I'm reposting this because Lora at Fever wrote about smelly lotions a while back in a post, and then a day later my boss gave us all decorative money clips (because social workers have lots of money) and honeydewmellonball and sugarplum fairy handsoap (because all that money we have is dirty.)
THEN, at a Sustainability Task Force meeting (which is where a bunch of us from different departments all over the county government get together to try and get us to a zero waste organization,) we got off on a side conversation about feeding wildlife. I was so stunned. I mean, who doesn't know not to feed wildlife? Apparently, one woman showed up to do a home inspection, only to find bag upon bag of dog food in the garage. She asked the homeowners about their dogs, to which they looked confused and then explained that they leave the food out for the foxes and coyotes. Don't worry, I'm sure the bears know its not for them. Jesus, idiots. There were tons of stories like this.
So without further ado, A Public Service Announcement from Smokey the Bear.
Stop Wearing Shit that makes you smell like food.
Seriously. Its fall. I'm hungry. I'm trying to store up for hibernating so please, stop wearing that ridiculous mixture of mountain boison berry soap and java pumpkin seed lotion.
You think I don't eat you because you have semi automatic weapons and big trucks, but that's not it. I feel sorry for you. For you and all your stupid weird-patterned-hair brethren. Seriously, what's with that tuft of hair on the back of your head? And the occasionally spotty patches elsewhere? No other animal looks so pathetic.
I watch you on the bike path with your dog Sparky. "No Sparky, get down. Don't stick your nose in that poor gentleman's crotch. No!" Don't you get it you dumb bald animals? Sparky is trying desperately to figure out where you DON'T smell like food. He sniffing around going, "Where's the animal? Why does this bald thing smell like a roast? What the fuck?"
Sparky will eat you if he can't figure out that you're NOT a roast duck or a berry desert. And he's excited about this. That's why he's wagging his tail. Sparky's not real bright. That's why an animal stupid enough to need fire advice from a fucking bear who sleeps several months of the year, is able to own him.
So stop washing and conditioning your pathetic patch of hair with Olive Oil and Soy
and washing your hands with black raspberry vanilla
And putting lemon parsley lotion on afterwards
Remember only you can keep me from hitting you over the head before making you my dinner.
Unless you want me to think you're marinating on your way to being burried for a luau. Because, if it smells like dinner, and runs like prey, it must be...that I'm gonna eat you.
Then I'm going to bed for a few months.