Wrap your head with this material...

STOP FUCKING SPAMMING ME! Ok, I'm sorry. I know spammers don't know how to read. I know that CAPTCHA is close to being as annoying as spam. But I'm enabling it again on comments for at least a brief time in order to stop reading Chinese characters in my inbox and then trying to find it in the actual post and delete. Grrrrrr. In other news, I just finished reading the book Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex and have to tell you: fascinating. There's info on a study of spinal cord injured patients and their orgasms... yeah, they can have orgasms. There's also a study of rats wearing polyester pants to see what it does to their sex experience (wear cotton- just friendly advice.) Every page has something that makes my eyes pop. So yeah, sorry again about the comments change. Please comment anyway. Or don't. Whatever. I appreciate readers either way.

So I was talking to my father-in-law the other morning over breakfast about the insane level of rednecks living in his area. Aside from a love of burning things in his yard, he's very NOT rednecky. Anyway, we were talking about the "these colors DO NOT RUN!" and "Palin" and other eagle/flag related stickers that are more prevalent than liquor stores in the ghetto when he told me about the newest in Redneck Halloween trends. Pumpkin throwing. You can just throw regular, or shot put style or OR you can use the catapult. Yup, I said catapult. First reaction: AWESOME. I want to do this. How fun would it be to catapult a pumpkin and watch it smash against a target or a building or a truck with a fucking Palin/Eagle decal on the back window! Second reaction: There are people starving in the world and we THROW. OUR. FOOD. In your face, starving children! *hang head* That said, I'd want a slingshot. But not like this guy. He seems like if he lets go, he'll be e...

Really? I have to do this? The whole what'reyouthankfulfor? Fine, but I'm not going to like it. Here goes. Every year on Thanksgiving I go for a run. Always by myself, and always a wonderful introspective full lunged run. I love it. So I'll start there. My nephew, Collin and really my entire family of in-laws. A girl just can't get luckier. They let me cuss and be obnoxious and weird and have my wedding my weird way and be a ski bum or a writer or a delinquent or a teacher or a social worker and not only accept me but seem to like and be proud of my quirks. But back to my nephew. My family's all girls. And I'm a busy girl. I like to run and play and rough house. He does too. We went to the City Museum yesterday and played and chased and ran ragged. I'm glad I get to have a relationship with him where we do that. Get each other. His dad and my husband stood around holding coats and meeting up when and where we were supposed to. I'm thankful for them doin...

So at the bar the other night in St. Louis (I'm visiting my wonderful old friends and family,) we're talking. PPP is talking about how much she loves some new $750,000 microscope and says she loves it more than her daughter and while she starts to explain why I pop her on the top of the head. It makes a really loud noise. And the guy who owns the bar and is PPP's friend's jaw drops. (He's never met me before and I like to make an *impression*) I apologize to a laughing PPP, and he says "No I think that's exactly the strength of hit that comment warranted." "Yeah, I know just how hard you're supposed to hit. I work for Social Services." Like I said, I like to make and *impression*

So out at the bar the other night I was telling this story about how my old roomate has TERRIBLE taste in men. To illustrate the point I was talking about this dude she was kind of into for a while. One morning I was up getting ready for school and found him sleeping naked on the couch. I shrugged and went off to class, figuring I'd ask her about it later. Come to find out he pissed her bed. AND did. not. wake. up. She kicked his ass out onto the couch and cleaned things up. So as I'm telling this story I finally figure out who this guy is that I got a friend request from on Facebook and am all "Holy shit, that's who he is." So I sent him this message: "Are you the one who slept in Christine's bed and I found you sleeping naked on my couch like 10 years ago? Cuz if so I'm definitely going to have to accept your friend request. That shit was funny."

"Are you going to keep the stache? Maybe it'll be like eyebrows for the lips--a human sweatband!!! AWESOME!" "Next time I want a lawyer, not an attorney. I may be dyslexic but I'm not stupid." "Lately, I have been worried that I may have a rare form of "Clothing Loss". Happy to hear that I am not blacking out and leaving my clothing around town" A- "I like that afghan looking thing. Shawl? Wrap? Sherwrap?" B- "You're looking elderly this morning." C- "Shut up. You *wish* you could wear a blanket over your clothes all day!" A- "Yes, I do." B- "Ooo, I could hide a gun under it and be like Poncho Villa!" "Does she have H1N1? Is she gonna die?" "Yeah, she's gonna die. She was just waiting to get her internet installed first." "so one of my fb friends (who I don't like in real life, but whatever) is all like "I can't believe I'm going to be...

Last night my yoga class was done entirely blindfolded. Which would've been a lot cooler if I hadn't been surrounded by dudes, one of whom had super stinky feet. Guess what sense of mine is heightened when I'm blindfolded. Which is also why when we did the "wind eliminator" posture pictured above, I felt justified lettin it all go and hoping his was heightened as well.

For the record I love Sesame Street, but I love jokes more. "G supposes you think it's funny that she had hot sauce on her finger and then picked her nose." "If you wear tights all day and have a date that night, for the love of god, WASH YOUR FUCKING VAGINA." "It's hard to write about sex when your daughter is reading an Archie McPhee catalog & prattling on about zombies & yodeling pickles" "Happy Anniversary Sesame Street! Cheers to 40 years of having a hand up your ass." "Happy 40th Sesame Street! Hope the cops don't getcha for drinking a 40 on your 40th. Maybe you could pay that green homeless guy to be your lookout." ""...happy 40th birthday Sesame St! That bird isn't getting any bigger. I say we eat him now!" "A painter paints pictures on canvas. But musicians paint their pictures on silence." "I’m sorry. I’d reply in more detail, but I’m masturbating to Bea Arthur…" ...

During the last election there was an event for the Democratic candidates at our local office. Senator Ken Salazar, now Secretary of the Interior, was to be there. It was a big event. Multiple people had brought items to contribute to the serve yourself, margarita bar. Now, I should mention that I don't normally drink margaritas and I don't have much of an alcohol tolerance. Also, I don't know how to make a margarita. That will become evident shortly. So, I stand in front of this bar, shrug and start throwing shit in a glass. I plopped a couple of ice cubes in, dump in some margarita mix and then some tequila. Seems harmless enough, right? I look around for lime or anything else fancy I'm supposed to do, shrug and start drinking it. "Wow its strong." I think. So I try to drink it fast to make it go away. Well, apparently the mix already had tequila in it. So next thing you know, I'm talking to the Speaker of the Colorado House, Andrew Romanoff...

So right after graduating from high school I was an exchange student in Sweden for a year. It was a very mixed bag and a very good experience. I knew no one. Being in another country all by yourself at 18 builds a lot of confidence. At the end of a year, though, I was very glad to come home. I missed my mom and round door knobs and velveeta and driving and seeing black people. In Sweden, I went to high school. Their high school system runs about a year longer than ours does and at the end you come out with more like an Associates Degree. All my high school friends in the mean time though had gone to college. We had a fantastic summer catching up. One girl had joined a sororiety, someone else had traveled the country in her car, another joined the military. And we came together for a summer of crazy adventures and reaquainting ourselves. One weekend we went out of town together for a weekend to a girlfriend's college town. We somehow managed to get into a bar and were qu...

Yeesh, sorry for the slim pickin's. Don't know what happened this week, rest assured that you all continued to be clever and make captivating comments. I just spaced writing anything down, apparently. "Never follow a hippie to a second location." "His pants were a spandex trainwreck." "I used to play bass for Spandex Trainwreck."