Wrap your head with this material...

I saw Santa walking with a walker yesterday. Only instead of a walker, it was giant antlers. And they were black. What animal has black antlers that if you held up would be just the right size for Santa to use? I wanted to yell, "Santa, it is NOT ok to do that to Rudolf. I don't care what he did to your favorite pair of red velvet pants!"

So remember this Wednesday Weirdo post ? If you haven't read it, you should read it first so this will make sense. Mainly just the parts about the guy with the long hair whose car I peed on, though. So the guy whose car I peed on? Killed a girl. UPDATE: Hazelwood police investigate shooting death of woman | St. Louis Globe-Democrat He's not so good looking these days. He killed his 18 year old girlfriend who he lived with. He was THIRTY FIVE YEARS OLD! He shot her in the head. I got drunk and peed on a guy's car who is a murderer! Oh AND cut his long hair off! Soooo fucked up.

So my brain needs some emptying. So prolly don't try to follow this as any train of thought. Ever feel like someone's words can just strike you like lightning? Like they vaporize a part of you and the ashes are just a scar and every time you see them, that's what you feel? I think women's shoulders are really sexy. At all ages too. And not floozy, trashy sexy. Sophisticated, timeless, classy sexy. Beautiful. Wrists sometimes too. Its not like tits or butts where its the obvious spot, you have to look for it. Being aware of their beauty. I'm bad with question marks. I think them. I just forget to put them in the actual sentence. I hate fake smiling. But I do it all the time. Before I started fake smiling women were always mean to me. If you have a pretty face and aren't overly ingratiating, you come off as a bitch/snob/snot/mean/whatever. It sucks. I'm pretty sure its often why I don't want to go anywhere after work. I don't feel like...

Ever met someone who manages a cheap motel? I did. At a party no less. He runs the cheapest, creepiest place in town. He's nice enough, gives out vouchers to help stranded people and victims of domestic violence. But the place is infamous. And he was exactly what I would have pictured. As in... missing teeth. As in... corners you to tell stories about the dead people he's found in hotel rooms. As in... corners you and does not stop talking to you for 45 solid minutes about said dead people. As in... not even all the way in the door to the party, corners you and does not stop talking to you for 45 solid minutes about dead people. It was awkward. And uncomfortable. But worse yet, I was invovled in a finding-a-dead-guy-situation and I totally wanted to tell people about it. But I won't. Except, now I've put it out there so I have to. The story is really just sad. I got a referral about a man who had been neglecting himself and was dying after years and years of ab...

On Wednesdays I (sometimes) post an example of a strange person, or group of people that I've encountered, been told about, or read about. Guest submissions are welcome and can be sent to swedishskier@gmail.com Code for What Would White Trash Mexican American Jesus Do? Becuase in St. Louis last week, I was driving behind this guy who had a truck that looked a little like this: But with an eagle, flag combo decal on the back window And stickers and sayings all over the place about Jesus. There was the fish, and angel figurines were built into the wooden truck bed, and there were stickers of White-Jesus's face, and I could. Not. Look. Away.

On Wednesdays I (sometimes) post an example of a strange person, or group of people that I've encountered, been told about, or read about. Guest submissions are welcome and can be sent to swedishskier@gmail.com So Wednesday Weirdos started out as being strange people but now it may have morphed into me just telling you fucked up stories I hear. At a school recently, the teachers were talking about crazy tattoos the parents of the students had come in with. They were all moaning about this woman who'd come in with a tattoo that read "Property of Ray" and was stamped on her forearm. The principal was quietly listening, waiting for her to top this story. She said, get this, she'd had a mother of a student come in for parent teacher conferences and show her a tattoo. Not just any tattoo, just any place. But a tattoo on the inside of her lower lip that read " DICK " with an arrow pointing inside her mouth . The mom explained that her husband's...

Each Wednesday I post an example of a strange person, or group of people that I've encountered, been told about, or read about. Guest submissions are welcome and can be sent to swedishskier@gmail.com There was a woman in the airport that had the most ridiculous outfit I've ever seen. She was built like Humpty Dumpty and had a sequined orange tent on with leggings and spray painted cinemon red hair. She was middle aged and I looked on anxiously awaiting her turning around. I expected full clown makeup because I was genuinely convinced she must've been a clown. But then she had a sullen annoyed face on with NO make up and that fucking crazy outfit. Unfortunately, my camera is still packed somewhere from moving so I got no picture. Its actually tragic. Cuz I wanted you all to see it.

Each Wednesday I post an example of a strange person, or group of people that I've encountered, been told about, or read about. Guest submissions are welcome and can be sent to swedishskier@gmail.com For those of you who don't know already, I work for Social Services mostly in child protection. As in any place, drugs are a huge issue for our work. And so we're constantly having clients do UAs to determine if they're using or not. They're typically placed on a color line and call a phone number daily to see if their color is up and if it is, they go piss in a cup. Its a little weird in generally, pissing in a cup, for any reason. But its especially weird to begin to associate non-yellow colors with pissing and furthermore with drug testing. But whatever, that's how the system works. Weirder still is the ways drug addicts come up with to get around these tests. I'm not talking potheads with their "cleanses." That shit's for amateurs with relative...

Each Wednesday I post an example of a strange person, or group of people that I've encountered, been told about, or read about. Guest submissions are welcome and can be sent to swedishskier@gmail.com One morning while camping over my birthday weekend I awoke to strange noises. "BANG! Clang, clang, clang!" as what sounded like aluminum bowls fell to the ground. Awake, cold, and with sore hips, I attempted to roll over and ignore it. Grunt, grunt, grunt, CLANG! *Timeout* You remember when you were a kid trying to go to sleep hearing your parents have a conversation outside your door. There was ONE volume of voice tone that made it impossible not to listen? It was just quiet enough that you had to stay quiet. And this made you stay quiet and listen no matter how boring the story of what mom was bringing to Sunday's church buffet was. Remember that? It was like that. *Time in* So I'm listening to this and the train of shit that I don't want to think abou...

So this is a little weak but I find leaving self-important messages annoying. I've called a number of people lately that have just bizarre things for their voicemail messages. Things like "3. 2. 1.. ACTION!!!" or go on and on about how the person probably won't call you back. "Leaving a message may or may not have any effect and cause me to actually call you back." or refer to themselves in the third person "You've reached the Prince of Darkness...." I might have to start leaving cryptic messages like this one Judith mentioned: "Hi, it's me again. I have nothing to say to you. I think I have...a wrong number, but if I just hung up you might see my number on your ID and call me and then I'd forget that I called you and not answer the phone because I wouldn't recognize the number. And then you might try me again and I would call you back wondering why you called me several times. So I hope you have a good day whoever you a...

I'm at a Children's Advocacy Center waiting to meet with a guy. We're sitting at this table and I'm doing a crossword when I overhear this man telling a story. A natural eavesdropper, I practiced my talent. So this guy, right? He hears all about how you can pick up prostitutes on Craigslist, right? Rather than just thinking "That's crazy," like the rest of us, and moving on, he's thinking "that's great." So he decides to look into it. He picks out this one chic on there. He checks day after day, week after week for months! To make sure this broad's legit, right? He's pretty convinced she's the real deal so he contacts her and sets up her services, if you will. He shows up and instead of getting laid, two guys show up, beat the shit outa him and rob him. The story doesn't end there, though. This guy! This guy gets in his car, drives all the way across the city and calls the cops. Yeah, I know you're thinkin...

Last night I had a long talk with an old friend. Apparently her parents or more specifically her mother has gone through drastic changes recently. Her mother has struggled with health problems more than half this girl's life: weight & diabetes, both unregulated. So I guess recently her mom went into the hospital and long story short, they discovered she did not have diabetes and was improperly medicated. As in she'd been taking Lithium for like 10 years too long and didn't have any issues which would require Lithium. So her mom got properly medicated and since has gotten out of the recliner and started taking care of herself and doing all kinds of things. Her mom now shops at Old Navy where she can wear a size 8 and goes to baseball games regularly and on and on. Her mom has DRASTICALLY changed and for the better. Now this is all well and wonderful even. But its weird for my friend. Cuz see for like half this girl's life, her mom has been an unhappy, unhealt...

I was just going to post this story but then I needed a Weirdo this week, so I decided to make this it. There's this chiropractor girl we know and I've always found her a bit annoying but the 4th of July she was just an epic fail of a person. She arrived wearing this ridiculous 80's outfit. Now, I'm not much for fashion or giving a shit about what people wear, but she clearly went to great length on this look so I'm going to judge it now. She was wearing purple tight jeans, an 80's striped belly shirt, and a head band ala Willie Nelson although on her it looked more Robert Plant somehow. She was also wearing a fanny pack, which I'll give her she had a very practical explanation for so I'll leave that alone. Except, no I won't because it was white leather. Frost that look with some feather jewelry and tooth bling and you've got a LOOK. Which brings me to the beginning of the failure. This twat went up to my friends' little girl, Tempest...

Wed-nes-day. What a stupid word. And Colonial. Also stupid. Who decided to give in to these stupid spellings? Blah, blah, blah French people. Blah, blah, blah people in the dark ages writing with charcoal in the dust with their little finger nubbins. Blah, blah, blah. Muthaspellas! This week's Wednesday's Weirdo: Etymologists. Its Whensday and Kernal. And I might have to even change it to Whensdays' Weirdos. Take that, you stupid word freaks.

One of the things I was most anxious to do in New York was to people watch. I looooveee to people watch, and the weirder the better. I fantasized about people wearing purple latex masks and vacuum cleaner hose skirts. I also excitedly awaited the strange things people might say or do. But I also appreciate the subtlely weird. You know, the strange utterances and clothing choices you had to pay more attention to notice. I was rewarded when walking down the street one night, I noticed a very obviously gay couple walking down the street. One of the men was strikingly good looking and worked at it. And by that, I mean worked out a lot and had an unbelievable body and a swagger to go with it. So I was tickled to notice his stereotypical, tight, black t-shirt had a twist. Its v-neck led to...Cleavage. Yup. Cleavage. Pectoral Cleavage. Making him this Week's Wednesdays' Weirdo: Pectosexual

I heard a commercial on the radio that I just couldn't believe made it to the radio. It was this couple talking about how they got together. Dude: "We met in a bar." Girl: "I think it was 25 cent pitcher night." Girl: "The only thing that was really important to me was that he ask my parents for permission." Dude: "So I did, and her dad told me to go to ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME to buy the diamond." I couldn't believe they came up with an ad that was worse than listening to the Shane Company Loser. Not only that but that no one stopped it from heading to the airwaves. Making the marketer for that company this week's Wednesday's Weirdo: A Drunken Girl's Best Friend. Weird cuz when I'm the drunk girl, more beer or a breakfast diner are my best friend.

This article appeared in my local newspaper, The Summit Daily, on Wednesday, May 13th A man with a history of violence was arrested on the Interstate-70 median last week after swinging a set of nunchucks in front of an officer with the Summit County Sheriff’s Office. He was wearing a full-length trenchcoat and declared he was kicked off a bus in Silverthorne while on his way from Denver to Los Angeles. The man said he had been “riding the bus when he saw a girl with the ‘swine flu’ and attempted to eliminate her by grabbing her throat,” according to the SCSO report. Another passenger hit the man and he was thrown off the bus before he got into a fight with a gang at a gas station in Silverthorne, the man said. Authorities found the man after receiving a call that he was in the I-70 median waving his arms at cars and screaming. As the officer approached, the man turned his back, hiding his hands. When the man turned around, the officer spotted the nunchucks in his pants waistband. Asked...

In high school on trash days, (when I wasn't too late/forgetful/groggy to remember,) I would roll the trash can down to the street before school and pull it back after school. So one Monday of my junior year, I pulled the can to the street and then went to school. When I got home, I went to take it back behind the house, only to find the trash can was missing. I stood there perplexed for a moment, thinking, "I know I put it by the curb this morning. Where could it have gone?" I checked behind the house to see if some nice neighbor had moved it back but it wasn't there. I looked at the next door neighbors' curbs to see if the trash men had put it by the wrong house. No luck there either. Weird. It was just gone. Trash cans don't just take off on their own, right? Then weirder still was that 2 days later it showed back up by the curb. People tried to get me to worry about identity theft but nothing ever came of it. Ever. No one confessed, no one sto...

My mom gave Rob and I her timeshare condo in Beaver Creek a while back. The condo was perfectly nice with hot tubs in the courtyards. There were several courtyards each connected by these doors: Notice where the doors go? Making the designer of this building this week's Wednesday Weirdo: The Doors

A woman came in to her child's school complaining that all the teachers were pronouncing her child's name wrong. The teachers and the principal passed the written name between them "Le-A." Each professional hunched over the name and attempted a pronunciation for the very large, frustrated mother. Exasperated, she yelled "THE DASH AIN'T SILENT! ITS LA DASH UH!" Making her this week's Wednesday's Weirdo: Le-A's Mama