Wrap your head with this material...

"For those of you who got ripped a new one when your giant babies tore themselves out of your vaginas, you had it way worse and I respect that. I'm sorry your ladies got shredded like that. I hope you didn't end up with permanently blown out Frankencrotches." "I can spell haz anyway I want, you hear? I haz a master's degree!" "What’s your space suit for?" "Protecting me from space, Daddy!" "Ah, yes. That’s why I have a pressurized loin cloth." "Daddy, I don’t want to go to space for lunch any more." "ever get a sleep hangover? like you slept so much you need to sleep it off? That's what afternoons are like with the hum of air conditioning and dull monitors." "hey at least it does not involve vomit" "Oh my god, gross. Thanks for the reminder. Really, thanks Donlon. Hey, wanna play cornhole? I promise I'll even let you have a couple points." "Why do regulars at the 'brar...

Each Wednesday I post an example of a strange person, or group of people that I've encountered, been told about, or read about. Guest submissions are welcome and can be sent to swedishskier@gmail.com For those of you who don't know already, I work for Social Services mostly in child protection. As in any place, drugs are a huge issue for our work. And so we're constantly having clients do UAs to determine if they're using or not. They're typically placed on a color line and call a phone number daily to see if their color is up and if it is, they go piss in a cup. Its a little weird in generally, pissing in a cup, for any reason. But its especially weird to begin to associate non-yellow colors with pissing and furthermore with drug testing. But whatever, that's how the system works. Weirder still is the ways drug addicts come up with to get around these tests. I'm not talking potheads with their "cleanses." That shit's for amateurs with relative...

"I saw a squirrel running down the stairs with a cheeseburger. I thought of you." "Zombies are the bacon of pop culture. Whatever you put them in becomes better." "Sgt. L receives a call about a naked guy walking into a restaurant and putting ice in his butt." "article on the back of the Summit Daily today- 500 lbs man hid a 9mm in his flab. He made it through city and county jail searches without it being found. Since I had to experience that image just before lunch, I though you should have to too." "Fatty's be packin." "Your panties are like a unicorn to me. Put that in Friday Quotes." "Karin eating kitten heads. Does anyone even read this/check this site anymore? " "Do kitten heads have a lot of protein? lmao Im sure your mom's proud" "Sometimes its about the flavor, Nik" Poudre River(pronounced Pooter) Quotes "You can't complain about spending a hot day in a big wet spot on...

Each Wednesday I post an example of a strange person, or group of people that I've encountered, been told about, or read about. Guest submissions are welcome and can be sent to swedishskier@gmail.com One morning while camping over my birthday weekend I awoke to strange noises. "BANG! Clang, clang, clang!" as what sounded like aluminum bowls fell to the ground. Awake, cold, and with sore hips, I attempted to roll over and ignore it. Grunt, grunt, grunt, CLANG! *Timeout* You remember when you were a kid trying to go to sleep hearing your parents have a conversation outside your door. There was ONE volume of voice tone that made it impossible not to listen? It was just quiet enough that you had to stay quiet. And this made you stay quiet and listen no matter how boring the story of what mom was bringing to Sunday's church buffet was. Remember that? It was like that. *Time in* So I'm listening to this and the train of shit that I don't want to think abou...

So I tell stories in real life about my travels a lot cuz crazy shit happens to me when I travel. The trip with the most crazy shit to time spent ratio was to Chile in 2005. Like most of my big journeys, I went to Chile by myself. I was there for 2 months. People are always shocked at how much I travel by myself. Or that anyone would travel alone. Especially for extended periods of time. Especially to places where I don't speak the language. Especially being a cute blond. Especially when you're the person whose been known to travel without plans, reservations, a map, or knowing the language. But for me its the best way to go. You're the most open to meeting new people so you meet lots. You get plenty of alone thinking and writing time. You get to internalize your experience better. You get to do whatever YOU want. And mainly, the craziest and weirdest shit happens this way. My first two weeks in Chile were to be spent at a resort called Portillo. My profile ...

"What's up with the gallon bottle of chocolate syrup." "I mean fucking business, Dean." "Straight skis! Its so much better than gaper." "I love it that when I drunk-dial my parents, they don't know the difference." "Dude, you put your ovaries on TWITTER!?! Ah, if Heather's ovaries could tweet, they'd say "Get some!" Mine too really." "If you fuck a baby up, there's no amount of salt and butter that will fix it." "Anything having to do with using the corpse as a ventriloquist's dummy." "Is your daughter easier to get into than community college?" "moving on up, to the east side (karin...this is constantly in my head thanks to your cell phone ring)" On the sign out board at work: "Having a breakdown. Will be in Friday by noon after I clean up all the drool and foam."

So this is a little weak but I find leaving self-important messages annoying. I've called a number of people lately that have just bizarre things for their voicemail messages. Things like "3. 2. 1.. ACTION!!!" or go on and on about how the person probably won't call you back. "Leaving a message may or may not have any effect and cause me to actually call you back." or refer to themselves in the third person "You've reached the Prince of Darkness...." I might have to start leaving cryptic messages like this one Judith mentioned: "Hi, it's me again. I have nothing to say to you. I think I have...a wrong number, but if I just hung up you might see my number on your ID and call me and then I'd forget that I called you and not answer the phone because I wouldn't recognize the number. And then you might try me again and I would call you back wondering why you called me several times. So I hope you have a good day whoever you a...

You ever fuck up while driving and wish you had a "sorry dude" horn. I know what it would sound like. It'd say "wah, wah, waaaaaaaaaah" And if you crashed it would do the 'wah, wah, waaaaaaaaaah" thing and then say "Game Over" across your dash board. I had a lot of time to think today. We hiked up a mountain only to get slightly ditched by our homies who had to go to work and two of us took turns carrying a Husky over our shoulders down the mountain. I'd have stolen that horn out of someone's car if they'd had it. Cuz it really kinda summed up the day. Did I mention the dog was wet? And dirty? And that a beer exploded in my backpack so I had beer dripping down my back? On the plus side, the hike looked like this: Ahhhh, sunshine. This is Teshen, the sweet tired dog. We caught a ride back pretty easily with a series of nice folks. Oh, and I got to glissade (its like how you barefoot waterski, only its sliding down a pitch...