"Stop trying so hard. He doesn't like you. Jesus, don't kiss an ass if it's in the process of shitting on you."
"M has very few life skills. One of them includes being able to tell when a person just got a haircut."
"I was making dinner. I asked M to get the cookie sheet. He runs out of the kitchen and comes back and says... 'Mom, I checked the closet. We don't have any sheets with cookies on them!" '
"I dreamt I was a large African American woman married to someone Big Black's size. We slept on 2 beds: a full size and queen size pushed up against each other."
"OMG, what if you got this from a dirty unicorn whore. Have you been soliciting unicorn eye fucking in back alleys? I think its time to evaluate the safety of your decisions, Gina. I mean, just because it has one horn and wants to poke you in the eye, doesn't mean you should let it. It could be a transequineism. You know where horses dress up in trashy unicorn costumes and perform bad 70s music."
"enjoying a nice meal outdoors, and realizing that no matter how much I love Israel, Israeli mosquitoes will always love me more. Let's just say that this love is not mutual."
"Wow, I think I must've taken an asshole pill today."
"Isn't that your daily vitamin?"
"I love my wedding dress. I want to buy it flowers and take it on a date."
"Becoming a mother does not need to rob you of your selfhood. Stay away from martyrdom. Martyrs never make good mothers; what is gained in giving is taken away in guilt." --Gayle Peterson
Friday's Mother's Day Card
"Moose wishes he had a mom like you... (inside) His is a bitch."