"I gave Toddler a plastic drink sword and a paper drink umbrella the other day and he gave them back saying, "no thanks, I'm not a Chinese girl"me: "what?"Toddler: this is how Chinese ladies fight dragons (holding the umbrella above his head and making jabby motions with the sword) "
"You look like a parapalegic trying to do pushups."
"The fairyest of drag queens and 3 year olds have the same taste in music."
"If you ever want to fuck again, I'm gonna buy you an iPhone cuz there's an app for that."
"Innapropriate comments? That's what little girls are made of."
"Little girls are made of Adderall."
"Next time I want a lawyer, not an attorney. I may be dyslexic but I'm not stupid."
"G supposes you think it's funny that she had hot sauce on her finger and then picked her nose."
"Happy Anniversary Sesame Street! Cheers to 40 years of having a hand up your ass."
"A painter paints pictures on canvas. But musicians paint their pictures on silence."
"I'll be Kanye West for Halloween & just before kids say Trick or Treat, I'll jump out of the bushes and yell "Christmas is better!""
"Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take-out from heaven."
"When a mother has just given birth, is she crying because she is happy or because she knows all the pain and suffering her child will experience throughout its life?"
"Shut up, you douche canoe. She's crying because her vagina hurts from GIVING BIRTH!"
"Why you got to pry like that, Facebook? What's on MY mind you always want to know? Why do you care? Huh? Ass."
"You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again after your bullshit dies out over someone else's house."
"I wanna see if Michael Phelps can take a bong rip and hold it through th Eisenhower Tunnel."
"I'd like a cuckoo clock over my desk with a button I could push to make the little birdies come out and they'd twirp "Crack rock, Crack rock" real loud while people were talking to certain clients."
"nor do I hold it against you. You can't help being a Theravada Buddhist. Is that yoga for racist?"
"What's up with the gallon bottle of chocolate syrup."
"I mean fucking business, Dean."
"If you fuck a baby up, there's no amount of salt and butter that will fix it."
"You gonna sock some armless chick because shes got no balance? What do you think this is your birthday?"
"when I was little, I thought that mermaid vaginas were in their belly button."
"That blue water really cleans my hands, but it sure tastes like shit!"
"Yeah it is, I might have had to spit on a homeless person but I got 67%"