Skip to main content

Failing a test

So I failed my first pregnancy test. Pregnancy tests are always pass fail, you ever notice that? Its just the plus/minus thing that changes.

pregnancy test

When I was 18 and flying to Sweden to live for a year AND I was late for my period, the pass result was 'negative.' I passed that time. In fact, I've always passed.
But last week, at 29, and into our first month of 'trying' passing would have been a 'positive' result. No such luck.

I realize that getting pregnant usually does not happen the first month you're trying, but I am impulsive and optimistic and petulant and I want everything NOW. Its silly, but I hoped it would happen right away and I have to say I'm scared. Trying to get pregnant is way scarier than trying not to get pregnant. What if I can't get pregnant? That's the big question.

No one ever talks about trying to get pregnant while they're doing it. They tell you later, 3 months in when things are safe. So you never really know how long it takes people. People tell you about their one night stands, their taxes, their bowel movements, and they tell ME all their dirt in the bathroom whenever I go out I swear, but no one tells you "my wife and I are trying to have a baby but it hasn't happened yet." Meanwhile the entire world is having beautiful accessory babies and I'm worrying that all the things I thought I'd do with my kids I'm only actually going to do with other people's kids. I guess it just boils down to I'm ready. I'm ready to coach my own kids' soccer team and read my own kids' nighttime stories. And if I'm honest, I'm not too scared yet, but I am scared it won't happen.

So failed test in the trash can, I went skiing. And I skied hard. I fell like I haven't all season and I wore myself out all weekend long. Then, today it snowed 10" at Keystone and I took my new Hellbent's out for a drive and they were amazing. I had a perfect day. Blue sky, warm weather, didn't fuck up my new skis, skied well, rode every lift with actual locals, went to work at noon pooped. It was outstanding.
So I guess its ok if it takes a while. My life is full and good and beautiful, and while I'm ready, I can wait.

Comments

  1. Sorry you didn't get a "pass". Enjoy the time while it's yours and good things will come.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Took me two months to get pregnant the first time; nine months to get pregnant the second time!!

    Both were/are well worth it!!

    mja

    ReplyDelete
  3. Good to be positive about such a negative result. :(

    P.S. No one ever goes around saying "I fucked up and got knocked up and I had an abortion" either. Well ok, I did, but I'm weird.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Karin, it took us 6 months to conceive Aiyana and for the second one a lot more than that...

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Home birth- The real fuckin deal

So the end of pregnancy is for the fuckin birds. I'm sure plenty of you out there know this. There's nothing to say but that you're sick of being pregnant. You're a little sick of the sweet smiles and knowing looks from strangers. You're just all over sick of it. You're spectacularly sick of the: when's your due date how far are you are you having a boy or a girl I bet you're sick of this what hospital are you going to, conversations. You miss when people used to ask about the soccer game you played or the book you're reading. You're sick of swollen handsfeetfaceneckanklesEVERYTHING. Oh and from the beginning of pregnancy until FRIDAY, I had NO stretch marks. Friday my entire lower abdomen erupted into one. giant. stretch mark. So all weekend, I thought, please let this be over soon. Every cramp I felt I welcomed and thought, "whatever work my body does now, it doesn't have to do during labor." Little did I know how much

Having Babies at Home

My whole life, I've heard the story of my cousin Anna's birth. And her sister's too. But I hear more about Anna's. My aunt didn't exactly have a lot of love for the medical profession. And her first baby had been a horrible experience. She'd had him wrenched from her at least as much as she "gave him up" for adoption by nursing staff who leered at her and called her unpleasant names. And she loved him when he was born. And she found him when he turned 18 and loved him till the day she died. When she had kids for keeps, she did it differently. She read books and assigned duties and had them at home. She was brave and surely faced many people who disagreed with her decision. But she stuck by her convictions and her desire for a natural birth and won 2 beautiful girls. My mom was there when Anna was born. So was her sister, Kristina. They both still get this sparkle in their eyes whenever they talk about it. My mom says it was one of the most

Wednesdays' Weirdos: Mouse-stache-kateer

Need I even type something?