Each Wednesday I post an example of a strange person, or group of people that I've encountered, been told about, or read about. Guest submissions are welcome and can be sent to email@example.com
One morning while camping over my birthday weekend I awoke to strange noises.
"BANG! Clang, clang, clang!" as what sounded like aluminum bowls fell to the ground.
Awake, cold, and with sore hips, I attempted to roll over and ignore it.
Grunt, grunt, grunt, CLANG!
You remember when you were a kid trying to go to sleep hearing your parents have a conversation outside your door. There was ONE volume of voice tone that made it impossible not to listen? It was just quiet enough that you had to stay quiet. And this made you stay quiet and listen no matter how boring the story of what mom was bringing to Sunday's church buffet was. Remember that? It was like that.
So I'm listening to this and the train of shit that I don't want to think about it zooming through my brain. "I wonder if its a racoon oh shit, I bet no one put the food away last night, I totally have to pee, I wonder if Rob would want to have sex right now, did I remember enough pair of underwear, I should buy some more smores for whoevers I ate, I should read since I'm awake, that book's fucking terrible, what was the author 19 when she wrote it?" And on and on when
"Oh fuck, its a BEAR!" crosses my mind.
More rhythmic grunting ensues followed by "FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!"
"Did the bear just say fuck?" turns over in my mind.
I strain to hear more; and hear more I do.
More rhythmic grunting, followed by a slew of "Fuck, fuck, fuck, FFFfffuuuuck!" "Oh fuck me, GOD!"
Dude, I think the sound is coming from the next campsite over. That can't be the suburban dad and family that seemed so square. I think that dad had khaki shorts on. You can't rock khaki shorts and bring no lighter for camping and fuck like that, can you? "Is he really fucking like that?" I think. "Kudos, for correcting my judgment."
But then it just keeps going on. And on. AND ON.
I realize there's no woman noises. And the grunting, growling noises do not sound human. Is the suburban dad fucking a bear?
NO way! Maybe he's masturbating. Maybe he's a masturbating bear fucker.
It continues. On and on and on and on and on. And my brain has a German shepherd strength hold on it.
It cannot take this long for anyone to come masturbating.
"YOU ARE FUCKING GOD!"
Wow, did he just call himself god? Jesus, dude, shut the fuck up. Your kids have GOT to be embarrassed. Especially because you're fucking either yourself, or the quietest woman on earth. Oh my god, "I'm so culturally insensitive," I think. "He must be fucking another dude." But wait, one of them must be a bear. You know gaybear stare. No that was carebears.
So eventually it stops and I go back to my tossing and turning, and turn off my brain a little.
I stumble out of my tent a couple of hours later to find a balled up blanket by the fire. Which I suddenly notice moving.
ITS THE BEAR! Nope. But it is the dude who made all the noise. Turns out he was PUKING, from drinking so much Beam.
Making him this week's Wednesday Weirdo: Beam Bater
By the by, Is that the cutest new Wednesday Weirdos logo you ever did see? Gina designed for me and I lurve it!
She also gave me a really dope award
Which was outstanding since it fully came on one of those days when my skin just wasn't fitting quite right and everything felt a little lame. Poof! And a unicorn from Gina fixed it all!