"Shut up, you douche canoe. She's crying because her vagina hurts from GIVING BIRTH!"
"Watching my dog chasing his tail's one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life."
"Does your dog have a tail."
"No. He just has that little stubbin. That's why its so funny. He leaps and turns and its like watching a doggy tiltawhirl."
"You went to Swedish camp?"
"Yeah. They had other camps too. Like, German and French and Japanese camp. But not like internment camp. That'd be fucked up."
"What I would like for my birthday: That the Red Hot Chili Peppers bring back the funk and stop singing songs about California. Can anybody help me with that?"
"You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it."
"Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages"
"You're paying $300 to have Amy sit on you."
"Pretty sure I'm staring in the shit show without even realizing it. Maybe someone will take candid photos of me at the grocery store with my mismatched gloves and pj pants on- Oh the Horror!"