Wrap your head with this material...

"Its nothing important like peanuts, weed, or milk." "Shrimp is what happens if a cockroach and your thumb have a baby. " "Last night we watched our cat, Bleeker, hump this stuffed animal, it was a little disturbing. " "I must admit, at Christmas, I too humped the toy." "I will karate chop a pregnant lady." "People are going to think I said that." "Dear God, please never let me become a milk dud. My hopes and dreams depend on it." "Sometimes I too, need a manual tickler system."

I was a terrible dawdler when I was a kid. If there was a way to make it take longer, I did it. Not on purpose or anything. Its just that if I saw a toy, it would suddenly become more interesting when I was already supposed to have my boots on to leave. Or if I was waiting in the living room, the piano looked friendlier to play if I was supposed to be brushing my teeth. My worst time for dawdling was in the mornings. I was never a morning person. Even as a baby. My dad had me in before care and after care at a woman's house so he got me up really early every morning. And from the moment he woke me the first time to the moment we left the house it was constant nagging. I thought Karin-stop-dawdling was my AM name. So one winter morning when I was about 6 or 7, my dad woke me up and we began the routine. Only this morning, he told me that he wasn't going to wake me over and over, I'd better get up and get ready. He wasn't going to nag at me. So I got up. And ...

I work with this really kickass lawyer. She's been all crazy over this guy lately. He worked for probation. Past tense. Did you see it? Over the weekend he killed himself. Enter past tense, the unwelcome jerk. And I feel soooo terrible. And guilty. Because I tried it to. I talked about it a little in this post . Try #17 and on. That's where I talk about it. A little. And now when someone kills themselves, I feel guilty. Like what I did when I was 17 somehow makes me responsible for everyone who ever does it. Like because I tried it, I should know how to fix it. But there are tons of recovering drug addicts that can't tell you how to get sober. There are great thinkers that can't explain their ideas. And the fact is, no one can explain suicide.

So my brain needs some emptying. So prolly don't try to follow this as any train of thought. Ever feel like someone's words can just strike you like lightning? Like they vaporize a part of you and the ashes are just a scar and every time you see them, that's what you feel? I think women's shoulders are really sexy. At all ages too. And not floozy, trashy sexy. Sophisticated, timeless, classy sexy. Beautiful. Wrists sometimes too. Its not like tits or butts where its the obvious spot, you have to look for it. Being aware of their beauty. I'm bad with question marks. I think them. I just forget to put them in the actual sentence. I hate fake smiling. But I do it all the time. Before I started fake smiling women were always mean to me. If you have a pretty face and aren't overly ingratiating, you come off as a bitch/snob/snot/mean/whatever. It sucks. I'm pretty sure its often why I don't want to go anywhere after work. I don't feel like...

"I gave Toddler a plastic drink sword and a paper drink umbrella the other day and he gave them back saying, "no thanks, I'm not a Chinese girl"me: "what?"Toddler: this is how Chinese ladies fight dragons (holding the umbrella above his head and making jabby motions with the sword) " "You look like a parapalegic trying to do pushups." "The fairyest of drag queens and 3 year olds have the same taste in music." "If you ever want to fuck again, I'm gonna buy you an iPhone cuz there's an app for that." "Innapropriate comments? That's what little girls are made of." "Little girls are made of Adderall." "Next time I want a lawyer, not an attorney. I may be dyslexic but I'm not stupid." "G supposes you think it's funny that she had hot sauce on her finger and then picked her nose." "Happy Anniversary Sesame Street! Cheers to 40 years of having a hand up your ass....

I bought my dad a robe for Christmas. It was the softest, warmest, snuggliest robe I could find. My dad lives in his robe. He just retired. He'll be living in his robe even more. Not in a crazy, don't-do-anything-but-crosswords-and-yell-at-the-neighborkids sort of a way. Just in a finally-have-some-time-at-home-after-travelling-nonstop-for-the-last-15-years way. As a little girl, I remember my dad would always make dinner, clean up, and change into his robe. We'd all go downstairs to play or draw or whatever and my dad would settle in to watch TV. Some nights, he'd make popcorn and I'd snuggle into the side of him. It was the best feeling in the whole world. It didn't matter what we watched. (Except the news. Or football. Those were not snuggling up programs. Those were stay-out-of-dad's-way-while-he-yells-at-the-TV shows.) I'm a little hyphen-happy in this post-for-some-reason. So anyway, I found this super snuggly robe and bought it for my dad. I w...

I wonder sometimes if anything ever really changes. I mean really . Sometimes it feels like we take two steps forward and eighteen million steps sideways and who can even perceive how many backwards and then when you account for orbital, the earth spinning, relative position to the sun and whatnot, did we move at all? Did we get anywhere? I'm not much for New Year's resolutions. I think its bunk. If you need to change something in your life, you need to change it now. Not quit smoking by the time you're 30 or lose weight after the holidays, or stop drinking after Mardi Gras. Do what you have to do now because you know you need to do it. And even though I'm not much for resolutions, I've been thinking a lot about progress and change and the movement of time since New Year's. They have this new chip that's maybe gonna get tested on folks that would detect if cancer had metastacized llooooonngg before it was ever visible as tumors or masses or tissues i...

I just slid across my kitchen floor in stockingfeet. I love sliding. If I'm walking and there's snow or ice on the ground, I will take a few hurried steps, rushing into a slide. The only thing better is when there's that skin of frozen that you can jump on and crunch beneath your feet. Oh, and crunchy, squeaky snow under sneakers: the really cold kind. In my first apartment, my roommate and I pledged all the floors and wouldn't let people wear shoes. I loved skidding across that floor. I remember sitting on a pillow and her pushing me around from room to room like a hockey puck. It was hard to stay on the pillow but worth it if you managed it. But nothing but nothing is better than sliding on snow. So I'm off to ski. Cross country that is. Too crowded for downhill today. Downhill'll wait till tomorrow. Nice and early. And on new snow. Happy New Year to you and yours. I hope you remember the little things you love, spend lots of time with people you l...

"is dreaming of a better world...where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned" "Hoping that chocolate makes everything better. The last week of 2009 can kiss my ass." "New Years Eve and April Fools Day should switch since most resolutions are a joke anyway." "WOOF! Where's he been all my life?" "Um, in the cradle." "If you have a girl, someday she'll get a pearl necklace." "I'm sure she will." Matt- "A while back, Juno just jumped in the lap of the cable guy." (the cat) Dad- "I did that once." "If Tiger Woods comes back to golf again, he's going to have to change his name to Cheetah."