"You know what's inside that horn right? If you suck on it, really hard, you get the horn marrow."
"If I were a philosopher my name would be mediocrites."
"Sex is not breakfast. Don't get me wrong, its good in the morning like breakfast... hey and in the evening like breakfast... what're you doing for dinner?"
"I always give my honest opinion, whether you want it or not."
"I juxtapose you're right."
"Nice of you to come lick your ass on my foot."
"Crap. Is this guy masturbating to my feet?"
"I didn’t eat the food. I kept thinking that it was laced with roofies. Or at least a generic brand of work-rape drug."
"Excuse me, do you have time to help save the environment?"
"I'm sorry, I already saved the children this morning and then told the Democratic Party to go fuck themselves three blocks ago, so no, I don't have time to save the environment today. Maybe tomorrow, hippie."
"Jason called me a nerdhole. I kinda liked it."