Wrap your head with this material...

I may be taking a break from blogging so as a sendoff I'll tell you about a recent dream I had. I have been working on a very violent case where the dad's in jail for what he did to the mom. So I've never met dad, but was reading a police report before bed, (never a good idea) and dreamt that I showed up to check on the dad at his house. The police usually come with us the first time we meet families but they were late. I decided to go on in without them. The dad gets mad and throws me against the wall by the throat and holds me there. My reaction: "People don't treat me like this." I said in a I-can't-be-bothered tone. "I'M A NICE PERSON, DAMNIT! People laugh at me cuz I'm funny, THEY DON'T HOLD ME AGAINST THE WALL BY MY THROAT. Now, cut it out." He let go of me and the worst part was that I had to tell the police what happened when I went in without them. I then had to explain to him that I would have to press charges, a...

"...penis eye." "Did you say penis eye? Like 'a penis for an eye' instead of 'an eye for an eye'?" "No, its when you get a penis in your eye" *girl gestures will fist toward eye* "Is that like a penicorn?" "No. I'm sorry, Your idea is very far fetched." "If you had pachouli goggles, you'd see a blob coming your way." "I hate corgies!" "They're like furry sausages." "That kinda makes me want to throw up in my mouth." (Group of skiers on the hill) "OW, OW, OWWWWWWWWWW!!!" (as in coyote howling) "OW OW, OWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!! wOOOOOOOHOOOO, OW, OWWWWWW!!!!" (jokesters from the lift) "COCK-A-DOODLE-DOOOOOO!!!! MOOOOOO!!!!!MEOWWWWW!!!!"

I got a message today from a client's mother letting me know that her 25 year old son was sick so he missed his UA. Seriously? I had to return that message with one of my own, trying my hardest not to sound incredibly bitchy and condescending to say, "It really isn't appropriate for you to have your mom call me. Its very important that you show up to do your drug testing and if you need to miss, YOU need to call." When what I really wanted to say was, "Take your tail out from between your legs, become a man, get out of bed, and go take your damn drug test! What, do you have your mommie call you in to work sick too? GROW UP! You've got to be a parent for Fuck's Sake!" The best would have been if I'd had MY mom call him back. I can just imagine, "This is Dr. Harvey, Karin's mom and she just wanted me to let you know that you need to take your drug test unless you have a doctor's note." If only...

There is a secret room within me In it I braid my hair in the mornings gliding in a blue chair before riding a horse that is only knee high where the trick is to keep your legs up in half lotus and hang on We all have secret places where we sing and kill our bosses but underneath the mosses where decay and truth get gritty and we gnash our desires The furniture of these rooms is unexpected red leather love seat cocks hanging from the ceiling green latex lounge chair nipples on the ottomoan where we knit and suckle an image of ourselves unknown, unfettered Here when my teeth fall out I plug them with bullets and smile a threat in fate's eye. I flick a tongue at punishment, and wave a goodbye.

"if the tuna fish becomes extinct, will vaginas stop smelling like them?" "I think that was the motto of my high school graduating class: 'Set your ass on fire'" "Imagine that... at an all boys school." "I don't get that whole asymmetry thing. I mean, you can't tell if its a dude or a girl." "I just mixed the 'Dragon' up with the 'Quest' and got Drag Queen. I thought, "Is this low fat sushi with vodka and sass?"" "What was that about chips and mumbling?" "I think he said something about you and dumb chics." "Was it how I kick their asses?" "That makes you sound pretty mean. It makes you sound like someone dumb chics shouldn't mess with." "That's right! Dumb chics shouldn't mess with me."

My friends took their 5 year old, Tempest, to look at schools in Denver. One of them went to the Waldorf Schools as a kid so they've been pretty into checking them out. I asked about the visit and these are some of the tidbits I got: - They speak really quietly, apparently its a little eerie. - They had a story telling time where they lit a candle and sat in a circle. At the end of story, they used a snuffer dealie bobber to snuff out the candle. Tempest asked how they did it and they told her "Magic..." in their whispery conspiratorial voices. - One of the teachers told the mom about how at night when she dreams she goes to an alternate plane where she meets up with the children and it is there that she finds out what the children need. Making her this week's Wednesday's Weirdo: Kindergarten Krazy. The dad did not think this was weird. The mom did. I said I'd like to think when she goes home and sleeps, she thinks of something other than work. But wh...

"I'm Selfish, Impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best" -M. Monroe "Oh my god, now I'm picturing the creepy banjo guy's crazy eyes while he's have sex. Icky, icky o-face!" "Sounds like the angel that got screwed over on his name: the Incubus, the Sucubus and the Fukuba." "that's normal, aaron. most women do have asymmetrical breads."