Skip to main content

Friday Quotes

"Stop trying so hard. He doesn't like you. Jesus, don't kiss an ass if it's in the process of shitting on you."

"M has very few life skills. One of them includes being able to tell when a person just got a haircut."

"I was making dinner. I asked M to get the cookie sheet. He runs out of the kitchen and comes back and says... 'Mom, I checked the closet. We don't have any sheets with cookies on them!" '

"I dreamt I was a large African American woman married to someone Big Black's size. We slept on 2 beds: a full size and queen size pushed up against each other."

"OMG, what if you got this from a dirty unicorn whore. Have you been soliciting unicorn eye fucking in back alleys? I think its time to evaluate the safety of your decisions, Gina. I mean, just because it has one horn and wants to poke you in the eye, doesn't mean you should let it. It could be a transequineism. You know where horses dress up in trashy unicorn costumes and perform bad 70s music."

"enjoying a nice meal outdoors, and realizing that no matter how much I love Israel, Israeli mosquitoes will always love me more. Let's just say that this love is not mutual."

"Wow, I think I must've taken an asshole pill today."
"Isn't that your daily vitamin?"

"I love my wedding dress. I want to buy it flowers and take it on a date."

"Becoming a mother does not need to rob you of your selfhood. Stay away from martyrdom. Martyrs never make good mothers; what is gained in giving is taken away in guilt." --Gayle Peterson


Friday's Mother's Day Card

"Moose wishes he had a mom like you... (inside) His is a bitch."
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Friday Quotes! The GAME

Introducing *drumroll please* Friday Quotes: The Game Apparently people play this game in their heads when they read this anyway so here's your chance to make it interactive. Guess who said each quote. You can post your answers in the comments. The person with the most correct answers gets.... the joy of being right. What? I don't paid for this blog, so you'll have to find self satisfaction wherever you can. Let the Games Begin! 1. "She's so dumb she thinks 'soy milk' is Spanish for 'I am milk'." 2. "Yeah... I didn't sit next to him on spaghetti day." 3. “Its just like when you don’t think about something, you know, and then you think about something.” 4. "What, you're my fucking mom? What, you shat me out of your womb?" 5. “I just had all of this emotion, and it burst forth from my face.” 6. “Chances are if you're reading it and you think its Heath, its probably Heath.” 7. “He drinks whiskey, or Izze, or l...
14 comments
Read more

Friday Quotes!

"You may be unusually energetic today because your key planet Venus received an unexpected wake-up call from electrifying Uranus." "Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you've never met--all of a sudden you take pride in accomplishments you had no part in whatsoever... " -Doug Stanhope "Drink that, DENVER!" Quiz Results: You are 48% mean "Is the junk yard dog losing her bite?" "Weak!" "F you Karin--your pretty face is going to HELL!" "Yeah it is, I might have had to spit on a homeless person but I got 67%" At the fireworks- "Where would patriotism be without the Chinese?" "The phrase 'I'm not racist but...' should just be replaced with 'I'm racist AND...'" "12 million homeowners and investors will be "underwater"--owing more than their property is worth." "I prefer up-side-down. Makes people sound like they've gone face...
3 comments
Read more

Home birth- The real fuckin deal

So the end of pregnancy is for the fuckin birds. I'm sure plenty of you out there know this. There's nothing to say but that you're sick of being pregnant. You're a little sick of the sweet smiles and knowing looks from strangers. You're just all over sick of it. You're spectacularly sick of the: when's your due date how far are you are you having a boy or a girl I bet you're sick of this what hospital are you going to, conversations. You miss when people used to ask about the soccer game you played or the book you're reading. You're sick of swollen handsfeetfaceneckanklesEVERYTHING. Oh and from the beginning of pregnancy until FRIDAY, I had NO stretch marks. Friday my entire lower abdomen erupted into one. giant. stretch mark. So all weekend, I thought, please let this be over soon. Every cramp I felt I welcomed and thought, "whatever work my body does now, it doesn't have to do during labor." Little did I know how much ...
12 comments
Read more