"I prefer to think that your butt will be preserved forever in eternity. Even if we just tell stories about it."
"What ever you give to a woman she will multiply.
If you give her a house, she will give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she will give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she will give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given her, so
If you give her crap, you will receive more shit than any one human being can handle."
"Looks like the weather is slightly bitchy with a chance of mrrraaa-oh"
"There is absolutely no middle ground in this state. You are either a rapture awaiting promise keeper or you drive a car that runs on gorp."
(tosses pistachio into tumbler of whiskey) "Ha! I might get whiskey dick, but now you've got whiskey nut!"