfull of pebbers in it for you... Wanna take a ganjala ride with us?"
C "Why yes. Yes, I would."
Demian, Stranger, Karin

15. "Somebody should name a brewery after the dam. It could be The Dam Brewery. And they could make a bunch of Dam Beer."
"Then you could get a dam job there."
Demian and Dean

Monday, November 17, 2008

How to Bug Your Spouse, Part Deux: Siblings

So I met a kindred spirit who also lives to annoy: Brianne's brother Justin. He spent the evening, Saturday night, hugging her with a shit-eating grin of sinister intent. Her response: "Don't touch me." A wise one since he, apparently, is prone to picking her up over his shoulder and holding her over the balcony. Might I mention they're both close to thirty.

Justin and I swapped a few methods. He shows up at her house at 8 am to poop in her bathroom. I plug my husband's nose as he's trying to brush his teeth.

Then later, I find out what Justin's big, shiny, red button is.

Brianne and Brad (her husband) were out to dinner one night and Brad mentioned something about sex. Justin immediately threw a fist full of spaghetti in Brad's face.

Don't worry, I was not deterred.

Me, "Wait, Justin... Isn't your mom all super open about sex? Isn't she the one that gave Brad and Brianne all kinds of sex toy stuff for an anniversary present?"
Justin "I JUST MET YOU and your already talking about my MOM!"
Me, giggling about to push his giant gleaming button, "So does this mean you don't want me to tell you about Brianne's sex dreams?"
Justin, "I hate you."

So much for kindred spirit. I just one the biggest bastard award. Little did he know, I have a similar button... Thankfully my brother and his wife only hold hands.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Friday Quotes! The GAME

Introducing
*drumroll please*
Friday Quotes: The Game

Apparently people play this game in their heads when they read this anyway so here's your chance to make it interactive. Guess who said each quote. You can post your answers in the comments. The person with the most correct answers gets.... the joy of being right. What? I don't paid for this blog, so you'll have to find self satisfaction wherever you can.

Let the Games Begin!

1. "She's so dumb she thinks 'soy milk' is Spanish for 'I am milk'."

2. "Yeah... I didn't sit next to him on spaghetti day."

3. “Its just like when you don’t think about something, you know, and then you think about something.”

4. "What, you're my fucking mom? What, you shat me out of your womb?"

5. “I just had all of this emotion, and it burst forth from my face.”

6. “Chances are if you're reading it and you think its Heath, its probably Heath.”

7. “He drinks whiskey, or Izze, or liquored up Izze.”

8. "You’re such a special flavor of dork."

9. "Cheers to boozie Izze"

10. "Booty fuck Wildernest?"

11. "I'm planning on throwing myself a surprise 30th birthday party, and when everyone arrives, I'll say 'surprise!' Oooh, maybe I could tell them where we're going as part of the surprise."

12. "Do you have a fake Facebook account?"
"Yeah, its hangin' out with my fake gmail account I use to check my fake google calendar. Do you want to be my friend on my fake Facebook account?"


13. "Getting tattoos makes me horny."
"And that's how you make Brianne leave."

14. In Parking Lot at Keystone
A "Spare-a-juana?" (to passersby)
B "Nah man, good luck with that."
A "S-s-Spare-a-juana?"
C "Yeah man, I might have some spare-a-juana."
D "There's a pocketfull of pebbers in it for you... Wanna take a ganjala ride with us?"
C "Why yes. Yes, I would."

15. "Somebody should name a brewery after the dam. It could be The Dam Brewery. And they could make a bunch of Dam Beer."
"Then you could get a dam job there."

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Wednesdays' Weirdos: Leg Cast Affectionado

Sometimes I read a site called The Beautiful Kind. Its a sexual blog written by a friend's sister. The blog is very well done, and the subject matter, for me, alternates between a train wreck and masturbation content. I never know what's going to be on there. This last week was fetish week.

Now I HATE feet. I joke that I hate feet so much that I grew this tall to get away from my own. So I read this week often with a tinge of fear I might find details about applesauce covered toes or pudding on someone's soles. In the face of my fears I read on. Instead of toe jerky though, along came a fetish you just couldn't make up. Leg casts. Yup, TBK interviewed a guy with a leg cast fetish.

I'll say that again, a Leg. Cast. Fetish. Earning him this weeks' Wednesday's Weirdo: Leg Cast Affectionado

For more info, head to her website. There's a link above.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Escalante Concedes to Obama

When I woke up en la manana I found this news

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The beloved Animosity Party did not make headlines!

Then I fell over in my tracks when I found this "gop" party had. Why would a party that rhymes with cop and sounds like a toddler noise make news when the powerful Animosity Party did not?

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Did you see all those signs? And not a single Escalante '08!

Further incensed I decided to eat in effigy the man who'd defeated me!

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I realize that I must concede. We must be one nation united under this Obama. We'll be an Obamanation for the next four years, I concede. But I will keep an eye on it.

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And in four years, when the country again comes together to vote on gay rights and savings accounts for school districts, I will eat the eyeballs of anyone who does not vote Escalante 2012!

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Good luck Mr. Obama. If the Great Escalante has anything to say about it, there will be an Animated Animosity Annulment to your plans in 2012!

Saturday, November 8, 2008

How to bug your spouse

Think its fun to annoy your husband, wife, boyfriend, girl friend, partner... who am I leaving out? ... whatever. Running out of ideas?

This works especially if your significant other has younger siblings. Take your index finger and wipe it across basically any part of them. They will immediately think of bastard-little-brother wiping a booger on them and freak. Also pushing them over on the bed when they're folding laundry or licking your hand and saying "Oh no, The CLAW" are good activities.

Can you tell I'm a younger sister?

What's wrong with me that I think this is so amusing?

I might mention I started the day today with Rob dancing around elbows out singing through a kazoo at me.

Also in trying to figure out if I should write bugger or booger, I determined the difference. Bugger can be used like "aw did you see that cute little bugger?" or it also means to sodomize. I guess I knew that but never quite put it together that way. So you're dried mucus must be spelled "booger," unless you want it to fuck you through your nose's back door.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Friday Quotes

"Wow. Now I want to get an applesauce enema, shove chopsticks under my toenails, and kick a wall. Unless this post and all the comments are a joke?"

"My dick is so hot its stolen, your dick look like Gary Coleman"

"Who will teach the disabled to shoot guns if not you, Heath?"

"I'm actually wondering if there is a way to have dirty talk without cursing. Let's run through a few test cases:
"Oh, your manliness is so manly."
"Smack my rump."
"Your aeriola are as large as dinner plates."
I'm hot already."


"When dressing to travel by air, it's helpful to think of yourself as a mental patient."

"Karin? Wait is that the pooh girl?"

"You have really good parenting skills, especially considering you don't have any kids of your own, you know? I thought I'd give you an actual compliment instead of all those back handed ones I usually give you and then hear about later from someone."

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Big Blue Dick

So last night when they called the election, the bar did not have champagne. The bar tender told me that he'd let me bring some in from the liquor store though. So off I went and bought as much cheap champagne as we could carry. We popped the cork outside and I passed the bottle to strangers and friends alike.

One woman got a snotty look on her face and said
"I am NOT for Obama. We're going to have more buildings blown up now..."
me "Well Fuck you with a big blue dick then!" mumbling now "maybe you'll relax then."
from background "Hope is stronger than fear!"

Obama!!!!!

The news leaks first
and then pours
the tears are in everyones' eyes
and screams of triumph
in the streets
and we are not a race
but a country
as the white flakes last on my lashes
and drip down my cheeks
loved ones call
who used to say
"bi racial children will be picked on"
they were right
and now one has the power
to defend
to protect
to lead.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Big Nipples

I received a voicemail from my brother today informing me that my niece, the absolutely gorgeous 2 year old Ms. Linnea was walking around the house with a pot lid on her chest saying, "Look at me! I've got big nipples!"

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Fuck you's: Special Edition

Fuck the real world. I smite you.
Fuck the cat walking on the center of my boob in the middle of the night.
Fuck political ads and their bullshit dramatic, breathy voices.
Fuck pro and anti ballot initiative ads that have NO actual useful information in them. Stop wasting money you fucks!
Fuck gray afternoons that result in NO snow for my ski season. That's right I just called it MY ski season.
Fuck not being able to check my email at work
Fuck drug testing
Fuck drug addicts
Fuck the lumping of all drugs, all drug users, and all drug addicts into one horrible scary evil category.
Fuck periods.
Fuck parents that hit their kids.
Fuck even harder, the fact that some of them don't hit them hard enough to allow us to help. What kinda fucked up...grrrr
Fuck turn signals, just cuz.
Fuck Sarah Palin, in a very uncomfortable place.
Fuck Main Street
Dickslap Wallstreet
Fuck socialism for the rich and capitalism for everyone else.
Fuck anyone who thought privatizing social security was a good idea, in your FACE!
Fuck payday loan companies
Fuck ACRONYMS
Fuck being wrong
Fcuk shopping (get it?)
Fuck garlic burps
Fuck whoever comes up with sizing for women's clothes, you schizophrenic asshole. No wonder I can't figure out if I'm fat or thin.
Fuck any designer who chooses dry clean only fabrics. Knock that shit off!
Fuck weird Summit County radio stations. How can three stations have found so much just below mediocre music I've never heard before?
Fuck road construction.
Fuck grimy gym floors when you're barefoot.
and fuck skinny people who don't even exercise.

Feel free to add your own fucks to the list. Trust me, you'll feel better.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Friday Quotes!

“Barack Obama is a Social Mexican Jew with a good driving record.”

“What’s the difference between Sarah Palin’s mouth and her twat?”
“Only 1/5 of what comes out of her twat is retarded.”

"If 'journey' became 'destination', would 'only the young' become 'only the dead'?"

"Jews are good with money. You're never gonna take that away from them. Black guys have big dicks, and Jews are good with money. That's just the way it is."
"And apparently the Irish have large nipples."
"Yeah! See."

"The Internet has really opened up our worlds, empowering communication and the exchange of knowledge like never before.

Also photos of cats."



“THAT is not goddess nectar - that is PEE PEE!”

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Aliens: to befriend or to eat?

Over the past weekend we had some friends over to celebrate Rob's birthday. I'm not sure how the topic of Rob's fear of aliens came up... (He gets really scared if he watches those alien watch shows late at night and I think its hilarious and might tell people about it a little too often.)

Which led to the question: What would you do if an alien walked through the door right now?

Now I had been drinking a wee bit at this point and earlier we'd had a talk about capturing and eating rodents, so it might have had something to do with my response.

"I mean, if its nice you'd want you know snuggle it or whatever... (thinking) but I've never tasted alien before. I might want to feed it milk and cereal for a week and try out the delicacy. You know, it might be the tastiest thing you've ever eaten. Who knows what it would taste like?"

A certain female guests looked at me horrified as her husband said, "Chicken. It might just taste like chicken." He appeared to ponder the question for a time too:

To befriend or to eat?

Maybe I should write a children's book about it. It could have a picture of a scrawny alien with arms too barren of flesh to hold up a toothpick and say:
scrawny alien

"Befriend." (Notice the ribs sticking out)

Another page would picture a squat, vacant looking alien with cute little rabbit whiskers and say:

cute alien

"Eat."

Oh shit but Alien would need to say:

scary alien

"Stop pissing yourself and FUCKING RUN!"

Hurt Feelings

Your voice, like leaves blowing,
reminds me of raked piles and falling.
It hurts now that I'm older,
what's underneath
the hard ground
with its knobs of roots and bones
rotting
my hurt feelings.
Maybe in spring your voice will turn lilting
and something different will bloom.
But for now,
I'll let the worms eat your words for you.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Friday Quotes!

"We have a holiday in canada called antelope day. Its
on every 23rd of october and its where we celibrate the antelope. we are
grateful that the antelopes allowed our pilgrims to sell there pelts and
meat to start our economy back in 1895 and every year we praise them by
drinking and partying and wearing antlers on our heads."

"You ever get so bored driving on a road like this that you want to pass yourself?"

"You just can't run a country like a whorehouse."

"By the dangling testes of Christ on the cross!"

"They're teaching sex ed in school. But he wasn't understanding what "menstruation" was, so I told him it was like throwing a party, and you put up decorations and make a cake, but no one shows up so you tear it all down and throw it away. And that premature ejaculation is when everyone shows up to the party two hours too early while you're still getting ready."

"Only a pussyboy who sits to pee during the middle of the night in response to his overactive, frightened bladder doesn’t have a mancave."

"I had a dream that Barack was my boyfriend. I woke up very happy."
"Oooh. That is good. Should I call you madam first hussy in November?"
"I voted for my boyfriend today. It is getting close to that time ... you should practice calling me Madame First Hussy."

"He bought a truck. Its got a winch on it, but he says I can't use it to drive up a tree. Don't worry, I asked."

"Heated seats are the best things that have ever happened to my butt."
"Now that's a broad statement."

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Oh my but I love him

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Awwww, isn't he cute there with meowmix, both of 'em all tired from NOT folding the laundry.

Wednesdays' Weirdos: Baby Monitor Vigilante Extraordinaire

My good friend's husband had his iPod stolen out of his car last week. It was not the first time this has happened to him. It wasn't the second time either. It was the third. Most rational people now say, "Why doesn't he stop leaving his iPods in the car?" This is not our Baby Monitor Vigilante's attitude though. Oh no. He has plotted an elaborate plan that involves planting baby monitors throughout the parking lot in order to catch the culprits, and I do not exaggerate (this time), kill them! He sat down and attempted to pull his wife into his contrivances. But she declined. This did not deter him however, and he plots on to this day, the deaths of the iPod thief making him this week's Wednesday Weirdo: The Baby Monitor Vigilante Estraordinaire.


Have a stranger than stranger story? Email it to me swedishskier@gmail.com! It just might make Wednesdays' Weirdos.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Friday Quotes!

"You’re like a Post it Note Assassin."

"I kinda like getting rejected. It gives me something to drink at."

"I'm gonna be the cat lady, all old and alone. Only I hate cats, so I'll be worse than the cat lady. I'll be the cat lady with no cats."

"I've been arrested tons of times and I've never had a bad experience."

"You know who is a real maverick? A cat who can flush a toilet. That's loaded w/ maverickness."

"The best thing ever in the world... its theoretical. You know, cuz there's no money in Startrek. Whoopie Goldberg worked in a bar, and she talked to folks, served em drinks. But there was never any money."

"okay, I've been into the whiskey... listening not listenong! whatever. download the shit."

"Yo, it don't matter if you fucked 5,000 girls! You suck a cock once, you a cock-sucker fo' life!"

"Geez karin, why are you so frickin ethical all the time. What are you, like some kind of ethics professor? Look at little miss ethics, hey look at me, I'm all ethical and stuff."

"My goal is to be voted most contentious non profit founder. I plan to get death threats by the time I'm 40. Its good to have goals."

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Interrogation Room

I sit across the table
your long lashes mirror mine
in a police interrogation room
long dainty fingers nervously fidget
about the secrets I ask
they could be mine
I can't tell
which side of the table I'm on
the glass is more than one way
breath constricted
by choking hands
"I just want her to get help"
words soaked up
by foam covered bricks
"freak outs" pulling in two directions
as your head breaks through a wall
Bravery sits in that chair though
and will get up
and move forward with life
just as I did

Friday, October 10, 2008

Pretty Physiological Pixie Turns 30

In honor of her 30th birthday (and the fact that I'm a shitty friend because I forgot to do anything better than a blog) I will dedicate this blog to fun things about PPP.
The first time I met PPP it was at a coffee house in St. Louis. She was still married and telling a group of people about bending her then husband over the back of the couch and fucking him in the ass with a dildo. She's 4'11", he was 6'something ridiculous. Later when he turned out to be a complete fuck, I comforted myself with the thought that at least she'd shown him his place at one time or another.

PPP throws herself at the world. It is possibly her most endearing quality. At a skate park once I saw her relentlessly run up the side of a quarter pipe five or six times trying to get to the top. She'd run up the side, then slide down it on her stomach unable to get to the top, then do it over again. She had strawberries galore covering the insides of her arms and stomach which she showed us with a grin when she finally made it to the top.

She usually eats with the same enthusiasm. She does not take just a simple bite but smiles as she shovels food into her mouth and pours mounds of hot sauce onto anything remotely related to a potato. When she was first pregnant, I once watched her throw up in her own hand, run to the bathroom to flush it and wash her hands, then return to eating with a far-too-pleased-with-herself grin.

This enthusiasm made an appearance at my wedding where PPP got so drunk (in absolute celebration-no one has been a bigger champion of my relationship with Rob than her) that she locked herself in the bathroom but thinking she was stuck in the hallway proceeded to pound on the door and cry "Let me in" to her hotel roommates. When they opened the door she fell somersaulting through the room and finally gave up the fight to sleep on the floor where she landed.

When her jerkass husband cheated on her with a fat unattractive bitch, I made her a CD with "Phatty Girl" by Ludacris and "Ugly Girl" by Fiona Apple on it to make her smile. She refused to make payments on the car in order to fuck his credit and just before the vehicle was to be repossessed let him know where it would be and left the CD in the player for him when he came to pick it up.

One night at the bar, PPP made a bet with a guy that she could beat him at arm wrestling. He was a big dude well over 6 feet tall. He had to buy a round of Sandenista's (nasty tabasco drink) when she beat him. I found out later, she'd bet my phone number.

I can tell endless entertaining stories about the Pixie. She prides herself on being a good party girl. And that's true. She jokes that she's vain, shallow, and conceited, and that's a little true too. But really she's an amazing friend. When my step father died three days before my wedding, I was with her and it was a comfort. It was good to be with the only friend I have that I can say "I need you to leave me the fuck alone for a few minutes" and she completely understands and is not offended. I don't have to pussy foot around her nor she me. And I know I can count on her. I know whether is a death in my family or my wedding day, she'll throw herself into it, bringing tiara's and tissues. I know whether I want to drink myself into a stupor teasing strangers, or hike for days, she's an everything friend and it'll be awesome with her. I know whether I want to talk about osmosis or obstetrics or obama, she's my girl.

So Happy 30th Pretty Pixie. I wish I could be there to be part of your everything.

Escalante's Political Party

Last weekend while visiting friends, we discovered in the blue 'booklet' (the guide book that comes in the mail for all the ballot initiatives etc.) that there was a list of all the third parties. In addition to the usual Green parties and Libertarians, there was also the Heartquake 08 party. WTF?
This led us to designing our own parites. The first party to gain notariety (its already got members on Facebook which makes it legit right?) is the Awareness party. We debated the merrits of various mascots. The owl? Nah, too Hooters.
We finally settled on the Marmot.

awareness party

Although I thought the Gopher from this video might have been better, at least more dramatic.



Then we came up with slogans. "For a better Aware-ica." "Becoming more Aware-ica." "Building Aware-ica."
The problem is that a political party is no fun without a rival party. So what is the rival to the Awareness party? The Intuition Party. It was difficult to choose a mascot for this party but we're thinking of using a salmon since they follow their instincts.

salmon upstream

Plus they're badasses who swim upstream.

Badass got me thinking, the ultimate in rival parties would be Escalante's Political Party: The Animosity Party. No party has more rivals, more enemies, more animosity than the Animosity Party. And no mascot is more prepared for the job of kicking political ass than Escalante. There'd be no wussie-boy gesturing like those Republicrats fist first

politician gesture

and Democrans with their do nada peace signs.

politician gesture 2

The Animosity Party will put their middle finger to the law!

middle finger

With Escalante back from his rejuvinating trip to Denver, to lead them, the Animosity Party will write off the establishment with their teeth if necessary!

McCain Face

Friday Quotes

"Just cuz you can do the robot to it, does not make it a good song."

"It smells like soy factory crossed with pig."

"Why do I have to be starting trouble? What, you see boobies and just automatically think trouble?"
"Yes."

"I really hope the Broncos are winning this debate."

"Karin is a big poopy pants."

"And for all you Joe Sixpacks out there playing drinking games, Maverick."

"I have a friend who gave up on leather."

"Its like trying to nail jello to the wall."

"I think the straight talk express lost a wheel back there."

"I'm gonna take that $5000 a year across state lines and buy fireworks with it."

"The best current offer is from a fun-loving scrubby-looking group of guys called "The Taliban": on the table is four cows, six virgins and 500 free hours on AOL."

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Escalante's Hiatus a Casa Mitchell/Johnson

After I passed the test of the one called Linnea's: "Tumbling Class," I dedicated the rest of my captivity at the Mitchell/Johnson household to learning about their forms of entertainment.

El Tobagan Gigante!

Escalante goes down the slide

The Teeter Toddler

Escalante on the Teeter Totter

I was disappointed to find this does not have anything to do with toppling a Toddler. Que Lastima!

Never would I have believed a tiny 'girl' would get away with pushing the Great Escalante, but it was muy Fun!

Escalante and Linnea Swing

Me gusta talking basura (trash) on XBox

Escalante playing video games

And my FAVORITE, the BASS!

Escalante Bass hero

The Pointiness of the Great Escalante's Teeth triumph again!

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Wednesdays' Weirdos: 80's Caserocker!

This week's Wednesday Weirdo comes from my training in Denver. She was a caseworker from another county in Colorado with a special look and skills to go with it. In the first minutes of the class each person wrote down a skill/talent/interesting fact. Hers was that she'd been in a band and written copywritten music. She had that 80's brushed-out-curly hair look with wings. Only here's the kicker, while she had drastically bleach-blonde hair, the sidewings had two dark brown spiral curl temple streaks. It was like spiral wormy ribbons sprouting from her temples.
She wasn't just any Social Services Caseworker, she was a Case ROCKER!

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Escalante goes to Gymnastics

Karin tried to call it a hiatus, but I was kidnapped by the one they call Linnea. She forced me through a set of trials she called "tumbling class."
First she made me walk the plank

Balance beam Linnea and Escalante

Once I got the hang of it, I really liked it. She tried to get me down though, so I bit her.
Linnea helping Escalante balance

Then she made me watch from the sidelines while she jumped on the trampoline.

Escalante watching Linnea on the trampoline

Then I discovered pinche Esteban from bendejoslandia.

Escalante and Esteban

You did not doubt the great pointiness of the Great Escalante's teeth in battle did you?
I triumphed and became the lord of the rings

Escalante is the lord of the rings

I rode the Pommel Horse off into the Sunset

Escalante rides the Pommel Horse

Friday, October 3, 2008

Friday Quotes

Which one? Ninjas or nazis?

Piece of old pizza wrapped in a wal-mart bag. It either has olives or mold on it...I can't tell. I think it bit me.

"The world is a cruel place where kindness festoons in small pustules where cruelty has trapped it." -klm

"Beer and kitten- what more could you want?"

"It was really scary. I like kinda peed in my pants a little almost."

"He used to come and flirt with me all the time. He was like 60"
"Well, it won't be long till you got his money..."

"There's a girl I work with and she's got a problem I don't like to hear about."
"I'm guessing it has to do with the queefa."

"On a small scale I enable my sister to be an asshole at all times."

"I try not to worry what other people think too much but I feel kinda funny looking through the women's parts at the thrift store."

"I don't want to hear about anything that makes me think about men's assholes. Especially anything that makes me think about them flapping in the wind. Seriously, if they're making that whheeeewwwwwww noise, yech."

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Pretty Physiological Pixie

SSS "I'm going to apologize in advance for my shitty mood. I've been a raging bitch all day. I really don't know why."
PPP "It could have something to do with having a headache for 3 days straight."
SSS "4. And yeah, that might have something to do with it."

That was the beginning of my phone conversation with one of my dearest friends back in St. Louis. Pretty Physiological Pixie gets her name in that she studies anatomy and physiology with a rigor unmatched by any but the most geeky ivy of leagers. Plus she's a deceptively darling little thing, a little pixi ish even. But watch out, she's feisty!
Later in the conversation she updated me on her dating of late.

Conversation:
PPP "I kinda like a guy who's actually somewhat appropriate for once."
SSS "Oh yeah?"
PPP "Yeah well, he's kind of a drunk. I saw him back into the same car twice one night leaving the bar but..."
SSS "You know this is not the way to make me like him right?"
PPP "Yeah, well he's a 29 year old med student and.."

PPP typically dates inappropriate people on purpose in order to avoid committment. Sounds like a good idea when you're reading it. When you're her friend it means you listen to lots of stories about wildly drunken nights where she sleeps with her 10th consecutive drug dealing convicted murderer and how she let him strangle her a little anyway(I might be exaggerating.) Conversation goes on and she describes what happens after they end up back at his place.

PPP "Do you have a condom?"
Drunk med student "No."
PPP "Then I think I'll sleep on the couch."
PPP to SSS "I'm a smart girl."

Right on. That is smart. She then tells me about how their "date" and how she let him drive her car.

SSS "Wait, you let him drive your car? Didn't you just tell me you were 'smart'? ha ha ha. That's not smart!"
PPP laughing, "Yeah well.."

She sure is book smart. Hope Drunk Med Boy turns out ok, otherwise I might have to accidentally back into him with my car.. twice.

Vice Presidential De-Runks

While watching the potentially hilarious debates tonight I suggest we all drink when:
1. Biden smiles broadly
2. Palin says "back in Alaaaahhhska" (I do a pretty good Palin for the record)
3. Anytime lipstick or pigs are mentioned
4. Anytime Biden's eternity in the Senate is mentioned (see also Chair of the Foreign Relations Committee)
5. Anytime Palin says something unfollowable.

Feel free to add your own rules! I know I'm looking forward to it all!

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Wednesdays' Weirdos: Mean LaQueefa

You may have noticed last time's Friday Quotes had A LOT of queefing references. That is because of this week's Wednesdays' Weirdo: Mean LaQueefa. Mean LaQueefa is a gal I know who is not mean so much as she just has that snotty mean look on her face a lot. You know the look from SNL's TriDelta skit where Melanie Hutsell said "those earrings, like, make your whole head you sparkle" That snotty look.
She also, apparently, has a queefing problem. During a recent "boot camp" workout, she made a "juicy farting noise" and when one of the participants gave her a surprised look, she said, "What? It doesn't smell. I have a queefing problem. I can't help it."

What?!!?!?!?!!

She apparently queefs quite often and is willing to explain that it was not a fart. Which leads to all kinds of questions. We spent an entire evening cracking up discussing them. I'll let you think about them now on your own.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Friday Quotes

“We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit.” E.E. Cummings

"It is dark and there are roaches that try to rape me as I sleep."

"Yeah go on with your big engine. (waves cars on to pass) Go forth and pollute!"

"She's got a public queefing problem. Its cool though, she owns it. I mean she OWNS it. Its happened in meetings and people think she farted, but she lets them know, its a queefing problem."

"queef a bubble
v: to queef a bubble or get upset similar to twisting your panties or throwing a fit aka: q a b "

Obesrve the following excerpt from Flandsa Hasasanba's work:

"The turnip (Brassica rapa var. rapa) is a root vegetable commonly grown in temperate climates worldwide for its white, bulbous taproot. Small, tender, varieties are grown for human consumption, while larger varieties are grown as feed for livestock."

And compare it to the following uncannily similar Predator Press quote:

"Fat tourists should not tan in temperate climates worldwide. Their pasty, white bulbous flesh should not be exposed to human eyes under any circumstances. Larger varieties should be used strictly as feed for livestock."


"I love that you used the word Fiduciary."
"We're not going to use that word in this organization though right."
"We could have an accountant and call the person the fidouchebag."

"I'm pregnant and it was because of sex."

"How much sex do you have to have to have a queefing problem?"

"Can you put queefing on the agenda?"

"There's gonna be some shits and fuckins around."

"I just kicked myself with your foot."

"He's got like hate mail and hate sites about him."
"Shit, that's how you know you're doing a good job."


"Actually, her mom’s in the hospital, and I just suck at getting children ready rapidly. In fact, I can nearly guarantee we’ll be late tomorrow. Perhaps you should be proactive and fill out the top part of tomorrow’s tardy slip for us."

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Wednesday Weirdos

I decided to start a new strand called Wednesday Weirdos. This can be people I've encountered or just people I've heard about. So if you have a Wednesday Weirdo for nominating, by all means... lemme know

This time I'll highlight Gay Spock.
Gay Spock is a mallrat at the Cherry Creek Mall in Denver, a rather swank joint. He is exactly what he sounds like. He looks like:

SpockVulcan

Only with stylish metro clothes and frosty pink lipstick, oh and minus the ears. But that could be fixed. I learned about him from my fuckin hilarious brother who had worked out the following proposition he wants to approach him with (not like that, that's my dad asshole):

"I have a role in an upcoming Sci Fi Comedy I'd like you to audition for. Actually I need you to do it, I kind of wrote the role for you."

Gay Spock walks with purpose and is no stranger to fashion, and his serious head on stare lets you know he means business Mister. If Big Brother gets him to audition, have no fear, I'll be sure to let you know.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Marbles

Playing marbles at the bottom of the pool
where there's no ripples or bubbles
to distract from the thickness of melting
into our ghost selves
you in your pinstripes
and I in my sunhat
we're dressed up for halloween every day
even down here I win every time
You pout and
I offer you palm trees and the seas
but you just say
"everyone hates sharing when they're honest
except orgasms."
so I let you shoot my cat's eye
and we laugh and play again.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Computer Based Training

I started a job working at Social Services as a Child Protection Case worker. Before I can do much as a caseworker there's an asston of training beginning with the most hideously boring computer based training in the world. It must've been designed by atari in 1986, blech. I'd rather play pong with a drill attached to my head that bores holes in every time I miss a shot. Trepining? Sign me up!

Seriously, there are lessons and objectives you have to pass within the objectives. Some questions are mindless about cultural sensitivity and crap I've been doing since graduating from high school. While others have trick questions trying to trick you into caring about the difference between a state statute on risk assessment and a federal law regarding safety assessment. Ha! I still don't fucking care! And I got a 95% on that blipity objective.

However, two interesting things have popped up in the course of my training. The first was in the training on Domestic Violence. The training claims to find importance behind the reason for a man's wife beating and lists a few possibilities. You're job in this SCORED exercise is to determine which causes are actually possible. It lists growing up in a home where the man was exposed to violence and other equally understandable causes. But then it lists one I could NOT believe! I'm paraphrasing but it was something like, A cause of domestic violence could be the feminist movement's threatening of the male role in a relationship. This it claimed was correct. AAAAHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! If they could've, my feminist roots would've lifted up from the cement floor and bitch slapped straight through that computer screen to a portal on the other side of the state where some insecure imp wrote it.

The second from the substance abuse training, is much funnier. Word for word: One local expert states, "If you want to be awake for a test at 8 am, have a martini at 5 am," (Wanberg, 1998).

I knew there was a trick to getting up early.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Yes We Can

Reposted from my friend Bri's blog.

And thank you for reminding us.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Friday Quotes

"Hercules and Testicles eventually became bitter rivals, and Hercules often beat Testicles severely. Finally one day Hercules beat Testicles so badly, Testicles shrank off into obscurity forever."

"I need a pseudonym for you for my blog. What about Ski Blunder?"
*Leers*
"What? See its funny cuz it rhymes with Boy Wonder!"

"You know what we need ...a logo pretty soon, huh? Perhaps a snappy tag line as well? A theme song? And yes, a bluegrass version of the theme song? A new line of clothing? A microbrew beer named after us (MIA IPA)? A series of graphic novels to eventually be made into a movie? A documentary followed by a mockumentary?"

"You and your sad broccoli can kiss my ass."

"Is it enough?"
"It'll have to be enough."
"I don't need your disaster movie ultimatums."

"You're just like my mom. You try to make me eat my broccoli and throw pens in my eyes."

"I wish it were a lamp that would glow electric sex in my front window, so that the crackwhore who walks around our neighborhood with her little 12-year-old kid who insists he’s collecting money for the “school basketball team” would see something besides the other end of my double barreled shotgun when she comes a knockin’ at 11pm tonight."


You know what? Sometimes you've got to catch a few venereal diseases to find true love.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Who knew phallic began with an i

My what a large dock you have...

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Hmmm, mmm, mm it certainly is. You just plug in your iPecker... I mean iPod and Rock out with your iCock out.

Jenky Bookshelf- reposted with pics per Gina's reques

One morning last week as I was driving Rob to work, I noticed a bookshelf on the side of the road. For some reason all week someone had been leaving various items of furniture at the end of our street, (which butts up to Main Street right before the highway.) That day it was a tall, perfectly good bookshelf. Since we read constantly and Rob buys most of his books, I said we should pick it up. (We have piles of books all over the place and boxes in closets and the attic.) Rob hrmphed at my suggestion and I didn't think much more about it.

UNTIL, I picked him up that afternoon. He arrived at the car with a pile of particle boards he unceremoniously plopped into the back of the Subaru. He explained that a bookshelf at work had broken and his coworker only wanted the recovered, and perfectly fine, bottom half. So he was bringing the top half home for US to use.

What.

"So you're going to take the shitty, broken, particle board shelves, which have to be rebuilt, over the free, perfectly good, taller, more functional bookshelf that requires nothing?"
"Its been rained on."
"It rained two drops today."
"It'll be awesome, you'll see."

At home he tries to figure out a way to make this work, but the thing's shitty and broken and Rob's not the greatest at fixing things up. He thinks its a much better idea to work with what you have in a pathetic excuse for a tool BAG, than go to the hardware store to pick up... I don't know, wood screws, wood glue, anything.
The shelves are the kind with those prefab pegs to hold it together but 4 of the six of them are broken off IN the particle board. Hmmm tricky to fix without tools. I watch laughing at him for a while, then get bored and go off to write for a while. I look up and realize, he has been at this for TWO HOURS!

Prefab pegs
for blog 009

After two and a half hours, I see the finished project.
"We can put shoes on it."
I look quizzically at him.

It looks like and upside down pile of recovered particle board and he has shoved it under the counter next to another shelf that already serves this EXACT purpose. When I ask about this, I discover that the shelf is not sturdy enough to hold books. So much better than the original free and working bookshelf that would have held... hmmm... BOOKS.

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I laugh for a few minutes at his blunder and bold tenacity in the face of logic and decide I like the bookshelf because its one of those quirky things he does.

Then two days later I get an email with a looping video clip of a guy lighting his own ball sack on fire with a lighter instead of waxing his hair of like a rational vain person does, and think, "What a fucking idiot. That guy's just waiting to join the Darwin awards." As much as I think Rob's bookshelf was a waste of time, he has WAY too much sense to ever be talked into doing something that stupid, much less on film.

This gets me thinking of a certain situation with some Carmax. When I was in high school, I began using Carmax instead of regular lip balm. I liked the tingly sensation and wondered to a friend if it would tingle on genitals or what. We decided to try and find someone willing to try it out for us. We asked around at party after party until finally a certain gentlemen goes for it. He spent the next ten minutes with balls aflame (figuratively) chasing us around the living room saying, "I'm going to fucking KILL YOU!" While we tried to run away while laughing hysterically.

Its amazing what people will do.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Battle Cats vs. Escalante

I spent some time with the great Battle Cats Juno and Bleaker on Friday.
Yes they look cute and cuddly,

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but I watched and saw the truth from those bendejos. They have moves.

Like the thumbless headlock

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The pointed tooth head bite

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The paw secured bitch slap

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The combined pointed tooth head bite paw secured bitch slap

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But Battle Cats are no match for The Great Escalante! Even with help, they could not help but jump back in fear of my teeth and their awesome pointiness.




I looked into the evil one's eyes, and kicked his Bleaker ass.

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But then the one they call Linnea got involved.

She tricked me into the bathtub with promises of easy prey.

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And then punished me

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Ahhhh the horror!

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Human young seem to have more defenses in water than I had predicted. Maybe that's why they left them on display in the lazy river at Waterworld... I think I may have discovered the hidden human plot to destroy The Great Escalante! You will never take me alive!!!!!!!!


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