"For once, somebody may call me "Sir" without adding, "... you're making a scene.""
"Felt like there was more flopping than usual in this mornings ESPN World Cup coverage... then I realized I was watching Bassmasters."
"A day off with a migraine is like the first day at fat camp."
"Do you have me on speaker phone or are you in the bathroom... you're calling me while you're taking a shit right now aren't you?"
Bad Librarian Pickup Line
"Do you have any overdue books, because you have fine written all over you."