The Return of Friday Quotes!

"Remember kids, every time you use "LOL," God sodomizes a chipmunk. Please, think about the chipmunks."

A little boy was wandering around the non-fiction section. I asked, “Can I help you?”

Little boy: “I need to write report on New Hampster and I can’t find anything!”

"Just thinking...If you were my paper work, I'd be doing you on my desk right now..."

"I only heard this in passing, but I'm pretty sure I heard Van der Sloot's friend say he hopes he only gets 10 years because he, "Don't think Joran killed her that bad." That may be the most amazing sentence I have ever heard on TV. He didn't kill her that bad, just enough so that she stopped living. He only killed her about 10 years worth, I don't get why her family is so pissed, I mean he could have killed her bad enough to serve 30 years, and he didn't, so..."

A 45 year old widow just approached me after my show and asked me to go to her hotel to play "poker."

"That was a window, Mikey. You were very drunk."

"I said, "hurry up midgets," talking to my kids. And then there was a whole family of midgets getting out of their car."

"Ben wanted to 'help' so he scrubbed the toilet with my mascara..And then painted his face with it."