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Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Wednesdays Weirdos: Drug Testers

wednesdsay weirdo

Each Wednesday I post an example of a strange person, or group of people that I've encountered, been told about, or read about. Guest submissions are welcome and can be sent to

For those of you who don't know already, I work for Social Services mostly in child protection. As in any place, drugs are a huge issue for our work. And so we're constantly having clients do UAs to determine if they're using or not. They're typically placed on a color line and call a phone number daily to see if their color is up and if it is, they go piss in a cup.

Its a little weird in generally, pissing in a cup, for any reason. But its especially weird to begin to associate non-yellow colors with pissing and furthermore with drug testing. But whatever, that's how the system works.

Weirder still is the ways drug addicts come up with to get around these tests. I'm not talking potheads with their "cleanses." That shit's for amateurs with relatively in tact reasoning skills.

I'm talking making up stories of how you bummed a cigarette off a stranger and it was laced with coke so now you're coming up hot. I'm talking saying how cocaine is stored in the fat cells of IV drug users so you'll continue to test positive months and months even though of course you're not using.

I'm talking making up a story about how the urinals at the testing facility are dirty and so you must've gotten someone else's urine in your urine sample and that's why you tested positive. Cuz of course when I'm in a dirty bathroom I stick my fingers right in other folks urine. BLUuuuuuck!

I'm talking not having your kid wear a diaper so that you can catch their urine. Further so you can take that urine and store it in a balloon in your yoni so when you sit to pee it come out of a hole in that general vacintity.

Now THAT's weird.

For the record drug users, we do not buy your recockulous stories. Just admit you're still using. It would really save us all a lot of time and redunkulous energy. Seriously, you all don't have a lot of focused mental energy as is, please save it for actual survival purposes. Oh and for your KIDS who need you to stop using drugs and TAKE THE FUCK CARE OF THEM!


bri said...

I could go on for hours about this particular subject but will spare everyone the pain.
Great post...It made me laugh. Have you heard the one where they did a cleanse and it must've made the cocaine come back into their bloodstream because they certainly never used...they would do ANYTHING to get their child back.

Lora said...

we used to write "close cut fingernails" into service plans so the girls couldn't use the longnails to poke holes in their piss balloons.

my most recent guy told me that he didn't know that his mom kept her coke in the sugar bowl, and he put some in his coffee that morning.

because who doesn't have a cup of coke just sitting around the kitchen? of course

Gaston said...

I guess I never thought of women putting a balloon there... I do know someone that drilled through a dildo (a realistic looking one), passed a hose through the hole and filled a camelback blader with urine... taped the blader in his armpit and squished with his bicep to PEE out of a dildo