"At Walgreens, asked whatever the best cold medicine was to make meth with. Not sure why they had to involve the police."
"Today, in order to fight child abuse, I'm eating pringles and drinking diet cherry dr. pepper in my jammies-I figure its at least as effective as changing my profile picture to a cartoon- if not more so..."
"Dear Mom, You are one of my biggest inspirations in life. You picked yourself up so many times when life threw you down. Even though you gave Harley, the dog, away and spend way too much time at church, I love you much and will see you soon. Happy Birthday! Love, your daughter, mike."
"Tonight, I learned how to remove pine tree sap from hair. After more than an hour I THINK I might be sap-free, and I smell like a peanut butter/olive oil/soap dish. New perfume? Not quite. Needless to say, no cookie baking happened and the Christmas tree and I are not speaking right now."
"There's no 'i' in 'shut the f@ck up and do your job'."
"my throat is so sore it makes me want to stop talking to myself."
"You know the Christmas spirit has consumed you when you blow your nose and glitter comes out. "
D-"I drew a picture of Calvin peeing on your facebook status."
K-"Its cool, I can talk with my mouth full."
K-"Wow, that was gross! Even for me."
K-"Did I mention I can spit really far? I wonder if there's a guiness book world record about how far you can spit liquid? I wonder when I'll get to stop thinking about piss in my mouth. THANKS, D!"
D-"K, my friend. My hands are clean of this one."
K-"I have no idea what got into me yesterday."
D-"Apparently animated pee."
K-"Wait, for the record, I've never had pee in my mouth in order to *like* it, but am pretty fuckin sure, I don't *like* pee in my mouth. Seriously, when will the animated pee leave?"