Wrap your head with this material...

"Remember kids, every time you use "LOL," God sodomizes a chipmunk. Please, think about the chipmunks." A little boy was wandering around the non-fiction section. I asked, “Can I help you?” Little boy: “I need to write report on New Hampster and I can’t find anything!” "Just thinking...If you were my paper work, I'd be doing you on my desk right now..." "I only heard this in passing, but I'm pretty sure I heard Van der Sloot's friend say he hopes he only gets 10 years because he, "Don't think Joran killed her that bad." That may be the most amazing sentence I have ever heard on TV. He didn't kill her that bad, just enough so that she stopped living. He only killed her about 10 years worth, I don't get why her family is so pissed, I mean he could have killed her bad enough to serve 30 years, and he didn't, so..." A 45 year old widow just approached me after my show and asked me to go to he...

"yeah, let's hope i can haul my sorry hernia crotch to the house" "Anyone have an old punching bag, or a sibling with no nerve endings, that I could borrow?" "You know its a good tights day when one person says, "Nice stockings?" and another says "Your legs are weird. They make my eyes feel funny." "Dear school bus full of black kids, I play basketball for the exercise. Stop laughing." "If I ever saw an amputee get hanged, I'd just start yelling out letters."

"I'm growing up. You'd be so impressed. Today, I gave a presentation in which I said the word "invaginated" like 5 times without cracking up once." "That's funny. For some reason I've been seeing the word "vaginismus" a lot lately and every time I do, I wish it was spelled "vaginisthmus." It could be next to the cape of good hope." "Reach for the stars, M!" "Yeah, the porn stars." "Dear tattoo artists, Its perfectly ok to respond with, "No, cause that will look fucking stupid!" Love,...Eyeballs" "turns out John Wayne is a real live person, and not a character played by Clint Eastwood. stay tuned for other things I learn today by watching television but couldn't care less about." "If, while flipping through channels I see three or more movies starring the same actor, I immediately assume said actor is dead." "Just waited on a woman who smelled like smoky...

"At Walgreens, asked whatever the best cold medicine was to make meth with. Not sure why they had to involve the police." "Today, in order to fight child abuse, I'm eating pringles and drinking diet cherry dr. pepper in my jammies-I figure its at least as effective as changing my profile picture to a cartoon- if not more so..." "Dear Mom, You are one of my biggest inspirations in life. You picked yourself up so many times when life threw you down. Even though you gave Harley, the dog, away and spend way too much time at church, I love you much and will see you soon. Happy Birthday! Love, your daughter, mike." "Tonight, I learned how to remove pine tree sap from hair. After more than an hour I THINK I might be sap-free, and I smell like a peanut butter/olive oil/soap dish. New perfume? Not quite. Needless to say, no cookie baking happened and the Christmas tree and I are not speaking right now." "There's no 'i' in ...

"Our new nephew is pretty cool. Just for clarification, would you like to be the creepy uncle or the drunk uncle?" "Let's alternate for a while and see how we feel. You go creepy, I'll stay drunk, and we can have a little sit down and compare notes annually and then decide. I just don't feel comfortable comitting to one or the other just yet." Mom: "Oh hey! That's Tony Hawk on Yo Gabba Gabba" Kid: "You mean that old man trying to skateboard?" "I feel so dirty. Are all my teeth still there? Am I carrying a puppy mill puppy? Do my jeans have pockets? Are my roots showing? Going to WalMart is so scary! I need a shower!" "ah, December 1st. The day I spend all day debating which feels tighter- my budget or my waistband. No one likes a chubby poor chick. No one." "Thanksgiving. Not a good day to be my pants." "Eat that turkey bitch" - Ike Turner, Thanksgiving 1965

"The base area for one of North America's best ski spots, Silverton Mtn. One chairlift, the "lodge" is an army-style tent, the "rental shop" is an old school bus wedged in the snow, and avalanche beacons are required. Suck on that fur coats and martinis." "If I have to pull up my big girl panties and deal with it one more time the elastic is going to break and I really will have to show my ass!" "Its groggy with a 70% chance of sleepies this afternoon... I think I just ate the sticker on my fruit" "So realized all my maternity clothes are black. Clearly being pregnant has made me a ninja." "now that's something i'd like to see, Look Out!! it's the Pregnant Panther!! she'll strangle you with the umbilical cord!!!" "A long time ago in a galaxy Favre, Favre away." "The last combat unit left Iraq today. I am officially no longer fighting a war. I'm not sure what I'm fighting, ...

"For once, somebody may call me "Sir" without adding, "... you're making a scene."" "Felt like there was more flopping than usual in this mornings ESPN World Cup coverage... then I realized I was watching Bassmasters." "A day off with a migraine is like the first day at fat camp." "Do you have me on speaker phone or are you in the bathroom... you're calling me while you're taking a shit right now aren't you?" Bad Librarian Pickup Line "Do you have any overdue books, because you have fine written all over you."

"Stop trying so hard. He doesn't like you. Jesus, don't kiss an ass if it's in the process of shitting on you." "M has very few life skills. One of them includes being able to tell when a person just got a haircut." "I was making dinner. I asked M to get the cookie sheet. He runs out of the kitchen and comes back and says... 'Mom, I checked the closet. We don't have any sheets with cookies on them!" ' "I dreamt I was a large African American woman married to someone Big Black's size. We slept on 2 beds: a full size and queen size pushed up against each other." "OMG, what if you got this from a dirty unicorn whore. Have you been soliciting unicorn eye fucking in back alleys? I think its time to evaluate the safety of your decisions, Gina. I mean, just because it has one horn and wants to poke you in the eye, doesn't mean you should let it. It could be a transequineism. You know where horses dress up in trashy u...

"Pink makes me want to chop off my hair and hit people. The color and the person. Oh, and pepto. That shit's gross." "Q-tip + ear = No-no, but it feels so yes-yes!" "Jogging with a dog makes so much sense. But walking in high heels while carrying a dog? I don't get it." "There's something about waiting in a principal's office in a kiddie chair that makes me want to write the F word on the wall in smelly marker." "It's very clear to me that everyone celebrates my birthday with humping." "With my son, after he dropped he kept getting the hiccups. It felt like my vagina was burping all day." "Whenever I have to go to the court, "we're off to see the wizzard" starts going through my head."

""I told Hannah that she could watch a movie after I stopped being deranged and she started crying because that was going to take too long and the movie is only a one week rental" "Daddy, why is there a hippie van at Starbucks?" "I guess some hippies want coffee." She laughs, "Hippies don't drink coffee!" ""Mutha Earth is sick of my sass" reads "motherfucker sucks my ass" if you squint your eyes and know you're on Karin's Facebook page." "Sorry, I won't interrupt you while you're talking to yourself again." "Thank you." "I don't think you should be traveling cross country when you are 9 months pregnant (and your vagina is large enough for a minivan to drive through without even touching the sides)"

"shouldn't you pharmacist (whos supposed to be all smart and not kill you) be able to look at your patient profile and realize that you don't need to warn a male to stop taking a drug if they become pregnant?" "Aw, Pablo, I didn't even know you were trying." "shouldn't your pharmacist (who's supposed to be all smart and not kill you) be able to look at your patient profile and realize that you don't need to warn a male to stop taking a drug if they become pregnant?" "sorry Karin, wasn't intentionally removing your comment, just realized I hadn't actually used proper grammar in the first post..." "I understand. You're not out of the first trimester so you're not ready to tell everyone yet." "No time to make fun of South County rednecks tonight. Busy taking down my Christmas tree." "thought she saw a poodle earlier outside Target, but it was just a pair of Ugh boots with pom poms....

"Its nothing important like peanuts, weed, or milk." "Shrimp is what happens if a cockroach and your thumb have a baby. " "Last night we watched our cat, Bleeker, hump this stuffed animal, it was a little disturbing. " "I must admit, at Christmas, I too humped the toy." "I will karate chop a pregnant lady." "People are going to think I said that." "Dear God, please never let me become a milk dud. My hopes and dreams depend on it." "Sometimes I too, need a manual tickler system."

"I gave Toddler a plastic drink sword and a paper drink umbrella the other day and he gave them back saying, "no thanks, I'm not a Chinese girl"me: "what?"Toddler: this is how Chinese ladies fight dragons (holding the umbrella above his head and making jabby motions with the sword) " "You look like a parapalegic trying to do pushups." "The fairyest of drag queens and 3 year olds have the same taste in music." "If you ever want to fuck again, I'm gonna buy you an iPhone cuz there's an app for that." "Innapropriate comments? That's what little girls are made of." "Little girls are made of Adderall." "Next time I want a lawyer, not an attorney. I may be dyslexic but I'm not stupid." "G supposes you think it's funny that she had hot sauce on her finger and then picked her nose." "Happy Anniversary Sesame Street! Cheers to 40 years of having a hand up your ass....

"is dreaming of a better world...where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned" "Hoping that chocolate makes everything better. The last week of 2009 can kiss my ass." "New Years Eve and April Fools Day should switch since most resolutions are a joke anyway." "WOOF! Where's he been all my life?" "Um, in the cradle." "If you have a girl, someday she'll get a pearl necklace." "I'm sure she will." Matt- "A while back, Juno just jumped in the lap of the cable guy." (the cat) Dad- "I did that once." "If Tiger Woods comes back to golf again, he's going to have to change his name to Cheetah."

"beer-and-a-pot-pie cha-cha-cha!" "College, are you there? Its me, Karin." "if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are." "I have a crush on Swedish Skier's brain." "Hullo, I glanced at your post and needed to share with you something that you will find engrossing." "Don't give my dog drugs. I mean it!" "I'm trading A-basin in my crotch for Beaver Creek."

"I gave Toddler a plastic drink sword and a paper drink umbrella the other day and he gave them back saying, "no thanks, I'm not a Chinese girl" me: "what?" Toddler: this is how Chinese ladies fight dragons (holding the umbrella above his head and making jabby motions with the sword) " "I should have blown him kisses. There really aren't that many opportunities to blow Demian kisses." "Hopefully I'll be back if the judge doesn't chew my ass too bad." "top or bottom?" "I'm hoping it'll be the whole thing so I can get disability. It doesn't sound quite as bad when you just got half your ass chewed." "I don't think they make a donut for that." "That's a funny mental image." "Ha! Every effort you made would be halfassed!" "Wow, that was Rob-level of bad joke. I love it!" "You look like a parapalegic trying to do pushups." "Intervi...

"You are sexting a monkey and getting turned on." "The fairyest of drag queens and 3 year olds have the same taste in music." "Michelle's brow furrow turned into a brow spasm at age 13." "You spit something up on my boob and made me pick it off and put it in my drink." "The fruit is getting good and sucked." "If you ever want to fuck again, I'm gonna buy you an iPhone cuz there's an app for that." "Karin is a whore. Yeah, your wife is a whore and it is quite a video." "He got nomigranite" ".... inappropriate" "Innapropriate comments? That's what little girls are made of." "Girls are made of Adderall." "We thought WE were having a normal conversation. We were just talking about animal sex." "I've been hit with 14 hoola hoops and slapped in the face with hippie smell and I don't even know." "I'm just glad you don't have a ...

"It's a good thing I love Roxie so much, since she dropped butter in my purse." "My current proof against intelligent design: A pig's clitoris is INSIDE her vagina. If there was an intelligent design ALL females would be designed this way." "Watching news about Tiger Woods and my kid asked "Is that Obama's brother?"" "Ever notice that dudes always call it a "penis cake." They never say "cock cake." Which is too bad cuz its fun to say." "My list isn’t long, but I have a lot to be thankful for and topping that list is: I GOT A MOTHERFUCKING KIDNEY! Sorry, I’m a selfish bitch and living makes me happier than anything/anyone else. " "I'm going to empty my clam pouch."

"Are you going to keep the stache? Maybe it'll be like eyebrows for the lips--a human sweatband!!! AWESOME!" "Next time I want a lawyer, not an attorney. I may be dyslexic but I'm not stupid." "Lately, I have been worried that I may have a rare form of "Clothing Loss". Happy to hear that I am not blacking out and leaving my clothing around town" A- "I like that afghan looking thing. Shawl? Wrap? Sherwrap?" B- "You're looking elderly this morning." C- "Shut up. You *wish* you could wear a blanket over your clothes all day!" A- "Yes, I do." B- "Ooo, I could hide a gun under it and be like Poncho Villa!" "Does she have H1N1? Is she gonna die?" "Yeah, she's gonna die. She was just waiting to get her internet installed first." "so one of my fb friends (who I don't like in real life, but whatever) is all like "I can't believe I'm going to be...

For the record I love Sesame Street, but I love jokes more. "G supposes you think it's funny that she had hot sauce on her finger and then picked her nose." "If you wear tights all day and have a date that night, for the love of god, WASH YOUR FUCKING VAGINA." "It's hard to write about sex when your daughter is reading an Archie McPhee catalog & prattling on about zombies & yodeling pickles" "Happy Anniversary Sesame Street! Cheers to 40 years of having a hand up your ass." "Happy 40th Sesame Street! Hope the cops don't getcha for drinking a 40 on your 40th. Maybe you could pay that green homeless guy to be your lookout." ""...happy 40th birthday Sesame St! That bird isn't getting any bigger. I say we eat him now!" "A painter paints pictures on canvas. But musicians paint their pictures on silence." "I’m sorry. I’d reply in more detail, but I’m masturbating to Bea Arthur…" ...