Wrap your head with this material...

This was in my fortune cookie last night: "You will win success in whatever you adopt." At first I thought it translated to: "Online translators give poor, literal translations." But now I know my destiny is to adopt a gorilla named Humphrey and that one day I will teach Humphrey to play "Man, Gun, Gorilla" (like rock paper scissors but physical. You stand back to back, count to three and turn around holding up your arms for gorilla, making a gun for duh, gun, and standing with your arms down for man. Gorilla kills man, man holds the gun, gun shoots the gorilla.) And I will win at this game because Humphrey will have to be the gorilla every time. Booo, ah ah ah!!!! Do not be confused, Humphrey, by the gorilla holding the gun. It is a ruse, like paper beating rock (which has always been illogical and stupid, unlike Man, Gun, Gorilla.) Sorry about your name, Humphrey. I tried to name you Hosiah, but Rob didn't like it. Blame him.

So I mentioned in this post that we got a dog. So I figure now I'll update you on his life. Cuz I'm sure you have nothing better to do that read about my dog. Firstly, he's named after Noam Chomsky but with a more dog-appropriate spelling. I talked Rob into getting a dog the same way I talked him into getting a cat: I cried and told him he could name it. Actually, this time I went one step further and agreed to buy a house to put it in. That's him. Wouldn't you cry too? Check him out here: He looks so astute, doesn't he? Well, don't be deceived. Wait till you hear this. This weekend I was in the backyard painting boards for shelving in the living room. Exciting, I know. I let ChompSki hang out in the back yard with me. Our yard is not fenced. We'd like to fence it, but we're sorta out of money from buying the damned house in the first place. So far, it hasn't mattered. So far, the dog (who spent the last who-knows-how-long living in...

You ever realize you just have a different perspective than other people? I was talking to Rob last night about my annoyance with my foot. (I just had a minor foot surgery that has made walking a right pain in the ass.) We'd been running errands in order to attempt to put up shelving in our living room and Target had been particularly grueling. Target is huge, especially so when you limp. I was passed on the way out by an ancient, white-haired woman with a cane. I'm not even making this up. She was all bent over and under 5 feet and everything. AND PASSED ME! Sometimes I cheer myself up mid-bitch. So as I was complaining, I started problem solving. "I think it'd be easier to bike than walk right now. I bet I could do it. Ooooh, maybe I could get a little tricycle and carry it around at work and everywhere and wouldn't that be fun?!" My husband just gave me a look and made some comment about how only I would think of using a tricycle for transportati...

I think I've hit my sexual peak. Know how I know? Cuz while watching Eddie Murphy's Delirious for the first time in like 20 years, I practically licked the screen. What the hell? In case you've forgotten Delirious, its standup with Eddie Murphy from 1983 . This is what he's wearing Tight. Red. Leather. Gross, right? I thought so too. At a minimum, its tacky and silly and should NOT make any straight woman my age think of sex. Then he turned around and I totally wanted to maow on his butt. Did I mention he's 22 in this video? Not only am I gross, but I'm also a perv aparently. And that's how you know: Sexual Peak. Welcome to 30. P.S. You should netflix it if you haven't seen Delirious in a while, cuz its funny. Really, really.

"Maddie just said "fuck." I asked her what it meant, and she said, "Fuck is when you hurt yourself, but you're okay!" "I have a friend who was born with an old school IUD sticking out of her head. I kid you not." "J completed the quiz " Which movie romance do you fit into? " with the result Jack + Ennix ." "Seriously??? Everyone else ends up as hot teenage vampires and I end up two gay cowboys??? I blame this on Texas!" "I'd rather be a treehugger than a mean mugger" "I always want a pile of cake. Although anything that sounded healthy... I left that off the plate. Tres Leches (three milks??) - waste of time (although, I tried it later and it was pretty good)." "Its like having a surprise party but forgetting to invite the people." "I'd like a cuckoo clock over my desk with a button I could push to make...

Each Wednesday I post an example of a strange person, or group of people that I've encountered, been told about, or read about. Guest submissions are welcome and can be sent to swedishskier@gmail.com There was a woman in the airport that had the most ridiculous outfit I've ever seen. She was built like Humpty Dumpty and had a sequined orange tent on with leggings and spray painted cinemon red hair. She was middle aged and I looked on anxiously awaiting her turning around. I expected full clown makeup because I was genuinely convinced she must've been a clown. But then she had a sullen annoyed face on with NO make up and that fucking crazy outfit. Unfortunately, my camera is still packed somewhere from moving so I got no picture. Its actually tragic. Cuz I wanted you all to see it.