Wrap your head with this material...

"Hey, there's a carnival!" "So that's what we're calling dwarves who walk Pomeranians now? Carnivals? I expected more from you, Gina." " Just stood on my front porch with my tiara on my head, without realizing it. I really AM a pretty, pretty princess! And a nerd." "Your face says no, but your purr says yes." "I felt really bad washing my hair with hand soap in front of my hair dresser. Like, I'd brushed my teeth with a chocolate bar in front of the dentist." "If an 18 year old compliments your outfit is that a good thing or a bad thing?" "I'll be Kanye West for Halloween & just before kids say Trick or Treat, I'll jump out of the bushes and yell Christmas is better!" " Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take-out from heaven." "I think its now standard issue for the Defense Attorney's office: If you're a woman its 'He...

So I've been in a funk of late. Not that cool, P-Funk kinda funk. I mean a funk. And I'm coming out of it. Which is so necessary. I know this happens to me every fall. And its so stupid because ski season is just kickin' into gear which is by far the best thing in this whole world. There is nothing I love more. Nothing. And I know ski season is coming, yet every fall, after the leaves are done, when the days are getting shorter and grayer, I just get Funky. For anywhere from 2-8 weeks I become my own personal pitty party event planner. I can spend hours in my head convincing myself that: I don't have friends, I'm fat, I'm getting old and ugly, I've failed in every professional endeavor I've ever pursued. And on and on. I'm an awesome mindfucker. But last week the fog started clearing from my brain. And the way I knew this was that I started dreaming of skiing. I dreamt about skiing Every. Single. Night. I can't ski yet. So I shopped i...

"When a mother has just given birth, is she crying because she is happy or because she knows all the pain and suffering her child will experience throughout its life?" "Shut up, you douche canoe. She's crying because her vagina hurts from GIVING BIRTH!" "Watching my dog chasing his tail's one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life." "Does your dog have a tail." "No. He just has that little stubbin. That's why its so funny. He leaps and turns and its like watching a doggy tiltawhirl." "You went to Swedish camp?" "Yeah. They had other camps too. Like, German and French and Japanese camp. But not like internment camp. That'd be fucked up." "What I would like for my birthday: That the Red Hot Chili Peppers bring back the funk and stop singing songs about California. Can anybody help me with that?" "You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not ...

On Wednesdays I (sometimes) post an example of a strange person, or group of people that I've encountered, been told about, or read about. Guest submissions are welcome and can be sent to swedishskier@gmail.com So Wednesday Weirdos started out as being strange people but now it may have morphed into me just telling you fucked up stories I hear. At a school recently, the teachers were talking about crazy tattoos the parents of the students had come in with. They were all moaning about this woman who'd come in with a tattoo that read "Property of Ray" and was stamped on her forearm. The principal was quietly listening, waiting for her to top this story. She said, get this, she'd had a mother of a student come in for parent teacher conferences and show her a tattoo. Not just any tattoo, just any place. But a tattoo on the inside of her lower lip that read " DICK " with an arrow pointing inside her mouth . The mom explained that her husband's...

" I would like to blame my fatness on the Bush Administration" "Why you got to pry like that, Facebook? What's on MY mind you always want to know? Why do you care? Huh? Ass." "Well, I'm an old gold toof and I'll tell you the troof. I live in the mouth of a homie!" "White House says Nobel money goes to charity. ... So basically a socialist redistribution of wealth? Typical." "I am not interested in picking up crumbs of compassion thrown from the table of someone who considers himself my master. I want the full menu of rights." ~Bishop Desmond Tutu "I think when I come up and grab you and kiss you when you're topless, we've moved beyond flirting." ""Ain'tthat America" highlight of the day: Major news networks interruptcoverage of a presidential town hall meeting to show footage of anempty weather balloon floating over Colorado. For two hours." "new favorite insult = "douche c...

Just as a follow up to this post : You should watch this, cuz its awesome. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lSfFa44p96o&feature=player_embedded

confeshun: I can't talk about the most emotionally meaningful things in my life because i feel like it cheapens them and makes them trite things that fit into words and sentences and phrases with pesky punctuation when feelings are ethereal beings that seem to wrap themselves around certain organs and regions of my tongue or ribs or uterus sometimes they itch and burn and squeeze and if I wrap my arms around Rob and bury my head in his shoulder and kiss his cheeks I just know its all ok that's with the good things The bad things I can write about. They're good to put into the shapes of things we know and hate in order to chew them up and let saliva and stomach acid take them apart and make them useful to something. I'm supposed to be 8 months pregnant . Instead, I started my period again. I was so sure I might be pregnant again. I even allowed myself to be happy about it. I felt like I'd be able to be patient this time, wait and see. You know, a calm happy. A...

For those of you who don't know, my dad's gay. When I was 14, days before beginning my freshman year of high school, my dad came out. We were all sitting in the basement of our house in St. Louis having a family discussion. You see, my dad was moving out. He was moving to Chicago and what my brother and I knew, was that my parents were divorcing. Things just weren't working out. We thought my mom was acting crazy. She frequently flew into rages which seemed unreasonable given the circumstances we were aware of. So my mom finally said "You have to talk to them." And to the basement we went. "A few years ago, when you're mother and I split up, I had an affair." "And it wasn't with a woman." It was the most unexpected thing he could have said. We were utterly stunned. No one said anything for an interminable series of moments. Tears streamed down my father's cheeks. Finally, he couldn't take the fear of us hating him an...

Yesterday in the parking lot of the grocery store I closed my door at the exact same time as another car. Do you think that's fate? Or maybe a sign? Maybe the universe is trying to tell me that I'm just a piece of tickertape, part of the machine. And I can try and break out. I can die my hair pink or cuss up a storm. I can live on a platform at the top of a redwood tree, or camp out in an old mining shack. And if I could break out of the mold, the system, then I would just need to be strong in my broken places. Then, would things be right? There are so many places where there just isn't sense. A senator that doesn't get reelected because he's labelled unpatriotic. Did I mention he was in Vietnam and lost 3 of 4 limbs to a granade? And the guy he lost to? He avoided the draft. It was all very proper, deferrments and a trick knee. What is going on that this is what happens because of spin and media and pictures and sounds? But maybe its a lesson. Ther...

"Well I didn't want to walk in on your boobies" "thought my lesbian neighbor wanted to jump my bones in the laundry room. Turns out lesbians just really like pajama pants." "You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again after your bullshit dies out over someone else's house." "The little engine that tried to do it but couldn’t and then later he found out that when he was born they weren’t sure if he was a train or a tractor so the doctor just made him into a train because that was easier but turns out? Totally a tractor." "The bible is the world's longest game of telephone." "I always try to see if I can get people to hold their breath through a tunnel. No one ever makes it through the Eisenhower Tunnel." "I wanna see if Michael Phelps can hold it through the Eisenhower Tunnel." " I wanna see if Michael Phelps can take a bong rip and hold it through th Eisenhower Tunnel....