"Pink makes me want to chop off my hair and hit people. The color and the person. Oh, and pepto. That shit's gross."
"Q-tip + ear = No-no, but it feels so yes-yes!"
"Jogging with a dog makes so much sense. But walking in high heels while carrying a dog? I don't get it."
"There's something about waiting in a principal's office in a kiddie chair that makes me want to write the F word on the wall in smelly marker."
"It's very clear to me that everyone celebrates my birthday with humping."
"With my son, after he dropped he kept getting the hiccups. It felt like my vagina was burping all day."
"Whenever I have to go to the court, "we're off to see the wizzard" starts going through my head."