"When God gives you lemons, you find a new god."
"Well, the good news is that you did not curse out the valet... or any of my fancy pants friends... Oh wait... no, you did cuss out a dude who complimented my cute stylish boots. Just remembered that one"
"So I made it through, not cussing at the shaggy long haired dude who told me all about skiing the "black diamonds" and his dead wife, AND through the guy who wouldn't stop hitting on me even though I told him I was married, but I cussed out the guy who complimented your boots?"
"It's not a unicorn...it's a horse with a sword on its head that guards my hopes and dreams..."
"It was a dark and steamy night in Vegas. She had just started twittling her twattle when...."
"I just hang out with you guys cuz you're all smart and you're cheaper than college."
And men, this book not only offers many examples of how to improperly use "quotation marks", but it also provides a definitive list on when no REALLY means no:
1) "It's that time of the month."
2) "I have gas."
3) "The clinic results aren't back yet."
4) "I don't feel 'fresh' down there."
5) "I need the money up front."
"I went online to look at pictures of other dogs’ stomachs and it turns out that none of them have belly buttons which doesn’t make sense at all because almost all animals have umbilical cords so why is it that no animals have belly buttons except for dolphins and now that I think about it I’m not even sure that that thing on the top of a dolphin is even a belly button?"
"Waffle Crapper: A chick so hot that you wouldn't care if she walked up and crapped on your waffle. In fact, you'd probably welcome it."
"Tonight's the night we look at President Bush's relationship with the media. I wonder if tonight's the night they finally do it?"
"That was worse than gotcha journalism, that was askya journalism."
"Were you suggesting that Dean once had a fart in his butt that was breathed in by Holy Mary, thus giving her the power to heal?
We must know."
"I have this irritating feeling I'm going to be embarrassed for posting this clip tomorrow afternoon. Could be a fart bottled up, though."
I quit. Sort of.
15 hours ago