confeshun: I can't talk about the most emotionally meaningful things in my life because i feel like it cheapens them and makes them trite things that fit into words and sentences and phrases with pesky punctuation
when feelings are ethereal beings that seem to wrap themselves around certain organs and regions of my tongue or ribs or uterus
sometimes they itch and burn and squeeze and if I wrap my arms around Rob and bury my head in his shoulder and kiss his cheeks I just know its all ok
that's with the good things
The bad things I can write about. They're good to put into the shapes of things we know and hate in order to chew them up and let saliva and stomach acid take them apart and make them useful to something.
I'm supposed to be 8 months pregnant.
Instead, I started my period again. I was so sure I might be pregnant again. I even allowed myself to be happy about it. I felt like I'd be able to be patient this time, wait and see. You know, a calm happy. An I-can-wait-for-something-this-good happy.
My new next door neighbor is 8 months pregnant. I can't speak to her. I hate her too much. Over the weekend she and her husband had a horrible fight. Rob and I came home just as she stormed out of the house swearing at him. Rob didn't hear. He was talking to the dog. So he mistakenly said "How's it going?" and smiled. She turned on him for a moment, said, "NOT GOOD" and went back to calling her husband an asshole. Thing is, it made it easier for me. I hated her less.
Then today happened. And I'm just not sure I can do this. I thought it would be easier by now. And it has been. But as my due date gets closer and closer I am more and more furious at this timing that is not my own. I was so sure of when I'd ovulated. But my watch just seems to be broken, because I think its time. Time to ovulate, time to copulate, time to conceive, time for my turn.
The other night we went to a friend's for dinner and there was this power outage I forgot about that made the clock reset and it was at about 11 which set the clock an hour fast. So we arrived to dinner and I thought we were late but it turns out we were a 1/2 hour early. Maybe this will be like that. Maybe if I just pop a valium and let go my tears, I'll figure out it was just that I forgot to set spring forward or fall back.
I hope so. Cuz I've been cheering myself up for 5 months. And I think I've done pretty good. But I'm running out of ideas.
Just as I was finishing this Rob came home and told me my new pants that I just bought from Old Navy are called "Harem Pants" and asked me to go to sushi.
I quit. Sort of.
2 days ago