"What's up with the gallon bottle of chocolate syrup."
"I mean fucking business, Dean."
"Straight skis! Its so much better than gaper."
"I love it that when I drunk-dial my parents, they don't know the difference."
"Dude, you put your ovaries on TWITTER!?! Ah, if Heather's ovaries could tweet, they'd say "Get some!" Mine too really."
"If you fuck a baby up, there's no amount of salt and butter that will fix it."
"Anything having to do with using the corpse as a ventriloquist's dummy."
"Is your daughter easier to get into than community college?"
"moving on up, to the east side (karin...this is constantly in my head thanks to your cell phone ring)"
On the sign out board at work:
"Having a breakdown. Will be in Friday by noon after I clean up all the drool and foam."