Wrap your head with this material...

Things I'm snotty about: - using a picture of your kid or your dog or your cat as an avatar. I want to see a picture of you. Sometimes it helps me know who the hell is talking online. I like pictures of other things and I look at them. In albums. - posting annoying status updates. Writing a status update in all caps never SOLVED ANY CAUSE. ever. There's no one who no longer has cancer and no animal with a new home with updated vaccines because you changed your picture to a cartoon and wrote about it on FB. If you want to help, find an organization/child/pet and donate time and money. And I mean both. - trends. I tend to like them for 10 minutes but as soon as I see them happening over and over, I hate whatever it is. See snuggies, when fiction writer's main character is a writer, smartphones, blog awards, robot vocals, etc. - Twilight. I'm sure its very addictive or whatever. I just think you should be ashamed of your addictions. (see also Grey's Anatomy. I am asham...

I'm reposting this because Lora at Fever wrote about smelly lotions a while back in a post, and then a day later my boss gave us all decorative money clips (because social workers have lots of money) and honeydewmellonball and sugarplum fairy handsoap (because all that money we have is dirty.) THEN, at a Sustainability Task Force meeting (which is where a bunch of us from different departments all over the county government get together to try and get us to a zero waste organization,) we got off on a side conversation about feeding wildlife. I was so stunned. I mean, who doesn't know not to feed wildlife? Apparently, one woman showed up to do a home inspection, only to find bag upon bag of dog food in the garage. She asked the homeowners about their dogs, to which they looked confused and then explained that they leave the food out for the foxes and coyotes. Don't worry, I'm sure the bears know its not for them. Jesus, idiots. There were tons of stories like this. So w...

Just as a follow up to this post : You should watch this, cuz its awesome. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lSfFa44p96o&feature=player_embedded

For those of you who don't know, my dad's gay. When I was 14, days before beginning my freshman year of high school, my dad came out. We were all sitting in the basement of our house in St. Louis having a family discussion. You see, my dad was moving out. He was moving to Chicago and what my brother and I knew, was that my parents were divorcing. Things just weren't working out. We thought my mom was acting crazy. She frequently flew into rages which seemed unreasonable given the circumstances we were aware of. So my mom finally said "You have to talk to them." And to the basement we went. "A few years ago, when you're mother and I split up, I had an affair." "And it wasn't with a woman." It was the most unexpected thing he could have said. We were utterly stunned. No one said anything for an interminable series of moments. Tears streamed down my father's cheeks. Finally, he couldn't take the fear of us hating him an...

Each Wednesday I post an example of a strange person, or group of people that I've encountered, been told about, or read about. Guest submissions are welcome and can be sent to swedishskier@gmail.com For those of you who don't know already, I work for Social Services mostly in child protection. As in any place, drugs are a huge issue for our work. And so we're constantly having clients do UAs to determine if they're using or not. They're typically placed on a color line and call a phone number daily to see if their color is up and if it is, they go piss in a cup. Its a little weird in generally, pissing in a cup, for any reason. But its especially weird to begin to associate non-yellow colors with pissing and furthermore with drug testing. But whatever, that's how the system works. Weirder still is the ways drug addicts come up with to get around these tests. I'm not talking potheads with their "cleanses." That shit's for amateurs with relative...

I was just going to post this story but then I needed a Weirdo this week, so I decided to make this it. There's this chiropractor girl we know and I've always found her a bit annoying but the 4th of July she was just an epic fail of a person. She arrived wearing this ridiculous 80's outfit. Now, I'm not much for fashion or giving a shit about what people wear, but she clearly went to great length on this look so I'm going to judge it now. She was wearing purple tight jeans, an 80's striped belly shirt, and a head band ala Willie Nelson although on her it looked more Robert Plant somehow. She was also wearing a fanny pack, which I'll give her she had a very practical explanation for so I'll leave that alone. Except, no I won't because it was white leather. Frost that look with some feather jewelry and tooth bling and you've got a LOOK. Which brings me to the beginning of the failure. This twat went up to my friends' little girl, Tempest...

I think the phrase "We're pregnant" is among the most ridiculous and irritating phrases. WE aren't anything. The man does not have to abstain from drinking, does not have to sleep 90 hours a week, does not purchase all new clothes that resemble tents, does not put cocoa butter anywhere on his body, nor does he GIVE BIRTH! Its simple grammar: I swim. He swims. We swim. I ski. He skis. We ski. I'm pregnant. He is pregnant. We're pregnant. Annoying. Yuppies. Yipeee! Wait a second... He cannot be pregnant. Therefore, WE cannot be pregnant. I am pregnant. I have the gas, the swelling breasts, the weight gain, the sleepiness, the expanding uterus and the impending birth. "We're pregnant" is some caring and sharing, touchy feelie bullshit. Its akin to "we're in a bad mood today aren't we?" Well fuck you, yes I am.

I got a message today from a client's mother letting me know that her 25 year old son was sick so he missed his UA. Seriously? I had to return that message with one of my own, trying my hardest not to sound incredibly bitchy and condescending to say, "It really isn't appropriate for you to have your mom call me. Its very important that you show up to do your drug testing and if you need to miss, YOU need to call." When what I really wanted to say was, "Take your tail out from between your legs, become a man, get out of bed, and go take your damn drug test! What, do you have your mommie call you in to work sick too? GROW UP! You've got to be a parent for Fuck's Sake!" The best would have been if I'd had MY mom call him back. I can just imagine, "This is Dr. Harvey, Karin's mom and she just wanted me to let you know that you need to take your drug test unless you have a doctor's note." If only...

Women's Restrooms nearly always have these signs. Which immediately make me want to dump tampons, applicators, coffee mugs, matchbox cars, rubber tree leaves, plastic tree ornaments, lawn decorations, EVERYTHING I can find into the fucking toilet and flush. Something about the ignorance of these signs brings out the oppositional asshole in me. Seriously, you need to put a SIGN up to tell someone not to put a DIAPER in the toilet? If you need a fucking sign for that, do you know how to read?

Fuck you to the folks drivin down Main Street in Frisco at EIGHT MILES AN HOUR! Yes the mountains are beautiful. Pull over and stare at them, I got shit to do! A special fuck you to board presidents of nonprofits everywhere who don't have any expertise in nonprofits/social work/etc. and yet get to have the authority to change the direction of an agency in spite of the wishes and expertise of the people who work there. A very special fuck you to George Bush and anyone else stupid enough to push drilling in wild life refuges. Drilling for more oil WON'T LOWER PRICES AT ALL! The oil won't be available for about 10 years you short sighted prick. Stop governing. Now. I mean it. Stop. Someone really ought to smack him on the nose with a newspaper. Props to everyone who reads this. Thanks:) Special props to Amber who wrote a text message with a list of things to remember for Demian, and put 'Karin' on there. Also for getting everyone together to go on this little ...

So at the bar tonight there was a guy there with this ridiculous southern accent. Its the super fuckin ignorant made up sounding accent. You know the one, I do a damn fine impression of it. I was kinda wasted so at first I thought it was someone faking it, goofin off. I realized he wasn't when this quick exchange with my friend Molly happened. Molly: So who're you gonna vote for? Ignorant Hick: I tell you who I'm not votin for, I ain't votin fer no N%$@**(only he said the word, I love foul language and I won't even type it) Me: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! We don't want ignorant fucking people like you in our town. We don't act like that here, you can fucking leave. Take your fucking money and get out of my town. I think there may have been steam coming out of my ears and I managed not to punch him in the face. I came home this eveni...

Why are small towns afraid of terrorists that have never heard of them? Why are authors all suddenly writing without punctuationitsannoyinglikenotusingspacing Why don't professors prepare for their classes instead of relying on the shitty powerpoint slides provided by the publishers! And why can't I have a goddamned electric car!