So I failed my first pregnancy test. Pregnancy tests are always pass fail, you ever notice that? Its just the plus/minus thing that changes.
When I was 18 and flying to Sweden to live for a year AND I was late for my period, the pass result was 'negative.' I passed that time. In fact, I've always passed.
But last week, at 29, and into our first month of 'trying' passing would have been a 'positive' result. No such luck.
I realize that getting pregnant usually does not happen the first month you're trying, but I am impulsive and optimistic and petulant and I want everything NOW. Its silly, but I hoped it would happen right away and I have to say I'm scared. Trying to get pregnant is way scarier than trying not to get pregnant. What if I can't get pregnant? That's the big question.
No one ever talks about trying to get pregnant while they're doing it. They tell you later, 3 months in when things are safe. So you never really know how long it takes people. People tell you about their one night stands, their taxes, their bowel movements, and they tell ME all their dirt in the bathroom whenever I go out I swear, but no one tells you "my wife and I are trying to have a baby but it hasn't happened yet." Meanwhile the entire world is having beautiful accessory babies and I'm worrying that all the things I thought I'd do with my kids I'm only actually going to do with other people's kids. I guess it just boils down to I'm ready. I'm ready to coach my own kids' soccer team and read my own kids' nighttime stories. And if I'm honest, I'm not too scared yet, but I am scared it won't happen.
So failed test in the trash can, I went skiing. And I skied hard. I fell like I haven't all season and I wore myself out all weekend long. Then, today it snowed 10" at Keystone and I took my new Hellbent's out for a drive and they were amazing. I had a perfect day. Blue sky, warm weather, didn't fuck up my new skis, skied well, rode every lift with actual locals, went to work at noon pooped. It was outstanding.
So I guess its ok if it takes a while. My life is full and good and beautiful, and while I'm ready, I can wait.
I quit. Sort of.
2 days ago