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Karin Mitchell's books on Goodreads
Between Families Between Families
reviews: 5
ratings: 8 (avg rating 4.75)

Friday, February 27, 2009

Friday Quotes!

"I hate the taste of three day old bladder water."

(In Front of the restrooms) "Is this the business office?"
"Well it is the office where you do your business."

"wait a second, I forgot that I DON’T GIVE A FUCK. FACEFUCK is my favorite word. GETSOME
PS: Poor Sextus"

"Well, if he wants to date himself he's going to WISH he'd learned how to suck cock and like it.Seems to me...Fortunately, for him, it starts with something mushroom-shaped."

"I would totally show your boobs to jump in a foam pit!"

"And yes, I have shaved my ear."

"Are you writing down a list of things to do like shave your ears?"

"How can you tell if a cock is Australian?"
"It rotates counterclockwise."

"I will try mushrooms six times if you will give sucking cock a fair try. Six times. And you can’t make any faces while you’re swallowing. Okay?"

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Wednesdays' Weirdos: Buffalo Unloader

So my neighbor stopped me when I was coming in on Sunday because he had some beetle kill wood he really wanted to sell me. Its getting toward the end of the nights where we need to use the fireplace though so I was reluctant. I told him I'd check with Rob and Rob, being a sucker, agreed to purchase more wood than we need.

Encouraged, my neighbor, began pitching us all the things he'd gotten in a recent foreclosure and wanted to sell us. He told us about the "really nice" furniture he had that he would sell for around $300. The couch puked pink and green floral patterns into my eyes from his cell phone screen. It looked a little like this:

couch

only it had pine logs for arms. Real comfy.

He scrolled through pictures of furniture he'd like to sell us, (I'd already told him we didn't need any,) and came upon some pictures I thought must be unrelated until he said, "I've got buffalo heads!" all excited-like.

buffalo

Yup Buffalo heads, making him this weeks' Wednesday Weirdo: Buffalo Unloader

(He's really a very nice man who offers to move our cars for us when we're out of town when it snows, but he's also a guy who comes into your living room and tries to sell you a Buffalo head.)

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Failing a test

So I failed my first pregnancy test. Pregnancy tests are always pass fail, you ever notice that? Its just the plus/minus thing that changes.

pregnancy test

When I was 18 and flying to Sweden to live for a year AND I was late for my period, the pass result was 'negative.' I passed that time. In fact, I've always passed.
But last week, at 29, and into our first month of 'trying' passing would have been a 'positive' result. No such luck.

I realize that getting pregnant usually does not happen the first month you're trying, but I am impulsive and optimistic and petulant and I want everything NOW. Its silly, but I hoped it would happen right away and I have to say I'm scared. Trying to get pregnant is way scarier than trying not to get pregnant. What if I can't get pregnant? That's the big question.

No one ever talks about trying to get pregnant while they're doing it. They tell you later, 3 months in when things are safe. So you never really know how long it takes people. People tell you about their one night stands, their taxes, their bowel movements, and they tell ME all their dirt in the bathroom whenever I go out I swear, but no one tells you "my wife and I are trying to have a baby but it hasn't happened yet." Meanwhile the entire world is having beautiful accessory babies and I'm worrying that all the things I thought I'd do with my kids I'm only actually going to do with other people's kids. I guess it just boils down to I'm ready. I'm ready to coach my own kids' soccer team and read my own kids' nighttime stories. And if I'm honest, I'm not too scared yet, but I am scared it won't happen.

So failed test in the trash can, I went skiing. And I skied hard. I fell like I haven't all season and I wore myself out all weekend long. Then, today it snowed 10" at Keystone and I took my new Hellbent's out for a drive and they were amazing. I had a perfect day. Blue sky, warm weather, didn't fuck up my new skis, skied well, rode every lift with actual locals, went to work at noon pooped. It was outstanding.
So I guess its ok if it takes a while. My life is full and good and beautiful, and while I'm ready, I can wait.

Monday, February 23, 2009

A Footed Thought

The shape of the arrangement
and the lillies
reminded me of you
sweeping up your hair
on the edge of the tub
dangling a leg over porcelain
a footed thought
mindlessly stirring the pot
in my belly

poetry

Friday, February 20, 2009

Friday Quotes! Short n sweet

Sorry, not so many this week. I didn't start until Wednesday. Oops.


"Anyone who would give a swimmer with a lung capacity like Michael Phelps' a drag on his bong is either stupid or very generous!!"

"If you hear meowing and can't find the cat, try the dishwasher."

"Don't answer your phone in the shower unless you are prepared to get a new one."

"Because of shim's facepaint I would call this weirdo...The John Wayne Gacy Drag Queen."

Nurse "Do you smoke anything else?"
guy "Yeah. I smoke pot."
Nurse "How much pot do you smoke?"
guy throws up hands "I'm a pothead, lady."

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Wednesdays' Weirdos: You name it

I love drag queens. The pure ridiculosity of it just makes me happy. I've been to many-a drag queen event, including drag queen brunch at a gay bar in Denver for father's day with my dad, my husband, my brother and his family including his infant daughter. I love my family.
You know what I love about drag queens? You never know WHO they'll fawn over. But its not going to be the baby. Its much more likely to be my middle aged father. Just makes me happy.
You know what's weird though. This Drag Queen

disturbing drag queen

Making shim this weeks' Wednesdays' Weirdo: You name it
Seriously, I don't know what to call this one.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Memories, all drunk in the moon-light

I'm slightly embarrassed to admit this, but I did a Facebook memory posting. Sounds sappy right? No.

Here are my top ten of the responses, retold from my perspective.

10. (Dribbles) "You chasing me on all fours around Ox's fireplace." I have absolutely no doubt that this is completely true as he has a fireplace in the center of a round room. I also have absolutely no recollection of this.

9. (My brother-Speedmetal) "I guess I have to default to the story of hitting you in the head with a baseball bat. I was trying to learn to swing left handed and when the bat came around, THWOCK, there you were. I thought I crushed your skull or something and was in absolute hysterics. Mom heard the commotion and came out to the backyard. She looked at both of us unable to determine the problem and said, "Which one of you is hurt?""
baseball bat

8. (My cousin) "My 21st birthday." This was the first time she met my husband. We went to a fancy dinner and then my cousin proceeded to drink Rob and me under the table. At a drag show. The main performer had the lumpiest, hairiest, most disturbing, midget-sized boobs. Shim was disturbing like this week's Weirdo. I still hold the mental image of my husband and my angelic cousin bent over the bar, my cousin holding her gorgeous waist-length hair back, in order to pick up a blow job shot in their mouths and down it with the cutie, gay waiter.

7.(homie I met in Chile) I seem to recall that we led a surprise stealth attack on a Chilean stronghold armed only with an arsenal of snowballs." This actually involved us crouched behind a pile of snow, stockpiling snowballs and lobbing them into a hot tub. The military-like language may stem from us passing the poor 18 year old Chilean boys we passed as they attempted to learn to ski down steep terrain with heavy packs on their backs and no instructors. I think I'd known this dude for about 2 days.

6. (PPP) She bet my phone number against our bar tab and beat a 6'something guy in armwrestling. She ordered a round of nasty Tabasco sauce drinks and made the guy pick up the tab. Good times.

5. Erykah Badu brawl. :) While I'm not super proud of this one, its a pretty good and random story. Over time I definitely feel less guilty about punching that girl.

erykah badu lookin tough

4. (The Meghannest) "Put it in my mouth - Utah - on repeat!!!" We drove to Utah for a quick weekend at Alta. We listened to that song all the way there.
When we got there we stayed in the employee dorms and hopped from room to room during a party one night until we ended up in one room waking up cute twin boys and getting them to allow us to play that song while having a grape throwing contest. We aimed for the twins' mouths. We all won.

3. (High school friend) "Summer School, your cats and dogs, cat nip" We were taking a film class and for the final project we decided to focus on voiceover. We went to my house and video taped my cats on catnip and my dogs wandering around trying to get catnip out of their collars. In the voiced over version, the dogs were the pushers and the cats, the strung out drug addicts. During the course of our "work" we tried smoking the catnip out of a homemade pipe made out of aluminum foil and shaped by a pencil. We were fucking stupid. It may or may not have contributed to the fact that when we played the final video in class, the voiceover did not work.

2. "I remember you were jumping up and down doing a ski dance saying "I want it to snow, i want it to snow!" You were in a wedding dress. It was summer." This just makes my heart happy. My wedding was AWESOME!

1. And if this is not just the most telling:
My Mom: "Karin at the communion rail too young to commune, but ready for a blessing from the pastor. Hands folded, angelic face. Coulda sworn she had a halo until we got back to the pew and she walloped her brother. bye bye halo!!"

Monday, February 16, 2009

Yes, I really said this to a police officer

So the other night I got paged while on call for Social Services and had to go to the police station to assist with an investigation. I was there until very late. As we wrapped things up, I said, "Alright, ya'll need anything else, cuz I'm gonna take off?"
One particularly cheeky officer said "No way. I'm afraid we'll need you to stay for at least a couple more hours to help sort all this out."
My brilliant response, "No way narc."

Friday, February 13, 2009

Friday Quotes!

Library Patron "So you went to SCHOOL to become a liberrian? Just to check out books and stuff?"
Librarian LOUDLY- "The book you ordered, WHAT WOMEN WANT, should arrive in a week, hopefully sooner."

"In 2nd grade some kid told me that boys had hot-dogs and girls had buns and the hot-dog went in the bun, so I was envisioning sex in completely the wrong way."

"This music sounds like whales raping each other."

"Dumping gatorade over someone's head is like a baptism, with electrolytes."

"(she hooked up with) an Argentinean...cultural nookie"
"Cultural nookie. That sounds like a good band name...or a nightclub name...'Cultural Nookie'"

"Why is your butt eating your underwear?”

"Sprechen Sie DICK?"

"I'm thinking of taking Stunt Cock in a different direction. Kinda like a christian gansta rap kinda thing. I already have some new song titles I'm working on...'Sunday Morning Drive-by' and '40 days, 40 nights, and 40 ounces'."
"I'm in Bro. What do you think about 'Virgin Mary Badunk-a-dunk' or 'Bling Cross' or 'This ain't no Crucifiction limp'"


And my favorite Facebook comment this week:
weird conception doll
"Here, I got this for you. If it doesn't help you conceive, I don't know what will. Except sex."

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Wednesdays' Weirdos: Seahorse

Today I met with my favorite adult protection client and she was updating me on her online dating progress. I'm pleased to hear she has a new man and they have much in common when somehow in the course of our conversation she tells me she used to raise seahorses!

When she tells me this, I completely lose all pretense with regard to professionalism and am all "Nu, uh! No way, really?" And then I get her to tell me all about raising seahorses.

seahorse

She tells me that you order a pregnant male.
Yes, pregnant male.
At this point I start to worry that maybe my favorite APS client might be a crust shy of a pizza. So I clarify, "MALE... pregnant sea horse? What makes him male then?"

She shrugs and then describes making the salt water and how all these baby sea horses, like a hundred, burst from the male and go swimming around. Apparently baby seahorses are called 'fry' an unfortunate name, way too tasty sounding to mean simply 'baby.' There is a difference between calling your kid 'small fry' and 'tasty looking steak.' Her pet bird at the time apparently agreed with me and ate almost all the babies. She said he was like the bird you see bobbing in drinks, only he was eating her FRIES!
DrinkingBird
We talk about seahorses and her online boyfriend for a little longer and then I take her home feeling pleased with my day.

So when I get back to the office, I look it up.

Turns out she's RIGHT! The female sea horse deposits HER fertilized eggs into a sac in the male sea horse and he keeps 'em in there until they hatch and then out they go. You can check for yourself here. Or watch this weird video

I'm not sure why the embedding is disabled on this video but feel like I've accomplished something by finding something bizarre enough to have embedding disabled on it. Doesn't it have a weird Pee Wee's Playhouse feel to it?

Making them this week's Wednesday's Weirdo: Male Seahorses.

Incidentally, I tried talking Rob into carrying around a mucus sac with the parasite, you know, once there IS a parasite and he gave me an indescribable look that clearly meant, "No." And he hadn't even seen the PeeWee's Pervhouse Seahorse Birthing video. I'm not sure what's wrong with me, I've probably watched it half a dozen times now.

Friday, February 6, 2009

FridayQuotes!

"Sorry. Sometimes I forget I'm punching girls."

"joined the group Can we find 200,000 by 2/12 to wish Darwin a happy 200th birthday?"
"I'd prefer..."Can we punch 200,000 creationists in the back of the head by 2/12 to wish Darwin a happy 200th birthday?"

"I don't know how much of a hook-up you can have for a monster truck show."

"The lady who already had 8 kids and then had a litter of 6 more. 14 kids! Rob, we don't even have 14 plates!"

"Wait a minute, I think you might really be elbow-licking soulmates."

"something you would shoot: Racists. But only with a ray of happy joy-light from my sawed-off shotgun of eternal truth and harmony."

"I certainly don’t drag my genitals over the food.” Gross! I think “genital dragging” is much less appetizing than “doodle dipping,” don’t you?"

"I just can't eat a cow. I'll eat a chicken's adrenal gland, but I can't do a cow's."

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Bitch, that's my "liquid o"

I might go to hell for calling it a parasite, especially since we haven't conceived "it" yet, at least that I know of. I just went off the pill and let me tell you! It makes essentially no difference in my daily life. I don't take a pill first thing in the morning now. YIKES! Now I have to try to remember a prenatal vitamin when I eat. Yeah, I was better with the pill.

I read some junk about ovulating. Most of it my mom told me when I was just starting my period. Just by the way, the word "discharge" is possibly the grossest sounding word in the English language. Why do guys get 'semen' which sounds like some exciting adventure and we get 'discharge'? Instead, the book I was reading wanted you to call it "cervical fluid," cuz that's way better.

Its totally better to be like, "Hey honey, its time to do it cuz the cervical fluids is aflowin'" Jesus, really?

How about "ovum juice" or "o jus" although that's probably way to close to "au jus" which might cause my husband to associate me with a roast beef sandwich which wouldn't be all bad with some men, but I just don't picture him being all "oh, really?" and cocking one eyebrow, excited like. Maybe "liquid o." That kinda sounds like some bourgie night club though. I don't know.

At any rate, we're trying and the good thing so far is it seems the first month off the pill, I'm already ovulating. That seems like a good sign.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Wednesdays' Weirdos: Reverend Schizo Snowboarder

So I was shoveling the stairs the other night when I heard someone start howling at the moon. "Ow, ow, Oooooooowwwww!" Seriously. But since I live in a resort community where people are on vacation a lot, I ignored it and went back to my shoveling.

Still I kept hearing these guys talking loudly to each other, or so I thought. There were two distinct voices. Then they stopped so I figured they went into their condo until I heard a third voice proselytizing, "here in America, that is the ONLY way we'll find ourselves-uh, in the brothahood-uh!" or some such thing. The voice was growing louder as if coming nearer, when I saw a guy carrying a snowboard walking down the street all by himself, talking to himself and howling and realized the voice belonged to him. Making him this week's Wednesday Weirdo: Reverend Schizo Snowboarder.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

I'll Christen this posting "Not likely to baptise the parasite."

So the reason for this posting is cuz Rob and I are working on baby making.
I guess we've kinda been doing that for a while, only before we were just running drills. Now its the real thing, I think. You know, provided we trained properly and our junk works right.
We're no longer using this method



Although there was never a third orange balloon in my recollection. Also, there is no "eee er, eee er" squeaky noise. Ok, the balloon animal sex has nothing to do with me and Rob makin' babies, I just think its really freakin funny andw anted to put it in this post.

More on our misadventures to come.
Ha ha, get it?
Too far?
Eh.

Monday, February 2, 2009

A good use of my time

Early this morning, I picked a client up from jail, took her to see her kids, then to in-patient drug treatment. It sounds so stark, but it was really such a beautiful day.

It was a warm, blue-bird day and I'd worked really hard on getting the details together to make this happen for my client. She would've had to stay in jail and not see her kids or get help without some serious coordinating of parole/judge/treatment/family.

I pulled into the jail parking lot just before they opened and my client was excitedly watching me from her cell window, anxious to get on the road to see her kids. The last time I'd seen her she was balling and most of the times I'd seen her at all she was skinny as a rail, and she just looked, well, sad.

She was self-medicating (i.e. taking a lot of drugs so as not to have to face all her problems instead making them worse.) She looked unhealthy and cried a lot. She basically said the only reason she hadn't killed herself was because of her kids and I was looking questioningly at their safety with her.

Today though, she looked so happy and hopeful. She was up for the treatment she faces and to proving to probation that she can do it. She's gained weight and smiled a lot. She spent time with her kids and the energy of all that hope was just infectious.

This is not the first time she's been to treatment, and it may not be the last, but for today, she has hope. And I got to be part of it. The whole day took me more than 400 miles and 12 hours. I truly believe in this woman and the possibility of her success, and so it was worth every minute.