Karin Mitchell's books on Goodreads
Between Families Between Families
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ratings: 8 (avg rating 4.75)

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

My Bitchy Pelvis

My pelvis is instable. Doesn't that make it sound like it has a mood disorder? Like I might hip check you one day and hump you the next? That's not what it means. I'm having problems with my SI joint. Thank god. Because I thought it was going to be a disc thing. And my brother had a disc thing that resulted in 3 surgeries and a significant hospital stay. I'll take my bitchy girdle (pelvic girdle that is.)

So yesterday I started physical therapy. I told the PT about how if I do a Kegel, I can pop my lower back. Fucked up right? Sounds like I have an unstable and tempestuous pelvis. Like it can roar. She actually said its not all that uncommon. So there's apparently a bunch of roaring, snapping, moody lady hips out there. Be aware.

So later in the appointment she's going over the exercises she wants me to do to help keep my hips aligned (one hip was an inch and a half higher than the other until she yanked it into place.) She's explaining how I need to tighten my lower abs, and "lock your key hole."

"Where exactly is my keyhole?" I say, with a furrowed brow.

Which sends her into fits of giggles.

She composes herself and says "Kegel. Kegel. You know where you can pop your back."

"I'm so calling it my keyhole from now on."

Which gets me thinking of all the things I like to call it. Vagina sounds so clinical and like its no fun at all. It sounds like a medicine or a punishment. Now funpouch, that's a name a girl can get behind. Or in front of or whatever. I'm a fan of nanny and yoni and javina and party pita now I have KEYHOLE! What do you call it?

In other vaj-sounding news, I have a friend who invented the insult "clam pouch." It sounds AWEFUL, right? But her contention is that it doesn't mean anything? Eh, maybe. But it definetely brings to mind the not-so-fresh-party-pita. Her work has banned her from saying the word.


I told some other friends about this, who don't know her. And it kept us entertained all night. The apex of it all was when Molly got up to go to the bathroom and said all nonchalantlike "I have to go empty my clam pouch." And when she returned, she was welcomed back by 8 people making a certain two handed gesture that looked much like a clam.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I suggest a list of psuedonyms for sexual parts. One of my favorites is: 'volvo' Hootiehoo is another. Cients come up with some amazing ones!! dr.a