"When I got my DUI, there was a guy in my trunk. And my license was in the trunk too."
"Okay, so I got the pregnancy test and the vodka. We'll see which one wins."
"You want some of my snowcone?... its ridin' dirty..."
"I am French. I drink peeeeeee. I eat babies."
“You mean I just put my mouth on your cockpump?”
“You got egg nog on my nutmeg. I’m not sure what it means, but I want it to mean something. It should mean something dirty.”
"I wish it were a lamp that would glow electric sex in my front window, so that the crackwhore who walks around our neighborhood with her little 12-year-old kid who insists he’s collecting money for the “school basketball team” would see something besides the other end of my double barreled shotgun when she comes a knockin’ at 11pm tonight."
"You know what? Sometimes you've got to catch a few venereal diseases to find true love. "
(tosses pistachio into tumbler of whiskey) "Ha! I might get whiskey dick, but now you've got whiskey nut!"
"You and your sad broccoli can kiss my ass."
"Is it enough?"
"It'll have to be enough."
"I don't need your disaster movie ultimatums."
"How much sex do you have to have to have a queefing problem?"
"I love that you used the word Fiduciary."
"We're not going to use that word in this organization though right."
"We could have an accountant and call the person the fidouchebag."
"I don't want to hear about anything that makes me think about men's assholes. Especially anything that makes me think about them flapping in the wind. Seriously, if they're making that whheeeewwwwwww noise, yech."
"Just cuz you can do the robot to it, does not make it a good song."
"I've been arrested tons of times and I've never had a bad experience."
"You know who is a real maverick? A cat who can flush a toilet. That's loaded w/ maverickness."