I work with this really kickass lawyer. She's been all crazy over this guy lately. He worked for probation. Past tense. Did you see it?
Over the weekend he killed himself. Enter past tense, the unwelcome jerk. And I feel soooo terrible. And guilty. Because I tried it to. I talked about it a little in this post. Try #17 and on. That's where I talk about it. A little.
And now when someone kills themselves, I feel guilty. Like what I did when I was 17 somehow makes me responsible for everyone who ever does it. Like because I tried it, I should know how to fix it.
But there are tons of recovering drug addicts that can't tell you how to get sober. There are great thinkers that can't explain their ideas. And the fact is, no one can explain suicide.
Over the weekend he killed himself. Enter past tense, the unwelcome jerk. And I feel soooo terrible. And guilty. Because I tried it to. I talked about it a little in this post. Try #17 and on. That's where I talk about it. A little.
And now when someone kills themselves, I feel guilty. Like what I did when I was 17 somehow makes me responsible for everyone who ever does it. Like because I tried it, I should know how to fix it.
But there are tons of recovering drug addicts that can't tell you how to get sober. There are great thinkers that can't explain their ideas. And the fact is, no one can explain suicide.
This reminds me of Night Falls Fast, Jamison and her let's-tell-each-other-if-we-get-that-bad pact with her friend.
ReplyDeleteAnd I agree with you that explanations fall short. There are words that one can say: a great sadness, unable to cope, but loss begets loss, really.
p.s. I'm glad you're here.
ReplyDeleteMy sincerest sympathy to your coworker, the 'kickass lawyer.'
ReplyDeleteThanks. Me too. It seems like it was someone else that did that. I can't imagine what would ever make me do a thing like that now. But as a teenager, you don't have as good of an ability to see as far into the future. You don't have the experience that says ups and downs aren't forever. And as much as it feels like a stranger did that, I also get really affected by talks of suicide now.
ReplyDeleteI'm really glad you're here too. You make my life better.
ReplyDeleteAlso, on Monday in Improv, someone said something and in the "game" I had to say "I used to have a Kare(i)n too, but now I think she might be gone" and a horrid pang went through my heart and if I had your phone number I would have called you directly because it shook me that much.
So there's that.
I love you so much, I panicked at the thought.
And wait! Why are you picking up the phone? Are you calling the police on me?
Even though no one can explain suicide, somehow,...you just did.
ReplyDeleteThanks for failing at something you were never suppose to succeed in.