Goodreads

Karin Mitchell's books on Goodreads
Between Families Between Families
reviews: 5
ratings: 8 (avg rating 4.75)

Friday, September 26, 2008

Friday Quotes

“We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit.” E.E. Cummings

"It is dark and there are roaches that try to rape me as I sleep."

"Yeah go on with your big engine. (waves cars on to pass) Go forth and pollute!"

"She's got a public queefing problem. Its cool though, she owns it. I mean she OWNS it. Its happened in meetings and people think she farted, but she lets them know, its a queefing problem."

"queef a bubble
v: to queef a bubble or get upset similar to twisting your panties or throwing a fit aka: q a b "

Obesrve the following excerpt from Flandsa Hasasanba's work:

"The turnip (Brassica rapa var. rapa) is a root vegetable commonly grown in temperate climates worldwide for its white, bulbous taproot. Small, tender, varieties are grown for human consumption, while larger varieties are grown as feed for livestock."

And compare it to the following uncannily similar Predator Press quote:

"Fat tourists should not tan in temperate climates worldwide. Their pasty, white bulbous flesh should not be exposed to human eyes under any circumstances. Larger varieties should be used strictly as feed for livestock."


"I love that you used the word Fiduciary."
"We're not going to use that word in this organization though right."
"We could have an accountant and call the person the fidouchebag."

"I'm pregnant and it was because of sex."

"How much sex do you have to have to have a queefing problem?"

"Can you put queefing on the agenda?"

"There's gonna be some shits and fuckins around."

"I just kicked myself with your foot."

"He's got like hate mail and hate sites about him."
"Shit, that's how you know you're doing a good job."


"Actually, her mom’s in the hospital, and I just suck at getting children ready rapidly. In fact, I can nearly guarantee we’ll be late tomorrow. Perhaps you should be proactive and fill out the top part of tomorrow’s tardy slip for us."

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Wednesday Weirdos

I decided to start a new strand called Wednesday Weirdos. This can be people I've encountered or just people I've heard about. So if you have a Wednesday Weirdo for nominating, by all means... lemme know

This time I'll highlight Gay Spock.
Gay Spock is a mallrat at the Cherry Creek Mall in Denver, a rather swank joint. He is exactly what he sounds like. He looks like:

SpockVulcan

Only with stylish metro clothes and frosty pink lipstick, oh and minus the ears. But that could be fixed. I learned about him from my fuckin hilarious brother who had worked out the following proposition he wants to approach him with (not like that, that's my dad asshole):

"I have a role in an upcoming Sci Fi Comedy I'd like you to audition for. Actually I need you to do it, I kind of wrote the role for you."

Gay Spock walks with purpose and is no stranger to fashion, and his serious head on stare lets you know he means business Mister. If Big Brother gets him to audition, have no fear, I'll be sure to let you know.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Marbles

Playing marbles at the bottom of the pool
where there's no ripples or bubbles
to distract from the thickness of melting
into our ghost selves
you in your pinstripes
and I in my sunhat
we're dressed up for halloween every day
even down here I win every time
You pout and
I offer you palm trees and the seas
but you just say
"everyone hates sharing when they're honest
except orgasms."
so I let you shoot my cat's eye
and we laugh and play again.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Computer Based Training

I started a job working at Social Services as a Child Protection Case worker. Before I can do much as a caseworker there's an asston of training beginning with the most hideously boring computer based training in the world. It must've been designed by atari in 1986, blech. I'd rather play pong with a drill attached to my head that bores holes in every time I miss a shot. Trepining? Sign me up!

Seriously, there are lessons and objectives you have to pass within the objectives. Some questions are mindless about cultural sensitivity and crap I've been doing since graduating from high school. While others have trick questions trying to trick you into caring about the difference between a state statute on risk assessment and a federal law regarding safety assessment. Ha! I still don't fucking care! And I got a 95% on that blipity objective.

However, two interesting things have popped up in the course of my training. The first was in the training on Domestic Violence. The training claims to find importance behind the reason for a man's wife beating and lists a few possibilities. You're job in this SCORED exercise is to determine which causes are actually possible. It lists growing up in a home where the man was exposed to violence and other equally understandable causes. But then it lists one I could NOT believe! I'm paraphrasing but it was something like, A cause of domestic violence could be the feminist movement's threatening of the male role in a relationship. This it claimed was correct. AAAAHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! If they could've, my feminist roots would've lifted up from the cement floor and bitch slapped straight through that computer screen to a portal on the other side of the state where some insecure imp wrote it.

The second from the substance abuse training, is much funnier. Word for word: One local expert states, "If you want to be awake for a test at 8 am, have a martini at 5 am," (Wanberg, 1998).

I knew there was a trick to getting up early.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Yes We Can

Reposted from my friend Bri's blog.

And thank you for reminding us.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Friday Quotes

"Hercules and Testicles eventually became bitter rivals, and Hercules often beat Testicles severely. Finally one day Hercules beat Testicles so badly, Testicles shrank off into obscurity forever."

"I need a pseudonym for you for my blog. What about Ski Blunder?"
*Leers*
"What? See its funny cuz it rhymes with Boy Wonder!"

"You know what we need ...a logo pretty soon, huh? Perhaps a snappy tag line as well? A theme song? And yes, a bluegrass version of the theme song? A new line of clothing? A microbrew beer named after us (MIA IPA)? A series of graphic novels to eventually be made into a movie? A documentary followed by a mockumentary?"

"You and your sad broccoli can kiss my ass."

"Is it enough?"
"It'll have to be enough."
"I don't need your disaster movie ultimatums."

"You're just like my mom. You try to make me eat my broccoli and throw pens in my eyes."

"I wish it were a lamp that would glow electric sex in my front window, so that the crackwhore who walks around our neighborhood with her little 12-year-old kid who insists he’s collecting money for the “school basketball team” would see something besides the other end of my double barreled shotgun when she comes a knockin’ at 11pm tonight."


You know what? Sometimes you've got to catch a few venereal diseases to find true love.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Who knew phallic began with an i

My what a large dock you have...

for blog 010


for blog 011

Hmmm, mmm, mm it certainly is. You just plug in your iPecker... I mean iPod and Rock out with your iCock out.

Jenky Bookshelf- reposted with pics per Gina's reques

One morning last week as I was driving Rob to work, I noticed a bookshelf on the side of the road. For some reason all week someone had been leaving various items of furniture at the end of our street, (which butts up to Main Street right before the highway.) That day it was a tall, perfectly good bookshelf. Since we read constantly and Rob buys most of his books, I said we should pick it up. (We have piles of books all over the place and boxes in closets and the attic.) Rob hrmphed at my suggestion and I didn't think much more about it.

UNTIL, I picked him up that afternoon. He arrived at the car with a pile of particle boards he unceremoniously plopped into the back of the Subaru. He explained that a bookshelf at work had broken and his coworker only wanted the recovered, and perfectly fine, bottom half. So he was bringing the top half home for US to use.

What.

"So you're going to take the shitty, broken, particle board shelves, which have to be rebuilt, over the free, perfectly good, taller, more functional bookshelf that requires nothing?"
"Its been rained on."
"It rained two drops today."
"It'll be awesome, you'll see."

At home he tries to figure out a way to make this work, but the thing's shitty and broken and Rob's not the greatest at fixing things up. He thinks its a much better idea to work with what you have in a pathetic excuse for a tool BAG, than go to the hardware store to pick up... I don't know, wood screws, wood glue, anything.
The shelves are the kind with those prefab pegs to hold it together but 4 of the six of them are broken off IN the particle board. Hmmm tricky to fix without tools. I watch laughing at him for a while, then get bored and go off to write for a while. I look up and realize, he has been at this for TWO HOURS!

Prefab pegs
for blog 009

After two and a half hours, I see the finished project.
"We can put shoes on it."
I look quizzically at him.

It looks like and upside down pile of recovered particle board and he has shoved it under the counter next to another shelf that already serves this EXACT purpose. When I ask about this, I discover that the shelf is not sturdy enough to hold books. So much better than the original free and working bookshelf that would have held... hmmm... BOOKS.

for blog 008

I laugh for a few minutes at his blunder and bold tenacity in the face of logic and decide I like the bookshelf because its one of those quirky things he does.

Then two days later I get an email with a looping video clip of a guy lighting his own ball sack on fire with a lighter instead of waxing his hair of like a rational vain person does, and think, "What a fucking idiot. That guy's just waiting to join the Darwin awards." As much as I think Rob's bookshelf was a waste of time, he has WAY too much sense to ever be talked into doing something that stupid, much less on film.

This gets me thinking of a certain situation with some Carmax. When I was in high school, I began using Carmax instead of regular lip balm. I liked the tingly sensation and wondered to a friend if it would tingle on genitals or what. We decided to try and find someone willing to try it out for us. We asked around at party after party until finally a certain gentlemen goes for it. He spent the next ten minutes with balls aflame (figuratively) chasing us around the living room saying, "I'm going to fucking KILL YOU!" While we tried to run away while laughing hysterically.

Its amazing what people will do.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Battle Cats vs. Escalante

I spent some time with the great Battle Cats Juno and Bleaker on Friday.
Yes they look cute and cuddly,

CIMG3262

but I watched and saw the truth from those bendejos. They have moves.

Like the thumbless headlock

CIMG3272
CIMG3267

The pointed tooth head bite

CIMG3276

The paw secured bitch slap

CIMG3270

The combined pointed tooth head bite paw secured bitch slap

CIMG3276

But Battle Cats are no match for The Great Escalante! Even with help, they could not help but jump back in fear of my teeth and their awesome pointiness.




I looked into the evil one's eyes, and kicked his Bleaker ass.

CIMG3282

But then the one they call Linnea got involved.

She tricked me into the bathtub with promises of easy prey.

CIMG3289

And then punished me

CIMG3290

Ahhhh the horror!

CIMG3284

Human young seem to have more defenses in water than I had predicted. Maybe that's why they left them on display in the lazy river at Waterworld... I think I may have discovered the hidden human plot to destroy The Great Escalante! You will never take me alive!!!!!!!!


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Friday Quotes

"I prefer to think that your butt will be preserved forever in eternity. Even if we just tell stories about it."

"What ever you give to a woman she will multiply.
If you give her a house, she will give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she will give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she will give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given her, so
If you give her crap, you will receive more shit than any one human being can handle."

"Looks like the weather is slightly bitchy with a chance of mrrraaa-oh"

"There is absolutely no middle ground in this state. You are either a rapture awaiting promise keeper or you drive a car that runs on gorp."

(tosses pistachio into tumbler of whiskey) "Ha! I might get whiskey dick, but now you've got whiskey nut!"

Thursday, September 11, 2008

The Diving Board

So on Sunday I went with some friends to Glenwood Springs where there was a diving board! Yipeeee!!! I am 7. I was standing in line with tons of 8 year olds, plus my friends, when a little boy asked me "Will you do the back flip again?" Oh so cute.
"Of course."
Then as time went on and I watched the boys, I wanted to learn new tricks. This did not go as well. I was attempting to cork a front flip. Hmmm. I am not 7, I am 29 and when I hit the water with my fucking hips and thighs, it hurts. Do I stop? No. Here is the evidence. A normal person would have stopped after the first bruise, but no it is a series of at least three connected bruises.

for blog 007

Meowmix thinks my thigh is the perfect place to sleep, I've spent all week flopping back and forth between sleeping ON that bruise and fighting the cat from stepping on that bruise.
Tina took video of us flopping off the diving board, if I get ahold of any stupid moves of mine, I'll be sure to post them:)

Drunk Cans

Even the cans look drunk and ready for some more whiskey.

drunk cans


They gave us some trouble when we opened them and Rob squeezed the can to get the soda out. I just drank whiskey and gave it a splash of coke on top.

Then my weed tasted like bbq. Do you think that's a coincidence? Or do you think it could be related to the drunken liquor store discount cans? Or maybe its because my weed's FOUR months old. I'm blaming the cans.

I continue to ask around in Mexican restaurants for Corona on tap. Still no luck.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

The Blister of Opposition

Raped in a bed of rotting mangoes
blows slipped on fermenting flesh
and afterwards
the blister of opposition
on the knuckle of my right thumb
reminded me
no matter how many times
I shot the target on your chest
you didn't give up
Didn't say "good job;
You got me."

101 list

I hear for your 100th post you're supposed to put up a list of 100 truths about you or something. I missed 100, so here's 101. Some confessions, some silly, some just tidbits... hope its worth a read

1. The first thing I do when I check into a hotel room is still to jump on the bed.

2. Mooning people on a major thoroughfare is a good way to cause an accident.

3. I won't explain how I know that.

4. Mooning a lineup of cars behind you out of a convertible on the way out of the senior talent show is a good way to make everyone think you're drunk when you're not.

5. I have taken a shower in the rain in my driveway back in the Lou.

6. More than once.

7. Swimming laps is a good way to clean out your sinuses

8. You can't think about it too hard.

6. When I was 7, my mom made me my very own ice skating rink in the back yard.

7. I still remember her coming into the kitchen to thaw her hands out after holding the hose over it.

8. I was guiltily happy she didn't ask me to help her with that part.

9. I buried my whiffle ball bat in the frame we made with packed snow (I helped with that part) and it made a slight bump in the rink.

10. We threw a party there and hung up white lights all around it.

11. I got in trouble for taking too long when we went to the neighbor's house to look for more sizes of skates.

12. During the flood of 93 I mud wrestled in the receding flood waters at Creve Coeur Park.

13. Twice

14. Afterwards, I took a shower in the rain.

15. I can pee on a ski slope in my one piece with my skis still on.

16. Its tricky, not peeing ON my skis.

17. Many of the people I spend the most time thinking about are dead

18. I could have been one of them.

19. I attempted suicide when I was 17

20. I'm still ashamed.

21. At workshops and trainings about suicide, I remind people that not everyone gives out warning sides ahead of time.

22. I don't tell them how I know.

23. Its because I want people to think I'm strong.

24. And tough.

25. I lost my virginity when I was 16.

26. The boy was really surprised and thought it was this great privilege.

27. I broke up with him afterwards.

28. Because I didn't want to do it again.

29. 2 years later he went to jail for dealing coke.

30. I have never done coke or other hard drugs because I'm afraid I would like it too much.

31. I'm not sure if I believe in god or not.

32. But I have a lot of faith.

33. I think the only thing I wouldn't survive is losing Rob

34. I worry it might happen for that very reason

35. I have panic attacks, although very rarely now.

36. I am very uncomfortable in large groups of people.

37. In college I got through parties by finding the drunkest guy I could and thinking of silly things to suggest to him to do.

38. Its hard to have an anxiety attack while someone sings I'm a little teapot while doing a headstand.

39. I got a guy to do naked cartwheels through a field.

40. I was annoyed it was dark because you couldn't see his junk flop while he did it. I pretend it would have swung around like the whistle on the fingers of a lifeguard.

41. I fractured my skull when I was 10 riding my bike with a neighbor.

42. I was afraid to ride a bike for a long time.

43. Now I like it, but I still don't wear a helmet.

44. I wear a helmet when I ski

45. I once heard it hit a cliff as I fell head over foot for 150 yards.

46. I broke a nail.

47. And my skis.

48. I went skiing the next morning.

49. Skiing is better than biking

50. I knew I wanted to marry Rob before I ever kissed him.

51. He thought he'd have to talk me into marriage.

52. In the summer, I miss skinny dipping in apartment pools at night.

53. I've only done it once in the mountains

54. The only reason I didn't freeze was because I was hammered.

54. I never found my shirt afterwards.

55. I like climbing trees when I've been drinking

56. I have NO idea how many times I've done it.

57. I find it annoying that whatever a girl wears means something

58. How are men surprised then that it takes so long to get dressed?

59. I once had a seizure at a soccer tournament

60. My roommate at the time held my head down so I wouldn't bang it

61. I pulled all the muscles in my neck because of it

62. I already hated her a little before that

63. Sometimes, deep down, I think I'm lying about having seizures, I feel like I should be able to stop them since I'm awake.

64. I feel guilty every time I have one.

65. Sometimes when I hug my niece or rough house with my nephew, it makes me want to have a baby.

66. Then I think about vacations and sleeping in with Rob and I change my mind.

67. I had a water balloon fight at work once

68. We all tried to get the principal.

69. When she quit I was mad she hadn't let us hit her.

70. I still miss that job almost every day.

71. Insomnia has made me find ways of entertaining myself

72. My old favorite is sticking peanut butter or other condiments to people and using it as glue to hold paper, popcorn, chips and other things.

73. I used to have insomnia friends, (James Brown) who would randomly show up and hang out.

74. Now I have the internet.

75. Part of me wants a big wild fire to sweep through the mountains

76. Then the pine beetles would be gone

77. But the real reason I want the fire is so the mountains will be green again in summer

78. My biggest goal is to have something I write published

79. I've promised myself never to write about a writer

80. I find this annoying as a reader and think its a cop out for writers who would otherwise have to picture themselves/their characters in other professions.

81. I think one of the greatest things in the world is a book that sucks you into reading it from cover to cover in 1 sitting, and the day off that allows you to do it.

82. I'm too vain to get into sports like cycling

83. I refuse to wear a bright yellow jersey and painted on shorts.

84. I don't care how practical it is for the sport, or how good the sport is for your knees

85. I hated running when I started

86. I only did it so I could feel like I had control over my body

87. When I crossed the finish line after my first marathon, I cried

88. It was the single most triumphant moment of my life.

89. Rob and I took a first time home buyers class

90. The only reason I'd want to buy a place is so I could get a dog

91. And write on the walls.

92. I like learning foreign languages

93. It gives me a new game for talking to myself in my mind, its like a fun brain exercise.

94. It also makes eavesdropping interesting in a whole new way

95. When I came back from Sweden, I couldn't remember how to speak German any more, even though I understood it.

96. I had too many credits to take lower levels though. For weeks everyone in my 300 level German class thought I was from Sweden.

97. Part of me wished I hadn't corrected them afterwards.

98. I'm allergic to some spermacides

99. I found out the hard way

100. My boyfriend at the time had to call the pharmacist to find out what to do. I laughed and cried while I trying to pee in a bathtub of warm water.

101. I'm glad I don't have to think of any more of these things.

Friday, September 5, 2008

What's your age in maturity?

I'm no longer in elementary, high school, or even college yet in many ways I have not matured. I got to a certain point in maturity, decided I was good, and stopped. I have no desire to progress beyond my current maturity age either. I will be 85 and emotionally a 7 year old who wants what I want when I want it, especially ice cream and kittens.

My 7 Year Old Maturity or ways I am like a 7 year old

1. When there is a playground, I bolt towards it. On my recent friend camping trip we stumbled upon a rope's course on a walk and rather than wait for the entrance, I went scraping through the underbrush and ran straight for it. When it was time to go, Amber said we had to, I whined and dragged my feet. My 7 year old's impulsivity meant we also missed the GIANT No Tresspassing sign at the entrance. Oops.

2. I have been known to order ice cream for breakfast in restaurants. I have done this even when other children were present who were not permitted the same choice. Ha! What good is age if you can't hoard it over actual 7 year olds!
mmmm ice cream
"You're such a yummy looking bite, Yes you are, yes you are"

3. I still dream that someone brings me a puppy and consider this my best dream (other than skiing dreams see 12 year old) and I wake up sad there's no real puppy.

4. I love stupid jokes. That includes knock knocks, and especially puns
most recent joke
"What's the difference between pea soup and chopped liver?"
"Anyone can chop liver but you can't pea soup."
love those jokes. Oh and
"What's brown and sticky?"
"A stick!"

5. Speaking of, I like playing with bugs. I get real excited, as does my mom I might add, when I find a walking-stick.
walking_stick

My 12 Year Old Maturity or ways I am like a 12 year old

1. See #2 above. Can't feel all that bad, what good is it being 12 if you can't hold it over a 7 year old?

2. I dream about skiing regularly. In my dreams about skiing it is in a video game world in which I can ski on everything including power lines and tree tops and I flip and do spinny fun things off of everything. When I wake from these dreams I usually want to play.

3. I think dirty jokes and fart jokes are funny all the time. No joke, Rob and I really own a self-reinflating whoopie cushion. Its fast too.

4. I am flat chested. Its sad I know, but what're you gonna do.

5. I think wrestling is a completely acceptable way to express affection. Ask Rob, I routinely push him over on our bed. He he. I like him.

My 17 year old maturity

1. I think naming peepees is fun. I like to call girls "nanny or fun pouch or love pita or twat" For boys... well we all know a million for that but new ones are always welcome and I'll giggle I'm sure if you send me some.

2. I occasionally dream I'm pregnant and have a similar reaction to that dream now as I did when I was actually 17. Fuck you, no my name is not Bristol. I'm not actually 17. I recently dreamed I was a pregnant turtle and was very concerned about whether or not my shell would expand to hold the baby. Yes I know they have eggs, it was a dream.

3. I complain about how unfair things are and sometimes bust out a pretty snotty teenaged voice to do it in.


My 22 year old maturity

1. I still think making up and playing drinking games is a blast. My brother and I used to play the Madden drinking game while watching football and I'm a rock star at both flip cup and beer pong. Not too long ago Meghann, Kurt and I made up a variation of beer pong which involved a shuttlecock and we called it cockpong. It introduced a whole new set of positions including "cock blocker"
shuttlecock
She's a cock lover, and so can you.

2. Do 22 year old's do something other than drink? I guess I relate more to my younger maturity likenesses


So how old am I in maturity years. I figure to be on the safe side, I'll go with the average of the four which makes me 14 1/2. That sounds about right.

Friday Quotes

“You mean I just put my mouth on your cockpump?”

“You got egg nog on my nutmeg. I’m not sure what it means, but I want it to mean something. It should mean something dirty.”

"People the world over have always been more impressed by the power of our example than by the example of our power."

"I had a dream that Barack was my boyfriend. I woke up very happy."

"She's easy. She's a funding hussy. Yeah!!! We love you funding hussy!"

"You'd be rubbing fecal matter into your back."
"Sometimes that can be soothing."

"It makes my brain's eyes cross and it breathe hard. But in a good way. My brain likes it."

"And as John McCain's speech enters its 10th hour, it can be said that we've learned a lot tonight. He was a POW. He is a maverick. And Sarah Palin can kill a moose with her bare hands. The only thing we don't know is whether he used Max Factor or Revlon.

And we've learned that Republicans like to boo."

"I've I hear about how she's a hockey mom one more time, I'm going to beat her across the face with a hockey stick."

And for a special Republican National Convention addition:
The best names I've heard for Bristol Palin's Baby

5. Abstinence Bogus Palin (Johnston)...or Bogus Abstinence Palin(Johnston)
4. Pariah or Neglec-Ted Palin
3. Judgment Absensia
2. Anne R. Ray Palin
and my favorite
1. Chastity Palin-Johnston

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Dedications

So I'm attempting to write a novel, so far so good on that. I love the time I'm spending on it even though I haven't been able to read since I started. I like being pulled into the world of my imagination where I follow and direct what happens to my characters. The thing is though, that it consumes a lot of time and energy. Rob is used to me being the one pestering him for attention.
Well, last night the tables turned slightly. He kept finding excuses to come and ask me things while I sat at the computer. He was impatient waiting for me to finish my pages before running errands.
Finally he came and sat down and said,
"I'm bored. I want you to hang out with me."
"Awww. But I have work to finish, Rob. Just let me get through what I need to."
"But pleeeaaseee." he said oh so tempting. "You're pretty." he added as his last attempt. (Rob loves to tell me I'm pretty when he wants something or has just said something stupid.)
Then he started doing some stuff I won't write but will mention is a good way to distract me. But he realized I needed to stay on task so he stopped and said "I'm just working on earning the dedication."
"to my loving, hot, amazingly supportive husband." he mused. I laughed loudly in defiance even though he's pretty right on about that.
"What? No?" He said, "I'll help you edit... huh huh?"
Then he lit up with a new idea. "Oooh, what about to the pimp of my existence?"

What a pain in the ass. God, I love him. Maybe the entertainment of my existence.